OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
This forum is hosted for free by Boardhost. Create your own free forum!
1 - David
- New member
Offline
Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
Thank you all for being here. I've been going through so many reactions since my wife revealed that she's attracted to women a few weeks ago, and I'm so thankful to have found a place for people in this situation. I've been a mess but have been trying to keep it together.
My wife told me that she's been unhappy for years and has come to the realization that there's been "a small voice" that's been buried deep that she's trying to listen to now. We have two kids and the oldest came out as non-binary about two years ago. I don't know for sure but I think that was the triggering event for her. Ever since then there were signs that I'd taken as just supporting our kid, but now I can see was her coming to realizations about herself. The adamant demand that we put a pride flag out. The complete freak out and breakdown when a lesbian friend called her a bad ally. The pride sticker on her water bottle. And so much more. It's clear that she's been moving along this path for a while now where I'm just at the start of it.
In line with that, she's been working through things, talking to a therapist and reestablishing a relationship with her sister, and building a strong group of women friends with a strong bent towards LGBTQ activism. It's clear to me that she's been preparing for this and divorce for a while. I, like so many folks with similar stories, am just at the start of dealing with this.
After she told me I did what I usually do and try to fix things. I tried to improve myself. I told her "I can try and be a better man, but I can't be a woman." And she seemed to respond well to it overall. More smiles, more closeness. Better sex. She told me that before she was so unhappy but now she sees how hard I've been working and she can see a happy life. But at the same time she won't commit to our marriage. I feel like the foundation of my life has fallen away.
I'm feeling totally lost because so much is in her court right now. I can't make her stay in this marriage and she's told me that she hasn't decided one way or another. But I'm trying to pull myself together so I'm not just waiting in misery. I'm trying to follow the first aid kit instructions (which is a miracle of a document for me right now) and have an appointment with my doctor scheduled for Friday. I'm trying to find a therapist. I've reached out to my family. And, of course, I'm writing this now. Thank you all again for being here and for anyone who reads this.
Last edited by David (May 20, 2025 8:54 am)
- Lostandconfused1234
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
My advice would be to stop trying to change for her. Try to improve yourself and be less codependent. Strengthen yourself so no matter what happens in the future, you will be prepared.
It doesn't mean you step out on your marriage. Do the work, but stop trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube. Be yourself, not the man you think she will love, and hopefully she will love you for that.
Set boundaries for yourself. What is a deal breaker to you in the marriage? Communicate those boundaries without malice. What are you ok with? Take her out of the equation and be painfully honest with yourself. Otherwise you may agree to things that will tear you apart.
Never act in any strong emotion. Let it pass before you make a decision or communicate.
Get into therapy. Finding a place to share your feelings is hard enough without being in a MOM. Don't let them bottle up.
Find your true self within the rubble and embrace him. You might feel like you don't know who you are or what you want anymore, but if you're honest with yourself, you will remember.
My 20 year marriage is still moving forward since my wife disclosed last year. But I recognize that it's only working because both of us want it. The difference now is that I believe I can stand on my own two feet, regardless of what happens next. You are correct in saying that the ball is in her court, but that doesn't mean you have to stand still and wait. Keep moving forward.
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
Hi David, welcome to the forum, I really liked the previous poster advising you to embrace yourself, yes, that - support yourself, give your shoulder to yourself, and wait for the other shoe to drop.
What's the other shoe? her personality - a catalyst 2 years ago and only now she is telling you she is a lesbian? That doesn't really hang together for me.
And you think you need to improve yourself? Maybe she is playing you.
Turn the tables - that's my advice.
The ability to be self-critical, to be able to learn from your mistakes is a commendable trait but park self criticism at the door for a little while - small and large, just make the decision to be your own best friend, give yourself a hug and say to yourself for now no criticism allowed from anyone not even myself. I'm going to be blunt here - it's not just the emotional comfort, it also makes you unavailable to being manipulated through it.
Here's a scene from my marriage - in the kitchen and I am washing the dishes, he is drying and putting them away. He makes a criticism, I don't respond to it at all, he makes an angry comment. His jaw literally dropped when I made one back.
Criticism not accepted and the ground has shifted just like that. He wasn't really feeling angry, emotional manipulation not accepted either, He wasn't the only one surprised, I was too.
- Alex1984
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
Hi David,
I second the post from Lostandconfused - there is very little to add there, I can only reiterate:
- Don't try and analyse her, her sexuality, her needs and her wants. This is what most people have done or are doing. It's a rabbit hole. Get out of it. Her needs are what they are - probably different at any given moment and constantly changing - if she is truly bisexual (not gay/straigh) this is likely to go on for the rest of her life. She is only getting a handle on those feelings herself.
- Focus on YOUR needs in the relationship and outside of it. Work to define your boundaries. Also prepare for your boundaries to change and shift, but they need to be changing and shifting from your inner truth - not to please her or others around you.
- Make yourself awesome (because you are awesome) - start taking uncompromising care of your body, mind and soul. Not for her - for the world. Connect with friends and family, take up a hobby, do things that bring you joy. My husband disclosed 18 months ago. I've been hitting the gym 6 days a week ever since. TRUST me, the world seems a much kinder place now that my butt is tighter and I get daily endorphin release from exercise.
- And give her a minute. She may not be able to commit to your relationship just yet - it's quite normal. If you can't live with this ambiguity - honour your need for clarity and talk to her about it. However, dealing with ambiguity is not a bad emotional skill to have and if you can foster your emotional resilience by allowing the ambiguity for a period of time (say, 3, 6, 12 months?) then maybe that could also be a way to go.
Please don't follow the first aid kit instruction - is gives incorrect advise, particularly regarding physical intimacy. Absolutely nothing wrong in connecting psysically if you both genuinely want it. Discuss the steps with your therapist.
Here are some helpful links to navigate your MOM (if you both choose to stay). Facebook groups:
Podcasts:
Amity Buxton's article:
You got this. All of us have been there. The first couple of months are harrowing, but it does get SO MUCH BETTER.
Good luck and stay strong!
Last edited by Alex1984 (May 20, 2025 6:41 pm)
- David
- New member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. It means a ton to me right now. The advice to focus on improving myself is so appreciated and affirming. I've neglected myself for years in favor of my family and it's taken its toll.
@Lostandconfused, thank you very much for the post. It's... frankly... amazing. A lot of it affirms what I was thinking but tend to lose when I've been going in to panic spirals intermittently over the past few days. Reading it and feeling it is so true. And I just have to call out this part: "Find your true self within the rubble and embrace him. You might feel like you don't know who you are or what you want anymore, but if you're honest with yourself, you will remember." That image of me embracing myself... that will stick with me forever. Thank you for that, it's quite an unexpected gift.
@lily Thank you for the encouragement to stay strong in myself with what's going on. Right now things are calm and good but I know that it won't be that way forever even if everything goes great, and I appreciate the reminder to not just take criticism at face value.
@Alex This is incredibly helpful as well. You pinpointed the part of the first aid kit I was most worried about. It makes me feel a lot better about engaging with her, as long as I can remember my own needs. And thank you also for writing about what my wife is going through and the advice to not try and analyze it. That's definitely been something I've been doing. Normally I'm very comfortable with not knowing things, but for this it's been so hard because it's so close to home. And thank you for all the links, I'll probably be running through them as fast as I can in the next day or two.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
My view is the term bisexuality is a modern addition to the term gay in denial.
And certainly that is borne out by the number of people who are bisexual then when it comes to midlife crisis they start saying they are gay. There's even a saying - bi now gay later.
How genuine the person is is what you learn next.
- Alex1984
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
lily wrote:
My view is the term bisexuality is a modern addition to the term gay in denial.
And certainly that is borne out by the number of people who are bisexual then when it comes to midlife crisis they start saying they are gay. There's even a saying - bi now gay later.
How genuine the person is is what you learn next.
Lily, we all know your view. It is misinformed and offensive to all the bisexual people out there.
Last edited by Alex1984 (May 21, 2025 5:59 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
Lily, we all know your view. It is misinformed and offensive to all the bisexual people out there.
You're speaking for "all the bisexual people out there"..? That's a mighty big claim lol
Lily's lived experience has lead to an opinion you
might not like....but no way is she "misinformed" or "offensive".
And I agree with her.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
........I'm feeling totally lost because so much is in her court right now. I can't make her stay in this marriage and she's told me that she hasn't decided one way or another. But I'm trying to pull myself together so I'm not just waiting in misery..
You'll have to live through a bit of misery and confusion. It's what happens when a spouse decides they aren't straight and drops a bombshell into your life. Eventually it'll help if you get just a little angry with her about the secret she's probably kept from you for ages. A marriage is two people but if she wants to drive your marriage into the ground then you have to take the wheel in your own life and get on with it without her.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
- Member
Offline
Re: Bisexual Wife Not Willing To Commit To Continuing Our Marriage
Thanks, Elle.
Alex,
I am not misinformed and I am not being offensive. So here's another of my views which you have probably read before but here it is anyway - though the sense of deception is the same as for anyone else when a bisexual spouse wakes up to the fact that they are married to a bisexual spouse, the relationship is not the same dynamic as it is when one of the spouses in a MOM is straight. The relationship between a bisexual and a straight has the straight in a very vulnerable position and generaly we find ourselves getting the short end of the stick.