I promised myself that I will catch myself on a "not-so-good" day and share my thoughts - after all, it's not all rainbows and unicorns. So here we go.

A few weeks ago, I went away on a 10-day meditation retreat with no incoming or outgoing communication. What a bliss it was to come back... heaven, really. Better than honey-moon, better than the post-disclosure honey-moon, better than when we got together or than any other relationship I can remember. For a couple of weeks after that we were calm and content. Our relationship was just this peaceful love for each other, no arguments, no agitation. We devoured our time together, but also weren't needy or anxious when we were apart. Work was productive, kids were happy. Life was perfect.

Astonishing how quickly you can fall from bliss into despair, when you are new to navigating the MOM mindf*ck (ahem, challenge). Hard to recall with 100% accuracy how exactly it went, but I will give it a go.

We have discovered a form of sexual play that was quite fun for a little while. Before anyone gets any dirty ideas - it is a type of "outer-course". I was on my period, so it made total sense to embrace it often (period inter-course, as you may know or imagine, can be messy). I then happened to see on another forum this exact form of play being suggested to a gay husband to practice with his wife as he was "grossed out by her vagina". So my brain (without me even noticing it) went straight to the handful of times we did it, rather than to the thousands of times we had straight vanilla PIV sex. "He liked it, therefore he's gay", - said my broken monkey brain. I brushed it off, as it was clearly a ridiculous thought, life was still good, life was still a bliss.

Next time we drove to work, which is when we usually hash things out, I told him that I don't want to be doing this thing for a little while. My delivery clearly sucked, because instead of hearing "let's not do it for a while" he heard me say "I hated what you did to me". To offer some context, I mentioned I saw it discussed on a forum and it weirded me out. So, in turn, he heard me say "I think you're gay because you liked it". As he heard it, he got very agitated and defensive, which I read as a sign that he was still lying to himself and aggressively denying just how much gay he really was and just how much he was not attracted to me. At this stage, I shut down and reduced my communication to one-sentence answers - I am an introvert and have an avoidant attachment style, so shutting down is how I process painful events. Boom. Our bliss exploded.

Then the avalanche continued. As we were driving, he got his blood test results back via a text message and they were slightly off. He has an irrational fear of doctors and dying from an unexpected illness. It almost certainly is connected to the episode of sexual assault he experienced as a pre-teen from a medical "professional". As he was already anxious from the earlier conversation with me, the results triggered a panic attack and subsequently sent him into a deep 48-hour depression episode. He used to get depressed every now and then over the years before disclosure, but both of us thought he had gotten over it by coming out as the episodes ceased over the last 10 months. So how did I read this? "He is depressed because he is really gay and needs to live with a man", and also "he is afraid of dying because he knows he hasn't lived his life the way he was supposed to, i.e.... with a man".  

Two days later he saw a doctor and the lovely lady explained to him that there is nothing to worry about. His depression cleared immediately. In the evening of the same day we went to the supermarket to get food for the kids' party.  He was full of bouncy productive energy, while I was still processing his depression and what triggered it. He said something to me in a way that sounded agitated, as he was worried I was taking my time and the supermarket was about to close. As I sensed his agitation, the wave of sadness and frustration came over me and tears started running down my face - right in the middle of the vegetable aisle. Thoughts were going through my head along the lines of: "I have been so supportive in the last two days (not to mention in the last 9 months) and now he is agitated that I am not moving quickly enough?! I have practically been the perfect wife, put all my feelings on-hold, and now, as he is feeling better, he is annoyed with me? I don't think I can ever be good enough for him. This is all because he is gay and wants to live with a man".

Basically, you get the picture. We resolved and repaired after that episode, but there have since been others.

For example, I offered to sell our house and buy a do-up to renovate and make some money (it's a buyer's market where we live and I love renovation projects - that's why I am with him, clearly.. lol...). He told me that "normal" people don't renovate houses while living in them and that the stress of it will "push him over the edge". I (obviously) heard that he "will divorce me if I insist on a reno project". I rushed to point out that "normal" people also don't have kinky sexual fantasies like his. And WTF, if I can get excited about those, how dare he not get excited about my reno project?? This did wonders for us, as you may imagine and multiple cycles of arguments and silent ruminations followed for the next two days. 

Everything comes back to him being queer. It's like a scapegoat and a trojan horse in one. I realise we need to stop doing this to move forward. And we will. And it is hard, very very hard. But I see what needs to be done, where the breakdown in communication happens and how it causes confusion, downward spirals and pain. I see how we feed off each other's pain and how exhausted we both get from it.

I now know that "our situation" won't resolve itself in 12 months and I will not get any answers as I was hoping in the beginning of the journey. "Our situation" will never really resolve itself. I can resolve my own pain, HE can resolve his own pain - and it's likely to take 3 years. Finally, WE can move forward as two better people - either together or apart. Another scenario is that one or both of us will get stuck in this pain and never come out the other side. Although I think we will - through pain, tears, insecurities, despair, past trauma and present challenges - at least as the best of friends, but hopefully as lovers and life-long partners.

And a note on sex. Sometimes we have it even when we fight - it often feels like the easiest way to repair. Sometimes we are in so much pain, we take a break - so far, it has not been for more than [I had a number here, but deleted it as you should not compare your frequency to others. Insert whatever number seems frequent to you]. Sex is particularly good after a break.

Stay strong everyone and hold on tight

Last edited by Alex1984 (September 7, 2024 4:10 pm)

I appreciate you posting about your highs and lows in all of this. I went through a lot of them myself over the years after my former "husband" came out as bisexual. I hope your story ends up working out for you.

Personally, I spent close to 3 years being a supportive and amazing wife. I thought we were growing closer, coming out of this stronger than ever. I planned a romantic vacation for our anniversary and he blindsided me with "I'm gay, I'm divorcing you" and then refused to speak to me. The level of callous cruelty that came over the next couple years as we went through the divorce process cannot be put into words.

If I could go back in time, I would tell that "me" that no man is worth sacrificing yourself for. That marriage should not cause this level of pain to a person. It seems that many of those that come out later in life tend towards narcissistic personalities and it goes far beyond being "gay". And the straight spouse spends years bending themselves into knots and ultimately gets discarded.

Of course, you get a very limited view from posts online about a person and their relationship, but I would recommend looking at what you have written and the list of ways you have reasoned, contorted and stressed about your partners sexuality. Again, I just want to say that I see a lot of what I went through in there. I truly hope your outcome is better than mine though. I know it can work out for some, but I caution anyone who hasn't made it at least 3-5 years post-disclosure that those first years are truly the "honeymoon" phase. No one needs to go into it thinking the relationship will fail - but everyone should know their boundaries, limits, have separate finances and make decisions based on what they want and not what their partner wants, during this period. I wish more than anything that I had put myself first.

Alex1984 wrote:

 Sex is a nice addition to relationship, something fun you do together - NOT the core of your relationship.

Goodness, of course sex is at the core of your relationship.   your partner is the one person in the whole universe you are having sex with. 

I mean when you get married that is what you are saying, this is the man I want to have sex and have babies with and I promise to be true to him.

imo, if you are gay or lesbian, as bisexual as you like, when you marry a straight you are lying to them, or you are making a promise it will hurt you to keep because SEX Matters!!!

not just the babies, it's in how you feel, the rest of your life.

 

Ok, Lili, if sex is/was at the core of your relationship and was unsatisfying, I have no idea how you stayed in your relationship for so long. I hope you are getting a lot more of it now that you are out.

Anon, of course those are lived experiences, but can't you see how irrational our conclusions around "he is agitated because he is gay" sometimes are? Man, it's still so raw and we are peddling against societal expectations. He also cries in unpredictable places, particularly when he feels that "he can't be a man enough for me". It's OK to be vulnerable. It's OK to repair. This is how you grow. But yes, you need a lot of mental fitness go through this pain and not get stuck in it. And you need to be both in it. If I ever feel like I'm putting more than he does, I won't stay, believe me. I just don't see the point in throwing away a great relationship for the sake of... I don't really know what? Not ever crying? I think it's healthy and it's not like I'm not going to grieve if I leave.

It's not like straight relationships don't cause women tears. Man, I've been in a couple of those, the pain was just as real, except I felt far more abandoned and left to deal with it on my own.

For now, I choose him.

Last edited by Alex1984 (September 7, 2024 6:44 pm)

There's a certain humour in this - it's not that I did or didn't believe sex was at the core of my relationship, I didn't really think about it, I'd joined a Hindu/Christian quasi religious group, one of those ones that were so popular in the 70's - that's how I met him.  

I coped by doing lots of meditation.