Hello everyone, 

I’ve been avoiding posting to this forum for a while now (not really sure why), but I figure it’s time to reach out.  It’s been almost 2 years since my wife came out as a lesbian.  After a month or so of naively thinking we could make a MOM work, I found out about her affair.  I was still willing to make things work, even to the point of completely giving up my sexuality and living celibately together.  However, I couldn’t make myself be okay with an open marriage which was the only compromise she was willing to accept, so we separated.  My mental heath quickly took a downturn and I came very close to hanging myself.  In a moment of clarity, I admitted myself to a mental hospital and started the recovery process.  Medicine and counseling helped, I dove into my work (I’m a grad student), and things got better for a while.  But pretty quickly, everything started to fall apart again.  My career feels meaningless, and I don’t really feel like I belong in academia because it basically requires being a cheerleader for the LGBT community (I fully support equal rights, but I’m still deeply wounded by many people in that community and just can’t be a cheerleader for people I see as my abusers).  I’ve also realized over time that my marriage was emotionally abusive (gaslighting, manipulation, verbal abuse, etc.). and I feel that it instilled in me an utter sense of worthlessness that I’m really struggling to move past.  I’ve tried going on dates to move on, but I just can’t seem to develop any sort of romantic feelings for anyone, and life feels meaningless.

Anyway, I don’t want to end up in the hospital again, but I just expected things to be better by now.  Any support would be helpful.





 

Dutchman, thank you so much for your story.  My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years and she discovered she may be lesbian last week (we had talked about her being attracted to women before getting married).  We share many similarities in terms of faith, which is refreshing because it's been hard to find Christians who support LGBTQ rights.  It has all been very confusing because we love each other very much, and the thought of getting divorced honestly seems inconceivable right now.  However, I feel the need to put divorce on the table. 

One of my biggest fears right now is getting 15 years down the road, having a kid (I'm a child of divorce and never want that for my kids), and her getting to the point where she just can't take it anymore and leaves.  So I wanted to give her the option to leave now since neither of us chose a MOM.  At the same time, I feel like I can't live in limbo forever, and I don't know if I should start building walls to protect myself from the damage divorce would bring, or if I should dig in even deeper into our marriage and relationship.  She says all the time that she loves me and wants to stay, and I believe her.  But I also know how strong her feelings are, and she feels like she's living a double life.  Do you or your wife have any suggestions for ways for her to express her sexuality and not feel like she's pretending to be someone she's not, while staying faithful to our marriage (an open marriage isn't really an option for us because it seems like that will only lead to a sterile roommate kind of situation).  We are both very young (25 and 21), and feel very unprepared for this, so your experience is welcome.