Enjoy your trip. It was nice to talk to you. Can you give me a shout back when you return, please?

Thanks for sharing. Your positions are different to mine, but not totally different either. 

Hi Memphian,

It doesn’t seem Dutchman has visited SSN in awhile, but I’ll see if I can somehow get a message to him. 

Tangled 

Memphian,

I understand you put divorce on the table, because marriage should not be a jail, and the decision to go forward together should be a voluntary choice. What happens 15 years down the road nobody can predict.
But a relation (and much in life) is about choices and not something overpowering that just happens. We always have a choice. Everyone has the gift of free will, use that freedom and walk in it.

My wife described how this is for her in her most recent post, and I hope this answers your question:

Samantha wrote:

...
So, accept each other completely, holds that it’s important to know what you both choose. Going for a MOM means: your spouse and your marriage.
SO you do NOT go on alone, or each of you goes his or her separate way, but you both engage a MOM!
This implies that the choice to accept your sexual preference does not take precedence. Mind you… I do not say ignore or cover up. BUT that the center of gravity lies elsewhere.
Giving shape to what the choice “going on and continue together” entails:
What your spouse means to you.
What is the value you seek to find in knowing and participate in the inner significance and being of your spouse, and I can not emphasize this enough, this applies to both partners!
 
I.e. : If my sexual orientation does not primarily(=only) represent my entire identity, then... it should not be the core of my marriage.
If my sexual orientation isn't the only element of my identity, then... it isn't the only component that should receive preferential treatment in my marriage.
If my sexuality is important, then... it is equally the case for my partner’s sexuality.
That means, while keeping  the above in mind (and yes… it also takes time and inventiveness and a lot of honest and open talking together), everything is striving to find, not to only give shape to this, but also to get to know your partner as deeply as possible. No secrets. No open ends...from a full conviction that your spouse is equally loved and valued as yourself wants and needs to be.
This defining mindset is placed in your own hand.
 
The choice and freedom to want to fully accept, love and touch someone comes not just from a feeling but from your will because it expresses what you want in heart and mind.
The choice and freedom to invest in your marriage and to want to go for it is not defined by your impossibilities or feelings of missing out, but by your willingness and consideration to follow through on your promise to move forward together.
That choice and that freedom is not limiting, but rather gives room not to close yourself off from your spouse. It does not stuff everything down from a deep down feeling “I must” (denotation: I do not want), or “I need” (denotation: what I have does not gratify) or “I am” (denotation: In essence I so not want to do this).
It implies turning your back to a (traditional, cultural) thinking pattern that states you cannot do otherwise. Where it’s mandatory one has to live out sexual desire in order to be authentic. In essence you can’t master your feelings and don’t have a choice. Feelings rule what you do! Your sexual (preferences) determine what you do, are and how to live.
NO WAY!
No, it’s your heart, your mind, it’s from your standards, values and consideration that determine which way you want to go and what you yourself want to belief.
It is nonsense to let freedom of choice be taken away from you.
Feelings are a consequence. They follow your deliberate taken conviction from own choice and the freedom you find therein to give priority to what you decide and to organize your life accordingly.
As a result actual inner peace and joy is found in what you have, and not in what you don't have. Which means consciously and confidently, going with passion for what you have chosen.

For me that means: The whole world can say, "yes, but you are gay ...". Well, let them! And Yes I am….
But the whole world cannot tell me what I should do with that sexual preference.
From my sexual preference I undoubtedly have the option to choose not to want to be intimate with my husband or even feel not to be able to touch him.
But if that is true, I can just as well make a considered decision to love, touch and want to feel my husband and make him my priority. My interior is mine. My choice is mine. My will is mine. I can determine what is important to me.
...

This is not just a feeling or good intentions, but a stance in life my wife learned. Being in a MOM was much more to us than just getting our marriage to a save ground and/or learning to cope, it changed us and the way we think in many ways.

Dutchman,
It looks like I was unknowingly in a MOM for almost 14 yrs (married for 11) until my husband decided that in order for him to be happy and have a fulfilling life, he needs to explore being gay. Even though he still has not had any physical/romantic relationships with a man, he believes it's not just about sex, but that he is missing an emotional connection that he can only be found by being with a man.
I am sad the he could not be happy with me, with what we had, with our child, and our life together. It is difficult to comprehend that the illusion of what he can find has more value that the love I have for him.
It's been almost 3 weeks since he moved out. My husband has died, and all I have left are the memories of a life that I'm not sure was real. My child still has a father, but I don't really know who that person is anymore.