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March 10, 2023 3:53 am  #1

Almost 2 years out, not much better

Hello everyone, 

I’ve been avoiding posting to this forum for a while now (not really sure why), but I figure it’s time to reach out.  It’s been almost 2 years since my wife came out as a lesbian.  After a month or so of naively thinking we could make a MOM work, I found out about her affair.  I was still willing to make things work, even to the point of completely giving up my sexuality and living celibately together.  However, I couldn’t make myself be okay with an open marriage which was the only compromise she was willing to accept, so we separated.  My mental heath quickly took a downturn and I came very close to hanging myself.  In a moment of clarity, I admitted myself to a mental hospital and started the recovery process.  Medicine and counseling helped, I dove into my work (I’m a grad student), and things got better for a while.  But pretty quickly, everything started to fall apart again.  My career feels meaningless, and I don’t really feel like I belong in academia because it basically requires being a cheerleader for the LGBT community (I fully support equal rights, but I’m still deeply wounded by many people in that community and just can’t be a cheerleader for people I see as my abusers).  I’ve also realized over time that my marriage was emotionally abusive (gaslighting, manipulation, verbal abuse, etc.). and I feel that it instilled in me an utter sense of worthlessness that I’m really struggling to move past.  I’ve tried going on dates to move on, but I just can’t seem to develop any sort of romantic feelings for anyone, and life feels meaningless.

Anyway, I don’t want to end up in the hospital again, but I just expected things to be better by now.  Any support would be helpful.



March 10, 2023 9:21 am  #2

Re: Almost 2 years out, not much better

Hello Memphian - I am not a therapist or anything or the sort, just a guy who has suffered the same type of deep loss and betrayal. My nearly ex-wife of 23 years claims to be lesbian now and maybe she is (Lesbian's dont need condoms though) She has been staying with her new girlfriend and told our kids that why we are divorcing. The intensity of the pain is nearly indescribable, as I know you can attest. That said, I am in a good place today and will happily share why I believe that to be the case. 

Despite what felt like the death (in many ways, it was) of a loved one, I knew from the day I found about she had been carrying on an affair I had to control what I did. I could not see things clearly, but knew I wanted to make good decisions. I dedicate myself to working out daily, meditation, and focusing on myself and my kids. I was relentless and never missed a day. I also did not attempt to stop the pain, I wanted to feel it all and get through it. There were days I wasnt sure I could breath, but I kept getting up and trying my best. (Your best varies from day to day) 

My ex lies constantly, I dont think she is even capable of discerning truth from her lies at this point. She gaslights like no other. Much like you, time and distance (I went low contact months ago) gave me clarity, I was in an emotionally abusive and psychologically abusive relationship for years. Between my healthy habits and recognizing her for what she actually is, a deeply broken person, my expectations dropped. She has the emotional maturity of a 10 year, so why let her trigger me? Don't get me wrong, occasionally she still does and I don't judge myself for that, but overall, I communicate only what is needed to co-parent. I literally ignore her presence otherwise. 

Why does this matter? Its twofold: focusing on myself, I have re-discovered who I am and I like me! I have also done the hard work of emotionally separating from a toxic woman. Combined, I am in a good headspace, dated a few high value women and recently connected with a girl I went to HS with 25 years ago. In such a short time, I've felt more loved and understood by her than I had with ex in 23 years. You can find it, but you have to take care of yourself first. If you've not changed your daily habits, you'll need to. If you have, consider trying even more different things. 

Once you work on you, change your patterns, you will vibrate at a higher level and start attaching the right type of people into your life. The universe is a boomerang, sending you back what you put out. The more you love yourself, the more love you will receive in return. 

Wish you the very best. I know they are dark days, but you can make it. Inch by inch.  


March 10, 2023 12:08 pm  #3

Re: Almost 2 years out, not much better

Memphian wrote:

Memphian...remember this is a marathon not a sprint and there will always be a straightspouse here to listen and encourage


Blackie563 wrote:

......I also did not attempt to stop the pain, I wanted to feel it all and get through it. There were days I wasnt sure I could breath, but I kept getting up and trying my best....

Blackie 😊 good words


KIA KAHA                       

March 10, 2023 12:30 pm  #4

Re: Almost 2 years out, not much better

Hi Memphian, sorry to hear you are struggling.  

So, what can you do to help yourself?  Be kind to yourself at all times.  Allow yourself to think through it all.  Trust yourself.  Trust yourself to heal on automatic - like your skin does from a cut.

I joined a bridge club.  It put me in the company of other people and I like playing cards.  After a while I noticed that when I sat down at table and started playing I was pain free - I could rely on 2 hours of pain free and I realised it was the same for others in the group.

If it is an option, then consider getting a pet.  Or a pot plant, yes seriously, a plant still requires you to tend to it.  Looking after my plants is again a time my pain eases.  Posting here is good of course.  If you can get to the forest or the sea, that eases your spirit.  I started cooking the odd meal for an elderly neighbour and that helped me make the effort to make nice food for myself, and we have become friends.

Know that it gets easier with time.


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