JK, I’m sad to hear that you’ve had such a tough time lately. 
It sounds like you feel you have a duty to be the “good guy” and allow him in for “special occasions”. You really don’t need to do that. The most important thing here is your mental health and your children. Your kids understand that he is causing you to spiral so just commit to not seeing him, it’s completely fine and the right thing to do. 

Put yourself first, one day you may be ok with seeing him and not being triggered into a spiral. That is not now so keep him at bay.

We’re not used to being ruthless. But ruthless is ok. 

Yes, you’re being duped.

He’s attracted to same sex
He’s a liar
He’s a cheat

Walk, please will you call SSN or a suicide hotline. I don’t have any US numbers, does anyone else have them to hand?

There is a future for you, but it’s completely understandable that you can’t see past the present.

Please, please talk to someone.

lily wrote:

I dunno, Duped, I can appreciate you like the man, there are plenty of people who like my ex too, everyone, he's so appealing he seems so very kind, Mr Empathy himself.  I would just say to them would you like to be married to him?  it's not okay for me.  oh.

We all think we would see the fleece, we wouldn't be fooled but the whole point of the story of the wolf in sheep's clothing is that he does fool us.  I called my ex one when we were in the process of separating and he painted a Christmas card for me with a wolf in a dressing gown leaning up against the chimney piece.  It was so cute.  

doesn't change a thing about what he did to me, does it.  all those years of deliberately stringing me along.  Unkind, he was super unkind to me.  

I must admit my first thought was about the timing of this. Has he finally got a strong boyfriend he is in love with, is he under threat of disclosure, these are the ideas I have and I don't think oh has he got his wife's pain on his conscience.

I think that just makes me realistic.  well, maybe a bit cynical but not inhuman!

His wife has no choice in this situation but to be supportive of him, does she.

I understand Lily, and MJM I’m sorry if I was reactive. Maybe seeing him suffer brought back memories of my own hurt at seeing my ex so frail back when it happened. Also I’m clearly a sucker for thinking people are nice when they probably aren’t!

I still think he’s said enough publicly but agree that he’s no better than any of our exes.

And it turns out he came out because his lover was about to out him. I did say at the time he must have been caught. Then I saw him on telly and the old stupid naive me popped up again.

It’s weird because I was standing up for this man here and at the same time knowing I would never ever forgive or stand up for my ex. Duped, it’s my name after all!



 

As I say I’m disappointed that anyone would expect another human being to do anymore than this man did on a public stage. His distress was palpable. We do have to draw a line on how much more mental damage we want to inflict on people. We have all been through immense hurt but let’s not completely toss out our humanity. I’m glad I’m not hellbent on breaking people despite what happened to me.