walkbymyself wrote:

I am in a very dark place today.  Please, if you respond, please don't do that reflexive thing where you insist, against all evidence, that I have so much to live for.  It only forces me to argue with you endlessly and forces me to dwell in great detail on how bad things really are.

They're that bad.

I am not planning to go through with it.  I have two reasons.  My daughter would never recover.  And, my death would end my husband's support obligation, which is the ONLY price he is paying for what he did to me, and I'm not going to reward him like that.
I need permission to comfort myself with thoughts of suicide.  If it gets really bad, it's in my power to end it.  It's the only thing I feel I have left.  .

 

This morning when I woke I checked my phone for the time then (I don't usually do this) scanned through the new posts on the Forum and saw yours Walk. My heart screamed out for you and I wanted to open my laptop and reply immediately.....but I held back because if my partner had walked in and seen me at my laptop he would have raised his eyes to the ceiling, maybe tsk'd or looked at me scornfully. He still has this weird hold over me, and it's all about how I see myself through his eyes...if that makes sense!

It's 6.30am, he's gone to work and I can now reply  
I myself gave myself permission to have dark thoughts, comforting thoughts of driving off a cliff, or throwing myself in front of a freight train. The freight train would be the quickest way but then I'm plagued by thoughts of the anguish of the train-driver. And my children...my grandchildren! and what they would never get to know about me.

So often I did exactly what you've obviously done...sat in anguish and sadness. And listened to music. Do you know? when you feel stuck and alone every single song you listen to is sad, or you pick the few chords of a song that sticks a knife into your heart and that's what that song represents.

I don't think I'd have survived this long if my emotions hadn't sunk to the depths I'd allowed them to go

As an aside to the suicidal thoughts, and this only occured to me much later into this Mindfuck.....the fact I've written a new will, made it representative of the present, and have added a personal letter to my children with a copy of the mind-blowing email sent to me by my partner 3 years ago makes me feel if anything happens to me nobody will be left in the dark. 

I wish you peace but most of all I wish you strength Walk xx

Elle

 

Good for you, Walk for talking about it.  We all tend to go up and down.  I remember my mother, she was in an awful position, unkindness from within the family and physically helpless after a bad stroke and she had every right to be suicidal and she was.  she said to me that she had turned to the wall but was a bit annoyed to find she still liked eating!

We still went on to have some very happy times.  She was such a lovely person, trustworthy loving and a lot of fun to be with and I treasure all those memories of her.

Walk,

Yes your daughter needs you..maybe not now but in the future..these kids will need us in the end.  It May be , God forbid, when they are our age and having to divorce..being there for them is something we need to do.

For myself i signed the settlement that made sense at the time but if its any comfort ..even the most experienced and thorough lawyer cannot think of all expenses or things that may come up. I think we all have things we wish we settled differently. 

Our kids bind us to this earth.  I can say, like you,while i was going through this death was an option sure...I longed for a better place.  In my GXs abuse it would have been easy. I even called the suicide hotline the one night I was shaking uncontrollably as she was out cheating.
Know though that we dont know what our future holds..things may work out better than you expect.

Some days i get depressed about the financials..and some days I remind myself that it is priceless..worth millions of dollars..worth living in a box on the street to be away from GX.

Give it all to God..believe that God is looking down and sees the difference between wrong and right.  In this life and the next know that you did your best.  And that is something these spouses can never say.

PM me if you want.

Prayers and ehugs

ok so now I'm crying.

About a week or so ago, i found a YouTube clip of Stephen Colbert, in the beginning of his show he takes questions from the audience but that part doesn't get filmed, and someone had asked him about how he'd met his wife.  And he got all excited like a little kid, talking about how he'd literally seen her in a crowded room and known right away she was going to be his wife.  It was so incredibly sweet, and I texted the link to my daughter, and she called me the next day and told me how much she loved seeing that, and how much she really wanted to know a man who could love her like that..

And it just breaks my heart, because the example I lived, I denied myself real love for this fraudster.  He never openly displayed affection (now we know why) and it always bothered my daughter.  When she was little, she used to say to him "Daddy, put your arm around Mamma."  and try to stage-manage him so that he would act the way she saw other fathers act towards women they loved.  And it was so awkward, because my husband always claimed he hated "public displays of affection" but in reality when I found his texts, he was texting his gay boyfriend with pet names like "Hon" and "babe" and signing off with a casual "love you, babe" that I never got in two and a half decades of marriage, plus another eight years of dating and living together before that.  

Just watching that clip of Colbert, I felt like, why is this so complicated?  Here's a guy who is straight and loves his wife, and he's actually proud to show it.