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1 - Brooklyn66
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Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
Has anyone actually accepted that their husband may want to live a completely heterosexual life, enjoy sex with women, want to be married to women, attracted to women, but enjoys male sex? My husband has been seeing the same man 3-4 times a year for years and I just found out. He swears it was purely physical. He cut all contact. Blocked the number. Etc. He says he's straight but has these bedroom kinks. Am I being duped? Has anyone believed this and moved on successfully?
- Duped
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
Yes, you’re being duped.
He’s attracted to same sex
He’s a liar
He’s a cheat
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
Brooklyn66 wrote:
Has anyone actually accepted that their husband may want to live a completely heterosexual life, enjoy sex with women, want to be married to women, attracted to women, but enjoys male sex? My husband has been seeing the same man 3-4 times a year for years and I just found out. He swears it was purely physical. He cut all contact. Blocked the number. Etc. He says he's straight but has these bedroom kinks. Am I being duped? Has anyone believed this and moved on successfully?
Brooklyn...enjoying male sex means it's NOT and would never BE a heterosexual life. Can you trust a man who keeps a sexual r'ship with a man secret for many years...should you trust him to tell you the truth ever? That's the question.
KIA KAHA
- MJM017
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
That must be very painful to know he’s cheating on you. That alone would make me end it.
The second part is that he is not straight. No straight man has regular sex with a man. He may be duping himself or simply duping you into being his beard.
I hope your partner is not abusive or gaslighting you. My ex did that. He did not want to leave the closet. I assume he was having sex with men looking back during that time. He started out as the ideal straight fiancé & husband interested in me. He turned into a scary monster who refused to be intimate with me for years.
I did divorce. Divorce is always painful under every circumstance. I am free of the abuse and living a happier life. It was the best decision I made during the marriage. Take care of yourself.
Last edited by MJM017 (March 10, 2020 5:49 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Daryl
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
He's risking his health and yours. I'd be willing to bet that this other guy isn't exclusive with your spouse if it were ever only three or four times a year.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- JoeC
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
Time for some more difficult conversations. It took me some time to actually build up the "guts" to confront what I was seeing and mostly feeling in my relationship. Hope you can get there.
- Lyonene
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
"Straight male that enjoys sex with men".
The world has become so convoluted and tries so hard to live in denial-land where every little thought or fantasy must redefine reality to suit their own personal validation as what they *want* to be.
I'm waiting for the day I can pretend my way to being a glamorous billionaire and get validated by the public as one because my precious little feelings need to actually shape public belief. 😉
- HurtAndConfused
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
My GIDH started out by trying to explain it this way. "I'm straight but I just like anal sex and you dont want it" fast forward today, he acknowledges that hes a gay man who was in denial for many years.
- HappyNow
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
Has anyone actually accepted that their husband may want to live a completely heterosexual life, enjoy sex with women, want to be married to women, attracted to women, but enjoys male sex? My husband has been seeing the same man 3-4 times a year for years and I just found out. He swears it was purely physical. He cut all contact. Blocked the number. Etc. He says he's straight but has these bedroom kinks. Am I being duped? Has anyone believed this and moved on successfully?
Hi Brooklyn66,
As a woman who's husband REALLY wanted to live a pretend straight life with me, married with two kids, amazing jobs, beautiful extended family.... I get it.... After discovering he was sleeping with men behind my back, he too said he would stop. REALLY? Just think about this for a second... If he even could stop these behaviours, would he have risked his entire marriage in the first place.
To all women who are hoping he will stop, I promise you he is lying and he WON'T. He will just be way more careful to hide it and next time you'll probably never find out.
Fast forward 6.5 years after discovery, I look back now and leaving him was the BEST thing id ever done. Hardest thing I've ever done, but ultimately the BEST.
First step, LEAVE HIM
Second step, Get an amazing lawyer to protect yourself and your children
Third Step, STOP carrying his secret, his guilt, - HE DID THIS! He knew the risks, This is ALL ON HIM.
I have done a TON of inner work over the past 6.5 years. I am no longer hurt or angry, but I was at first oh boy was my heart EVER broken. I literally wanted to kill myself, everyday I prayed to die. It was the worse time in my entire life.
But today I THRIVE. I have an amazing life. One I created out of the death of that relationship. I didn't know it then but I was BORN from that pain. I turned inward, I did all the work. I searched endlessly for role models. I listened to EVERYTHING I could get my hands on to work through that pain. AND I DID. POWERFULLY!
It wasn't easy, but it was SOOOOOOOO WORTH IT.
Attempting to stay or staying in a marriage with someone who would cheat on you with MAN OR WOMAN (makes no differences to me) will not work. A foundation built on lies will never hold anything up of value.
All it will do is completely erode your self respect and self esteem.
I took self development courses, I took the landmark forum.
I found POWERFUL female role models & dating coaches online like Sami Wonder, Esther Perel, Brené Brown and
the incredible Alison Armstrong who launched me back into my values that I had long since forgotten and knowing how ultra special I was as a woman. The woman I had forgotten about was slowly returning as I watched you tube videos and listened to anything I could get my hands on and their programs to build my self esteem.
I really came to fully understand that what HE did, what choices HE made for himself and our life had NOTHING to do with ME. I was still an amazing woman, wife, mother. Actually, I really got how amazing of a wife I was AFTER I discovered him because I looked back and saw all the things I had over looked because I was loving and supporting him and that's what a good wife should do. I had to let go completely of the thinking that I DID SOMETHING WRONG.
Turn inward now. Be gentle on yourself. Make powerful decisions about your future. YOU WILL GET PAST THIS.
And if you wanna talk, message me, Im here
- Davin
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Re: Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men
Has anyone actually accepted that their husband may want to live a completely heterosexual life, enjoy sex with women, want to be married to women, attracted to women, but enjoys male sex? My husband has been seeing the same man 3-4 times a year for years and I just found out. He swears it was purely physical. He cut all contact. Blocked the number. Etc. He says he's straight but has these bedroom kinks. Am I being duped? Has anyone believed this and moved on successfully?
When one partner wants to "live a heterosexual lifestyle" but secretly have homosexual affairs, that person is using their spouse for their cover story.
A man who enjoys sex with other men is either bi-sexual or gay. There is no such thing as a heterosexual male that enjoys sex with other men. A heterosexual male simply couldn't do that. I'm a straight male and I can tell you that there is no way I could "enjoy" sex with another man. There is no physical attraction that I would feel toward another man. There would be no sexual arousal, and actually, quite the contrary, it would totally gross me out.
Yes, you are being duped. He is buying time. He is telling you the things that he thinks you want to hear in hopes that you will stick around and maintain his cover story.
This will not get better. This is not a phase or a simple quirk. This is your husband telling you he is at least bi-sexual if not full on homosexual.
Can you trust that in the future he will not take on male lovers without you knowing? He will be clever to hide it. Knowing that you would have suspicions, he will go to great lengths to deceive you. He will create opportunities and situations for which you could not possibly catch him and that extra adrenaline rush will make it even more appealing to him. I hate to say it, but this is a man for whom you will not be able to fully trust again.
You deserve better than this! You do not need to settle for someone who uses you for a cover story. You do not need to settle for a relationship where he can't return your love for him in the same way that you are in love with him. That was the straw that broke the camels back in my marriage -- my wife told me that she didn't have the capacity to love me in the way that I needed to be loved (a romantic love, eros as the Greeks would call it). She said that she loved me only as a friend, like a brother, but could not love me the way I needed to be loved by my spouse.