I have heard it said that it's best to strike while your spouse is distracted.  Maybe your spouse will be so focused on getting free so he can date (live out his fantasy) that he won't making the split of resources more difficult.  

The house question is really hard.  As your stbx is living elsewhere, and so focused on his new self and life, I'm guessing that you'll be the one who will be getting the house ready for sale.  Apart from the pain of uprooting yourself from your home, the market really is such that finding another place for yourself to buy with what you recover from the marriage won't be easy.  Plus your children, even if they aren't living at home any longer, will lose their childhood home.  This is the kind of pain and disruption our spouses cause, and yet they focus on themselves. 

Don't put the house on the market until you've figured out where you're going to live, and when you want to move in.  (If you find a place to buy you can negotiate a bridge loan until your house sells.)  A good realtor can help a lot with the anxiety of selling the house. You can get a market assessment from several and choose the one you are most comfortable with.  I hope you'll check with your lawyer about whether you can assign a monetary value to any work you do to get the house ready for sale--whether clearing it out or overseeing repairs or staging--and account for it in the settlement of assets.  I had to go through so much in the house, just to move out (I sold my half to my spouse), and it was a emotionally painful task to go through 35 years of married life--I uncovered, for example, a copy of our wedding invitation, announcement, and the vows we'd written.   

 

You should definitely consult a lawyer.  You.  For you.  Especially if you are having the feeling that your stbx is being selfish in what she is asking.

Ellexoh is right that without a lawyer emotions can prevail over reason.  On both sides.  At the very least, the lawyer can tell you what you are entitled to under the law and whether the proposed settlement is in fact fair to you. 

Many of us, me included, discovered that our spouses, who had declared they would be reasonable and fair in the process, became other than that as the divorce progressed.  In my case, my ex was quite reasonable as long as I acquiesced to the split of assets he was proposing.  In our long marriage (36 years at the date of divorce), I had acquired the habit of deferring to my now-ex as a default position, something I didn't even realize had happened and that caused me a lot of tension when I had to negotiate a settlement with my now-ex.     

I started a comment this morning, after reading this thread, but deleted it.  But seeing what Lily has written, that she's "never seen someone tell another poster to shut up here before" I would like to say something similar. 

Keanu, that you come onto a forum as a new member and demand support while telling someone else to "shut up" made me wary of engaging with you. 

 

What you've discovered comes as a huge shock.  To know you were living in your marriage with a closeted gay man for two decades absolutely does make you question your whole life together--and whether you are still married or divorced doesn't alter that.  You still go back over the whole marriage, and ask yourself if it any of it was true, whether or not he ever loved you, and just what he married you for.  That you have been communicating with him amicably since the divorce just adds to the upset, because you have been operating in good faith, as you also were during the marriage.  

Have you considered telling your children, rather than asking them?  Or speaking with a counselor yourself, with the aim of telling the kids, maybe even in a counseling session?  That might be the way to go, rather than simply going on as you are now, knowing what you know, and wondering what your children know.

And does your spouse's heart break for the kids?  And, if so, what is she willing to do to lighten their burden? Pay attention to that, because it is an index to her real feelings and to her real concern.