I was with my now-ex for 32 years when he dropped his trans bomb. It came out of the blue, and, like you, I was blindsided.  There had been no clues--or at least nothing I could have even understood to be a clue! 

Also like you, I experienced as a result of that blow a crisis in my ability to trust my judgment and my perceptions. Because if I'd missed THAT, how could I trust myself to be confident of anything I might think?  It was paralyzing, and not just in interpersonal relations.  I doubted my ability to make good judgments across the board.  I have not wanted even to attempt to re-partner, but I'm sure I would have difficulties trusting that what the person was presenting as himself was in fact what he really was.  

All that personal history is a preface to saying that it seems to me that your not trusting HIM might also be your not trusting YOU. Yes, you wonder whether what he's showing you is the truth.  But you are also not trusting your own ability to tell what is the truth.  Not trusting him may, that is, also be a symptom or side effect of your not trusting yourself and your own perceptions and judgements   All of that distrust--of a partner's preesentation of himself and of your own ability to judte--is a direct result of your now-ex misleading you and misrepresenting himself.  Your now-ex's actions, that is, are the source of the problem, not some supposed failure on your part to be able to trust.  

Looking for "clues" that your current partner is or isn't trustworthy may be, then, a displacement of the lack of trust you feel in yourself. If you can't trust yourself, then you want him to show you that you can trust him.  Or, because you don't trust yourself, you continually look for "clues" for validatio or for reassurance.  But because no clue can satisfy or remedy your lack of trust in your own perceptions, you can't lay your doubt to rest.  The problem isn't your new partner's actions; it's that your now-ex's actions led to entire

Fun Grapefruit:

Oh, where to start!  With your fear you are somehow out of line or politically incorrect for your very reasonable reaction to your husband's rejection of the male self he presented himself as when you married him?   You're not.  Of course you would be distressed.  He's telling you he isn't what he seemed or presented himself to be, and knew that at the time he married you.   I went through something very similar, and the effect of it is that you are shaken to your very core, while he has known about his own urges for a very long time.  You're playing catch up and trying to incorporate what he's told you into your past with him while also having to deal with him in the present.  

I went through something very similar to you in the sense of your husband's changing ideas about "who he feels he is."  My now-ex's views about himself changed over time, and although after an initial declaration he was planning to take cross-sex hormones, have his testicles removed, and transition, he drew back, said he would live in the closet, wouldn't do anything permanent, but wouldn't rule out changing his mind in the future.  I liken this to  "waiting for the other shoe to drop,"  because it meant I could never relax, as I never knew when or if he would change his mind.  It's no way to live.  

At the same time my now-ex, was telling me he didn't see himself doing anything "permanent" (at least not in the foreseeable future), he, like your husband, was ramping up his cross-dressing.  From saying he would wear lingerie in the bedroom only or women's clothes when I wasn't at home, he started wearing women's loungewear in the mornings while he had his coffee and read the paper.  When I confronted him about this, he claimed he was "trying to get me used to it," meaning he was attempting to manipulate me into accepting more.  One thing I learned, both from my experience as well as from what other women who have been in our shoes have said, is that ever

L&L:

In response to what you wrote:

"But what do I know?"  Your analysis is as valid as any other.  But the question that follows your perception is "But what can I do about it?" and the answer is "Nothing."  That is one source of the frustration you feel.  You see what to you is clearly wrong, but you have no power to stop it.  You don't control it.  And in my experience, expressing your concern to him is not likely to yield the result you'd like.  So that means you have to decide what your boundaries and actions will be.  

You say that you are both feeling he must have known this about himself before he married you and that it seems to have come out of nowhere.  It's likely that he has been feeling these urges for a very long time, although they may have taken another shape or he didn't know how to describe or think of them, until along came the trans craze, and gave him a satisfying answer.  And when I say "satisfying," I don't just mean an intellectual explanation, that it satisfied a rational need to understand.  I also mean "satisying" in the sexual sense.  Have you ever wondered why he has chosen women's undergarments as his garment of choice?   If you haven't researched autogynephilia, it's time.  Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would Be Queen" (available as a pdf free online), Ray Blanchard's work, or that of the trans-identified "Anne" Lawrence ("Men Trapped in Men's Bodies" and "Shame and Narcissistic Rage in Autogynephilic Transsexualism") are all good starting places.  

The "is that ok?": He is making you into the police force, whether it's the behavior or clothing police, asking you to sanction his behavior.  This puts you on the spot, exerting pressure on you to agree, while letting him off the hook of his own decisions and actions but able to defend that as attempting to include you.  Here's an experiment for you: say no. Tell him it's not ok.  Tell him it makes you uncomfortable, or that it hurts you to see him act and dress l

Borogove: With respect, if you aren't a divorce lawyer you don't know what your options are.  A lawyer can tell you whether if your wife lives rent free in her parents' house that will affect any child or spousal support.  
For me, seeing a lawyer was a momentous step to take (as it was for Ellexoh), partly because to me it felt as if it were the step at which I had to give up hope we wouldn't divorce.  But it was a very necessary step to take, both for the information and in letting go of my hope in the face of clear evidence that my marriage was over. 

Imogene: I say this as someone who was married to a closeted trans-identifying man, and who stayed in his closet for eighteen months before I found this site.  (I stayed with him for three years after his declaration that he was "a woman in a man's body.")  I know how difficult and confusing and painful what you're experiencing is, because I also lived it. 

Living in someone else's closet is a recipe for isolation and psychological damage.  Plus it leaves you open to manipulation.  You need to be able to voice your fears and reactions with someone other than your husband: a family member, a good friend you trust, a supportive therapist (who doesn't see their job as "educating" you on why you need to "accept" your spouse).   This site is a good first step.