Str8Mom wrote:

. Anyone overcome it?

 
I spent at least half my 38 years with my former partner having those fears and uncertainties. My journey to separation was such that I had a good chance to process all the feelings before I made the jump.
I loved that man so much, but I hated the other side of him that he kept to himself.

We're all different. And the sum of all we are and have been determines how we progress. For myself I'm not interested in having my heart broken. Again. So it's an easy decision to just get on being me.
I'm not sure of your age but you may have a healthy libido 😎 and need that physical/romantic contact. So.... it's all down to you. Sounds like you have a man who's good with communication, that's great but there's no crystal ball for straightspouses I'm afraid.

Elle

I was with my now-ex for 32 years when he dropped his trans bomb. It came out of the blue, and, like you, I was blindsided.  There had been no clues--or at least nothing I could have even understood to be a clue! 

Also like you, I experienced as a result of that blow a crisis in my ability to trust my judgment and my perceptions. Because if I'd missed THAT, how could I trust myself to be confident of anything I might think?  It was paralyzing, and not just in interpersonal relations.  I doubted my ability to make good judgments across the board.  I have not wanted even to attempt to re-partner, but I'm sure I would have difficulties trusting that what the person was presenting as himself was in fact what he really was.  

All that personal history is a preface to saying that it seems to me that your not trusting HIM might also be your not trusting YOU. Yes, you wonder whether what he's showing you is the truth.  But you are also not trusting your own ability to tell what is the truth.  Not trusting him may, that is, also be a symptom or side effect of your not trusting yourself and your own perceptions and judgements   All of that distrust--of a partner's preesentation of himself and of your own ability to judte--is a direct result of your now-ex misleading you and misrepresenting himself.  Your now-ex's actions, that is, are the source of the problem, not some supposed failure on your part to be able to trust.  

Looking for "clues" that your current partner is or isn't trustworthy may be, then, a displacement of the lack of trust you feel in yourself. If you can't trust yourself, then you want him to show you that you can trust him.  Or, because you don't trust yourself, you continually look for "clues" for validatio or for reassurance.  But because no clue can satisfy or remedy your lack of trust in your own perceptions, you can't lay your doubt to rest.  The problem isn't your new partner's actions; it's that your now-ex's actions led to entirely natural reactions in you--a lack of trust that others are who they say they are, and that you can trust what you think you're seeing.  I can understand your partner's frustration, but I hope he's understanding of what your partner put you through, and can have patience as you work your way back to being able to trust--a partner and yourself. 

  What will quiet your fears is addressing the base issue, which is the blow you took from being blindsided about something so basic as your spouse's sexuality.  It's that which has caused your lack of trust in your perceptions.  What would help you (in therapy or out of it on your own, would be to address this not as "a failure to trust your new partner," but as a reaction to the trauma you experienced as a result of your now-ex's decades-long deception.  If you don't know the work of Omar Minwall, please look up "the secret sexual basement."  Minwalla works with the spouses and families of those who kept secrets about their sexuality or sexual behavior  

Here's what has helped me: to know (and remind myself when necessary) that my now-ex was an expert at compartmentalizing, hiding, and secrecy.  He deceived me.  He was, you could say, a kind of con man, actively trying to manipulate me, something he outright admitted to me when he said, referring to his actions around cross-dressing at a time he had already told me he wouldn't cross-dress, "I thought I could get you used to it."  I took so much upon myself while we were married, especially after his disclosure, even living in his closet for three years, when the responsibility really rested with him.  I blamed myself for problems not of my making.  But eventually "how could I not see?" has given way (at least most of the time) to "how could he believe deception was an ethical choice on his part?"  

If you do opt for therapy, opt for trauma-informed therapy.  And I would hope your therapist would focus not on your supposed "failures," but on your now-ex's deceptions--his failures and manipulations--and on your successes in judgment.  There must be areas of your life, and incidents in your life, in which you did and do make accurate judgments.  Revisiting these, and not just to enumerate them, but to analyze them for the thought processes you employed, the reasoning behind, your conclusions, might remind you that even as you were being deceived at home adn since your divorce you were able to make good judgments and evaluate events and people and probabilities well. 

Hope this was helpful to you.  Good luck in this new relationship and with your healing.



  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 5, 2025 1:51 pm)

Look I'm really sorry to do this to you but have you considered the possibility that your instinct is going off because your new boyfriend is gay in denial too?

Maybe see if you can see what it is that triggers you into doubting him.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Str8Mom wrote:

I'm in my 40s. After separating from my ex I had zero libido and zero desire for anyone else. I honestly felt like I could go the rest of my life alone.....

Well there you go. I felt exactly like you. Zero libido. Zero desire. But, because of a zillion reasons, I got to a point where I knew I didn't need a man/woman r'ship to justify where I am in the world before some dude appeared in front of me and swept me off my vulnerable feet. If it ever happens....great but I don't think it ever will.

E
 

 
Yes....I was honestly just numb and not feeling any type of romantic feelings, zero libido....i LOVED having my own bedroom (still do!!!) I can take care of myself and my kids just fine, without financial support from their dad, I don't need a partner for financial reasons. To some degree, I almost miss the numb feeling.  Life settled a little easier when I wasn't feeling. 

But he came into my life and God does he make my heart burst with love. I honestly didn't think I could love again, and here I am feeling like a teenager with him.  I crave his touch, his attention, his time, his companionship, his heart.  He had such a good heart.  Everything. He usually has this ability to just calm everything within me.  But lately it isn't working as well as my fears seem to be getting bigger.  Now that I'm thinking so much about it, I wonder if my fears are getting much bigger bc we are planning on living together soon.. so it's a big step, it's scary.  It involves another big change for my kids and if it doesn't work out then I've allowed my kids to get attached to someone just to lose them.

I'm going to end this here bc I'm falling asleep... but thank you as well for your response!

Hi Str8Mom - first, I am happy to hear you have found someone, that is amazing. 

Second, I am a male, coming away from a lesbian ex spouse after 23 years together. I recall the self doubt. You doubt your discernment. Normal. I dated a bit, then told my therapist I was out of the game", only to be dating someone unexpectedly. That was 2.5 years ago. We are engaged now. I had and still, although rare, have those doubting thoughts. In addition to the above advice, I openly share with my current fiancé. She understands and always provides reassurance when I need it. Will she do that forever? Yes, I think she will. Why? Because she cares more about how I feel than the time it takes to reassure me. 

you see, I learned through years of neglect, gaslighting and downright mental abuse, my feelings, desires, wants didn't matter. But they do! Someone who loves you for you will do what is needed. 

I trust myself, because I was able to look back and see what role I played in my previous relationship. There were red flags from day one. I didn't have enough confidence in myself and ignored by body until my health was beginning to fail, 23 years later. Now, I am at peace, have no need for anti-depressants, and life, although challenging, is amazing. Not simply because I am away from her, but because I like me. That wasnt true before. Once you truly like/love yourself, TRUST comes with it, because you would never tolerate bad behavior against someone you love. That was the changing point for me. 

No one wants to be hurt again, but to truly love someone I believe it is essential. There will always be a chance of hurt, but that is life. I'm rooting for you!