My husband disclosed his gender dysphoric thoughts to me 2.5 years ago and 5 years into our marriage. I say "thoughts" because it was initially introduced to me as a fetish and a means to bring us closer. He has always wanted more attention/affection from me and attributed his gender dysphoria to being extremely lonely in our marriage. Our love languages are very different and I definitely did not realize how much so until after we were married. So at the time of disclosure, we had a 6 month old and 4 year old. Over the course of the year, I asked more questions and learned that he had been dressing up privately as a teenager and these feelings were not new, but he had suppressed them successfully for 15 years and did not believe they would reoccur...therefore, I didn't need to know this information pre-wedding. And over the course of this year, he came to realize that transitioning was very appealing to him. I was forthcoming that I did NOT want to be married to a trans woman and he was absolutely panicked that he had destroyed our marriage. To this day, he desperately still wants to stay together as wives....aka to have his cake and eat it too.

So after a little over a year of him trying to find peace as a man, things were looking pretty bleak and there was zero romance...with the exception of one day...which lead to the most shocking pregnancy of all time (I was on the pill). With a third on the way, the transitioning conversation took somewhat of a backseat, but still continued to haunt our marriage. We moved into a larger house with an unfinished basement that could become an apartment and within a month of giving birth, the transitioning conversations began again and this time were a lot more divorce oriented. Things were very ugly and tense.

There are a few factors that make this situation extra difficult:
1) We both come from very conservative families who already have expressed that this will be a huge issue for them to expose to their children. And my parents will never be able to bite their tongue and normalize this for their grandchildren. In a nutshell, our relationships with family on both sides will be VERY strained if he transitions and regardless of whether or not we stay together.

2) I am a stay at home mom with no money to my name and my background is working in the non-profit field....aka very low salary. My husband is a very successful doctor. With less than 10 years of marriage under our belt, I am looking at very little financial support.

3) My husband is a very driven, academic person....but managing children is not his strong suit. He has lost track of our kids on several occasions and didn't even realize they were missing. His parental judgment has always been off and I do not trust him to single-handedly maintain a safe home and life for my kids. I do not see splitting custody as an option right now with a baby, a toddler, and kindergartener. But having already met with a divorce attorney, I am aware that it's very unlikely I would be able to get full custody. The thought of having to share custody of my kids is like a dagger to my heart. I am still breastfeeding my 8 month old.

Last night, after 2.5 years, he shared that he is ready to totally give up on my ability to be the partner he needs (as a man) as I've promised  and since no one is invested in his well being, he feels that transitioning is what he must do to "take care of himself." And yes, I have made promises time after time that I would better deliver on creating emotional intimacy between us....but between 3 kids and feeling COMPLETELY deceived, it's very hard for me to feel good about us. But on the other hand, I'm desperate for my family to stay together and for my kids to not be the product of divorce. Despite everything, I still love my husband and want him to continue to be my husband. He wants to transition and stay together and will accept a non-romantic relationship for the sake of our kids.

Factors worth noting:

1) He presented himself as an extremely conservative, hyper masculine guy . Never in a million years did I think he would entertain transitioning, even with gender dysphoria.
2) Aside from withholding this major piece of information, he has been an extremely loyal, dedicated partner who is very invested in our relationship.
3) He has been seeing a therapist for years, but having met him several times, I think he is too old to be practicing and isn't remotely helping. This guy has no kids and was divorced himself. We've also done couples counseling, but I am also not convinced that our therapist was helping us make headway (whatever that would look like).
4) I would give my right arm away to save my children from the impact of a transition on their lives.
5) At the very least, I would like him to delay a transition so our kids could be more independent in a shared custody scenario.
6) Cohabitating is on the table, but I'm skeptical that I can emotionally handle watching my husband transition. AND it will very much complicate my relationship with my family who I am very close to.

To sum it up, I feel incredibly trapped and still surprised after 2.5 years that my husband would ACTUALLY take on a transition knowing the cost to our family. I may be absolutely crazy, but I'm still holding on to a small ounce of hope that he will come to his senses and realize that it's not the right timing to pursue a transition or even better, that it's not compatible with the life he has created and supposedly wants.

Has ANYONE's partner delayed or dropped a possible transition because it just wasn't in the cards? Any and all support/ideas/thoughts are welcome too outside of this question. I'm SO tired of pretending to be okay out in the world and don't know how much longer we can go on like this.

Last edited by Momof3-Transwidow (February 26, 2025 2:55 pm)