General Discussion » Covid19/Coronavirus » April 20, 2020 1:52 pm |
OutofHisCloset wrote:
How is everyone doing?
I'm doing okay. I am fortunate to have a job where I can continue to work in these crazy times but the isolation is getting to me.
OutofHisCloset wrote:
But Saturday evening and yesterday were down hard times for me. I was reading an emotionally intense book on Saturday early evening and was overcome with physical longing for touch, for sexual touch, for partnership, and I felt lonely and alone, as if I deserved to be both, and angry, too. Angry at myself for putting so much effort into a dead end marriage, so that I must face this challenge--as with every challenge--alone. Angry that so much of my attention and effort were for so long focused on my always-emotionally needy ex that my friend network is not deeper and more varied. Angry at him for so long deceiving me, and for so long blaming me for what was not my fault, to the point I internalized his criticism, and, as a result, last night found myself thinking that I was alone because I deserved to be alone. A true dark night of the soul.
Today I have regained my equilibrium and my perspective, thankfully.
I am so grateful to hear that you are doing better and were able to find your center again!
When things went south in my marriage I was resolved to being alone for the rest of my life. I knew that being alone would be far better than living the crazy circus that is TGT. I knew that being out of a toxic relationship was far better than staying in one. In the end, my depression got much better once I moved on.
I was learning how to be happy with myself. After all, happiness is an inside job. There isn't anybody who was put on this planet who's job it is to make me happy -- that is something that only I can do myself.
As I was starting to have success with this process of self actualization and re-establishing my own individual identity after a decades long failed marriage, something weird happened. When I was least expecting it
Is He/She Gay » My stupid plan » April 18, 2020 6:47 pm |
Trance90 wrote:
Since I found my wife’s texts with her new friend saying she needs to have sex with her to see if this gay thing is for her. She has no idea I know about this or even her friend. I am going to let this play out between them so then I will have an idea if this is an experiment or for real. Each night I have to stay up longer than her to get her phone so I know where in this damn farce I am. Waiting for her tell me to visit my friend for the weekend so I will be out of the way. What shit this is.
There are things for which you cannot unsee after you have seen them. These things can haunt you. Be careful in this process. I pulled down the text messages my wife exchanged and e-mail threads and when I think about it now, I wish I would not have read through all that. Each one was like another knife stabbing me in my soul and caused me more pain and suffering than I needed to endure. Once I knew that she had betrayed me I truly didn't need to know any more. No amount of additional detail made me feel any better. On the contrary, it reinforced the sense of betrayal and brought to light the incessant lying and deceit that she took part in day after day, month after month. I learned that all through our marriage counseling she was still seeing her lover and not trying to reconcile at all. She was just biding her time until I would end things on my own.
I would agree with the others who suggest that you talk to her and say that you know things are off and ask what is going on. The level of honesty and transparency that she demonstrates will be a good litmus test for how things are going to proceed.
Knowing what you already know, what are your thoughts on how you would like to proceed?
Do you trust her?
Do you want to be with her if she is secretly trying to have sexual relationships with women?
Would you feel any different if you knew that she was trying to have sexual relationships with men?
Support » Husband of 13 years has come out as gay Looking for Support » April 18, 2020 6:39 pm |
Mandi2020 wrote:
Hi everyone, I’m brand new, and looking for some support. I’m not sure if this is the right place, but I’m hoping someone may have an idea of where to send me if it’s not.
This is definitely the right place. Everyone on here has been through something similar. A great starting place is the First Aid Kit in the General Discussion forum on this site.
Mandi2020 wrote:
I’m in a unique, or unique for me situation. My husband who I’ve been with for 13 years, 2 kids, came out to me last July, that he thinks he might be gay, or at the very least bi-sexual. When he told me, it made a lot of sense. I’ve always been a really open-minded individual, so to me, this was just another part of him for us to celebrate. But I do feel really alone in that I can’t really talk to anyone because this is his journey… and we need to do it at his pace.
When these things happen, we often look in the rear view mirror and in hindsight we can see so many telling signs along the way. At the time we were able to overlook them, or made excuses for them, or simply convinced ourselves that we must be crazy, that this couldn't possible be.
You have to ask yourself is this what you want in your life? If you would have known that he was bi-sexual or gay when you were dating, would that have been a deal breaker for you? When they change their story years into a marriage, it is like re-writing the terms of a contract after the fact. That makes the original contract null and void in my book.
Mandi2020 wrote:
He's not a big talker... and for him he wants to pretend like he never said anything, but it's really just because he's scared to loose me and our family... which isn't going to happen It may change, and be different, but the love is all still there.
[color=#777777]Is the love that he feels for you a romantic love for a spouse or does he have a mor
…Support » Wife has come out as Bi / Lesbian - Straight Husband wants help » April 18, 2020 6:27 pm |
TellMeIamOK wrote:
My wife has come out to me in couples therapy as bi.
We’ve been married 12 years.
We’ve had up’s and downs.
We have kids.
She has evidently had these feelings for quite some time.
I am so sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation.
You say that your wife has come out as bi-sexual. Has she acted on these feelings?
TellMeIamOK wrote:
Not sure how to negotiate this.... confused ... angry... scared... anxious.
What should I be doing right now?
You are doing exactly what you should be doing. Gathering information, evaluating your relationship and determining what you want and need in a relationship with a spouse and figure out if your wife is capable of fulfilling those needs for you.
What brought about her realization that she is bi-sexual? Is there someone new in her life that brings these feelings to the surface for her?
A couple of questions you have to ask yourself -- has she been faithful to you? If not, are you okay with that?
Would it be different if she told you she had feelings for another man instead of feelings for a woman?
Are you interested in an open relationship where you stay married and she is free to have relationships with other women?
Does she feel sexually attracted to you?
Does she still love you romantically?
Or is her love for you more like the love of a friend or relative?
If she doesn't love you romantically, can you live without that kind of love in your life? Can you live with her as a roommate for the rest of your life while she forms romantic or even just sexual relationships with other women?
TellMeIamOK wrote:
I have online appointment with our couples therapist coming up
As she does. It will concern discernment process and whether to move forward.
I don’t know which way is up.
On the up side, at least she has admitted to you that she feels she is bi-sexual. Many spouses choose to stay in the closet of denial. You at least know what you are potentially up against.
Is He/She Gay » I'm lost and don't know what to do or think. » April 7, 2020 12:39 am |
Karis wrote:
This is all very new to me and I’m terrified about even writing on this board. I have been married for 22 years. We have two children. They are age 19 and 16. I can’t even believe that I am writing on a board like this but I need help. I need guidance. I don’t know why I’m here. Here goes:
Welcome Karis! I am so sorry that you have had to come to this site but know that there are good people here who have had to go through similar experiences and are here to help.
Karis wrote:
My husband is very religious. He used to be a pastor. His Dad was a pastor and so was his Dad. My husband’s father is very narcissistic and selfish. Everything is always about him and the family has always catered to his wishes. I feel like my husband was always seeking to gain his father’s approval.
…
My husband and I met in college. I have my own issues with my father and with men in general. I’ve always been a bit frightened by them. I was scared of my own father because he would often lose his temper around us. My husband, we’ll call him C was very unassuming and gentle. I was a virgin when we married. My husband had had sex with one other girl (who he was engaged with at the time but it didn’t work out). This was mainly because of religious beliefs about sex before marriage. My husband and I had make out sessions before we were married and everything seemed normal. Things changed after we were married. This is something that even he will admit to. He says that I wasn’t interested in sex anymore, but the truth is, sex wasn’t what I thought it would be, but how was I to know what is normal or what isn’t when I’ve never had sex before. On our wedding night, I was so happy that we didn’t have to hide our bodies anymore. That we could finally be free with showing ourselves to one another without guilt. I remember the night of our wedding, taking my top off and dancing around and showing him my breasts. His response was, “Oh my gosh, is nothin
General Discussion » Straight husband being told that his wife is bi/gay - Please help. » April 6, 2020 12:07 pm |
Adam wrote:
To date, I have what I would call the 'perfect' marriage. We have traveled the world, never fought, do everything together, and are best friends. We have been together for 5 years and married just over 1.5 years.
My story starts out the exact same, just change the timeframe to several decades...
Adam wrote:
Without the back story of how I found out, my wife has admitted that she has been exploring her feelings towards another female. They closely work together, as this person is a doctor above her. My wife and her friend started out just as friends and then discovered that they feel something more that they want to explore. In the short time that they have known each other, they have been intimate with each other and are using the word of love.
Your wife has cheated on you and broken the vows of your marriage.
Would your feelings about this be different if the person she was sleeping with was a man? If her boss was a man and the two of them were having an intimate relationship, would you be as willing to sit by the wayside and wait for your wife to choose between the two of you?
Adam wrote:
Talking to my wife, she wishes that this never happened for what it has caused between us, but she is not willing to stop this due to the fact that she does not understand what she truly desires. She is in query. She is horribly scared to potentially lose me as her best friend but doesn't want to hold on, only to figure out down the road that she is bisexual/lesbian.
My wife's apology consisted of "I'm sorry that you were hurt because I chose to have an affair." She wasn't apologetic about the affair, she didn't acknowledge that what she did was wrong, she just said that she was sorry my feelings were hurt. She didn't think that I would have gone along with her being allowed to sleep with other people, so in the age old "it's easier to ask
…Support » New here, New situation » March 30, 2020 7:08 pm |
Straight wife k wrote:
Hi all, my husband (wife? The thought makes me ill) came out as transgender a month or so ago. I haven't decided what I'm doing yet. We have 2 small children (1 and 2) so I want what's best for them. I'll admit there's also a part of me that welcomes the excuse to get out.
Listen to your instincts. What he has done is changed the fundamentals of your relationship after the fact. If he were transgender when you met, would you have been romantically interested in him? I'm guessing this would have been a deal breaker.
To use a business analogy, you can't change the terms of the contract after the contract has been signed. He sold you one bill of goods (the masculine version of himself) and then, in the classic bait and switch, he sprung the other bill of good on you (the transgender version of himself.) That change essentially nullifies your original contract. What he has delivered to you now, is completely different from what he sold you up front.
This was the thing that helped me break out of the mindset of "I have to do ANYTHING to save my marriage because my wedding vows said 'for better or worse' and 'til death do us part.' Those vows were sacred to me. Those vows come with the presumption that both parties are acting in good faith and honesty. Holding nothing back. Sharing everything with the other spouse. Hiding a secret like this... well, like in the business contract analogy, nullifies the agreement. This would have been a deal breaker up front had he disclosed this to you when courting you.
Straight wife k wrote:
I stood with them through a lot. Including jail. I feel like I can let this be the last straw. But I don't know. Sometimes the old them is still there. But then they spend a whole day parodying (my feelings) their version of a perverse hyper femininity while I'm on the couch unshowered breastfeeding a needy toddler for hours.. I'm really not making clear thoughts or expressing myself well but I wanted to introduce my
…
Support » Completely devastated » March 26, 2020 4:41 pm |
katkan02 wrote:
Hi All, not sure how I stumbled upon this site but am glad I did. Sitting here with tears streaming down my cheeks, not even sure what I want to write.
I am sorry to hear about your situation. Nobody wants to belong to this club! Know that you are not alone and that we are all here to help you through this most difficult time.
katkan02 wrote:
But I feel a little comfort when I read posts from other women in the same position as me, who are telling their story as though it were my own.
Knowing that there are others out there who have or are experiencing the exact same thing as you certainly helps. You can come here and find sympathetic listeners and get advice from people who are farther along in this process than yourself. I know it was huge for me to find people who understood because I just didn't have anyone with whom I could share the craziness of my life with locally.
When I read some of the stories I felt like I could just change the names and it sounded exactly like my own.
katkan02 wrote:
We are both 55 years old..how do I start again? There's a lot going on in my head. I have this coworkers phone number and wondering whether to call and confront him? should I call his wife? I now have to start plan to leave, which is so hard to do when this is not something you ever prepared for. Lord please take this burden of me, please.
You are already on your way. You know that he has been unfaithful to you with another man and you know that you deserve better than that! Without trust in a relationship, you can't have a successful relationship. You also have to take care of yourself -- who knows what sort of dangers he could be exposing you too because of his risky behavior?
We are here for you. Reach out to the members of this site and you have a community of caring people who will be there for you. You can get through this and things can and will get better for you!
General Discussion » Accepting Straight Male That Enjoys Sex with Men » March 24, 2020 1:02 pm |
Brooklyn66 wrote:
Has anyone actually accepted that their husband may want to live a completely heterosexual life, enjoy sex with women, want to be married to women, attracted to women, but enjoys male sex? My husband has been seeing the same man 3-4 times a year for years and I just found out. He swears it was purely physical. He cut all contact. Blocked the number. Etc. He says he's straight but has these bedroom kinks. Am I being duped? Has anyone believed this and moved on successfully?
When one partner wants to "live a heterosexual lifestyle" but secretly have homosexual affairs, that person is using their spouse for their cover story.
A man who enjoys sex with other men is either bi-sexual or gay. There is no such thing as a heterosexual male that enjoys sex with other men. A heterosexual male simply couldn't do that. I'm a straight male and I can tell you that there is no way I could "enjoy" sex with another man. There is no physical attraction that I would feel toward another man. There would be no sexual arousal, and actually, quite the contrary, it would totally gross me out.
Yes, you are being duped. He is buying time. He is telling you the things that he thinks you want to hear in hopes that you will stick around and maintain his cover story.
This will not get better. This is not a phase or a simple quirk. This is your husband telling you he is at least bi-sexual if not full on homosexual.
Can you trust that in the future he will not take on male lovers without you knowing? He will be clever to hide it. Knowing that you would have suspicions, he will go to great lengths to deceive you. He will create opportunities and situations for which you could not possibly catch him and that extra adrenaline rush will make it even more appealing to him. I hate to say it, but this is a man for whom you will not be able to fully trust again.
You deserve better than this! You do not need to settle for someone who uses you for a cover story. You do not ne
General Discussion » The Shock, The Pain, and The Reality » March 2, 2020 11:31 pm |
I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Nobody should ever be subjected to such a thing but here we are.
It will get better. You will heal, you will grow, and you will be able to move on with your life.
These feelings were most likely hidden for a very long time and then something triggers them and they start to come to the surface. The cravings she was feeling were so strong and powerful she could think of nothing else but that immediate gratification. There was no sense of consequence for her actions. Her normal character was nowhere to be found -- the core values and beliefs that she had used as guiding principles of her life were nowhere to be seen. She utilized every tool in the belt -- betrayal, incessant lying, deceit. How could I write that and be so spot on? That was my story too... only difference was my wife had an affair with a man to prove to herself and me that she isn't gay. (I'm not buying it)
Once the trust is gone in a marriage it is extremely difficult to bring it back. It is a long, arduous process, and the person who broke the trust has to be 100% committed to re-establishing trust for you to have a snowball's prayer in hell of it working. My wife flat out told me she wasn't interested in putting in the effort because she didn't feel that the value of our relationship would be worth her time or trouble. That made the decision for us. She wouldn't say the words, so I had to say "I want a divorce" and we proceeded down that path.
Fast forward 3 months... she has moved out and got an apartment of her own. I have been stuck doing all the legwork for the divorce. She said "I'm happy to stay separated indefinitely" but that doesn't work for me. If we aren't married, then we better be divorced. So I'm left holding the bag to handle all the logistics of divorce. I am getting near the end of that process and may be filing the paperwork next week.
Once she moved out of the house, our entire family experienced a huge sigh of relief! My children said