I am so sorry to hear of your situation. Nobody should ever be subjected to such a thing but here we are.

It will get better. You will heal, you will grow, and you will be able to move on with your life.

These feelings were most likely hidden for a very long time and then something triggers them and they start to come to the surface. The cravings she was feeling were so strong and powerful she could think of nothing else but that immediate gratification. There was no sense of consequence for her actions. Her normal character was nowhere to be found -- the core values and beliefs that she had used as guiding principles of her life were nowhere to be seen. She utilized every tool in the belt -- betrayal, incessant lying, deceit. How could I write that and be so spot on? That was my story too... only difference was my wife had an affair with a man to prove to herself and me that she isn't gay. (I'm not buying it)

Once the trust is gone in a marriage it is extremely difficult to bring it back. It is a long, arduous process, and the person who broke the trust has to be 100% committed to re-establishing trust for you to have a snowball's prayer in hell of it working. My wife flat out told me she wasn't interested in putting in the effort because she didn't feel that the value of our relationship would be worth her time or trouble. That made the decision for us. She wouldn't say the words, so I had to say "I want a divorce" and we proceeded down that path.

Fast forward 3 months... she has moved out and got an apartment of her own. I have been stuck doing all the legwork for the divorce. She said "I'm happy to stay separated indefinitely" but that doesn't work for me. If we aren't married, then we better be divorced. So I'm left holding the bag to handle all the logistics of divorce. I am getting near the end of that process and may be filing the paperwork next week.

Once she moved out of the house, our entire family experienced a huge sigh of relief! My children said that they felt happier with mom out of the house and I found myself to be much happier. I felt like I had been walking on eggshells for years if not decades. I had suffered from major depressive disorder for decades and now I no longer have any symptoms of it at all! I am no longer taking any anti-depressant medication and my doctor said that I am truly cured!

To top it all off, I met an incredible lady who has totally transformed my life! She validates me as a human being. She appreciates all the things in my that my wife took for granted for decades. She makes me feel human again and I've never felt so alive in years!

There is hope at the end of this long dark tunnel. It will take some time to find yourself again, to re-establish your individual identity after years of sharing a couple's identity. Take care of yourself -- eat healthy, exercise, take up some new hobbies, spend time with friends. Be the best version of you that you can be every day!

You can and will get through all this. The pain subsides. Let go of the things that are outside of your control. Know that none of this is on you -- this is all on her. She deceived you all these years. She knew about the feelings she had but chose to try and hide them from you. You ended up in this marriage without all her cards on the table. Once she pulled them out, she voided that marital contract once and for all.

Hi CLM,

Yes, very painful.  so sorry you are going through it, it is devastating.  The betrayal goes so deep, it is more than marital infidelity, it changes your past as well as your present because it makes you realise the person you loved never was that person you thought they were.  That's what's so horrible, to recognise the person you were trusting the most is playing you - hurts like hell but oh man, it gets better on the other side.  There is liberation as well.  

It still leaves a legacy of the consequences that you must face every day and so when you talk about high blood pressure that is not something you can ignore.  My blood pressure normalised very quickly as I moved on with the separation.  Looking after your children definitely includes looking after yourself.

Wishing you all the best, Lily

(Hi Davin, great to hear things are going so well)

 

CLM,
".. It’s a very devastating feeling, one i don’t wish anyone to experience..."

So sorry.   Thats one of the reasons I post here...I would not wish this on anyone.     The discard and rejection both physical and emotional  is devastating and makes one feel worthless.   But I/we want you to know its not true..  not true in the least.   We are worth so much more than these spouses...  We are worth more than they're intellect,  morals or minds can ever comprehend.     

Build your support system.  Those kinds needs a strong moral dad who puts them first and does not hurt them.

How is it going now?