okay so there you are on the savannah and there's herds of different kinds of animals all in their groupings and a giraffe comes up to you and stretching down his long neck he gently enquires do you know what group I'm in?  ah, see the giraffes over there - you're one of them.  Oh are you sure he replies, they are so tall with those beautiful long necks they can eat the leaves off the top of the tree whereas here I am down with you.

We all come here talking about our best friend, with this feeling that it's a bit special, the perfect marriage we thought we had, except..

And we share in common the fact that we have come here looking for answers.  

Why isn't our best friend/perfect spouse able to give them?  Good question isn't it.  It took me a while but I got my answer - inherently he wasn't interested in giving me answers, and anyway he was too intent on stringing me along.  That's what his conversation was about.

And oh one way or another we're all feeling this constriction not to talk about it with other people.

I was quite surprised at how strong my response was when I finally did talk about it - I confided in a friend.  It was very grounding, a real feeling of relief to have it out in the open air and she gave me a spontaneous hug of sympathy.  If you have a family member you can talk about it with that's probably the best.  I also went to the doctor and got a referral for counselling - every person I talked to, it helped me, and I hadn't even realised until I was spilling the beans, that I had been keeping a secret for him.

I don't see why you should give her time to figure this out - what is there for her to figure out?   maybe her interest is in figuring out how to have her perfect marriage and keep her girlfriend in tow.  

sorry.  

Hurts a lot doesn't it.  Are you sure you want her to choose you?  

You want a woman to choose you because she's totally smitten, you're so handsome, don't you?

 

Hi Adam,

You have a couple of threads going but will answer here. I am sorry you are going through this.

She is cheating on you. She can stop but she doesn’t want to.  That’s an excuse to keep the relationship going with her boss and stops you from taking the normal action - separation or honest talk & counseling to save the marriage. The latter would force her to leave her lover.  I don’t mean to hurt you, but it sounds like you’re being played.

She does not sound mature enough for a stable partnership. She is willingly having sex with her boss and risking her job in addition to the cheating and possibly stringing you along as she decides to leave or stay. She sounds impulsive, controlling & self-centered.  She’s blaming everyone but herself for her actions. That’s drama/trouble for you.  Then she is making you responsible for keeping her bad behavior a secret as you suffer in silence. 

Sorry to Abby in another thread, but I had a different reaction to a female boss. She made a play for me when I was in my early 20s. I had no attraction/interest and politely declined. I’ve had a few female gay coworkers express interest in me.  I had no interest and declined.  The ick factor came up with these women. My romantic & sexual interests are for men only. 

I would strongly suggest you seek counseling for yourself. Don’t include your wife. It will help clear your mind and may throw another light on your wife’s behavior.

Last edited by MJM017 (March 18, 2020 11:46 pm)

I drift in and out of here, but I do want to share my experience. I discovered that my ex-wife was having an affair with the mother of one of my older daughter’s best friends.  At the suggestion of one of the members of this board, I wrote to The Chump Lady, who writes an outstanding blog about infidelity.  My letter and her spot-on response appear here:  https://www.chumplady.com/2019/06/dear-chump-lady-my-wife-cheated-with-a-woman/

My story worked out like this after that letter.  I separated from my wife in August 2019, filed for divorce in August 2019.  It was one of the best decisions of my life.  My ex has proven to be an intensely selfish and myopically self-centered person.  I am divorced, the divorce went well for me.  I have an offer pending on a new house, and I look forward to starting a new life with my kids.  Additionally, I attended a meeting of the SSN and met a beautiful fellow straight spouse, and eight months later, I'm madly in love and I'm realizing what I missed out on during my 15 year marriage to a nascent lesbian.

A better life awaits you.  "Your person" should love you unconditionally and not be conflicted about their feelings for someone else, much less conflicted about whether they are even atttracted to someone of your gender.  Have courage.  You can do this.

Last edited by Blue Bear (April 5, 2020 9:38 pm)

Adam wrote:

To date, I have what I would call the 'perfect' marriage.  We have traveled the world, never fought, do everything together, and are best friends. We have been together for 5 years and married just over 1.5 years.

My story starts out the exact same, just change the timeframe to several decades...

Adam wrote:

Without the back story of how I found out, my wife has admitted that she has been exploring her feelings towards another female.  They closely work together, as this person is a doctor above her.  My wife and her friend started out just as friends and then discovered that they feel something more that they want to explore.  In the short time that they have known each other, they have been intimate with each other and are using the word of love.

Your wife has cheated on you and broken the vows of your marriage.

Would your feelings about this be different if the person she was sleeping with was a man? If her boss was a man and the two of them were having an intimate relationship, would you be as willing to sit by the wayside and wait for your wife to choose between the two of you?

Adam wrote:

Talking to my wife, she wishes that this never happened for what it has caused between us, but she is not willing to stop this due to the fact that she does not understand what she truly desires.  She is in query.  She is horribly scared to potentially lose me as her best friend but doesn't want to hold on, only to figure out down the road that she is bisexual/lesbian.

My wife's apology consisted of "I'm sorry that you were hurt because I chose to have an affair." She wasn't apologetic about the affair, she didn't acknowledge that what she did was wrong, she just said that she was sorry my feelings were hurt. She didn't think that I would have gone along with her being allowed to sleep with other people, so in the age old "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission" she chose to step out on me and cheat. Then the lies kicked in. Lies about everything. Lies about things that didn't matter.

She said that the affair was all about the adrenaline rush. She said she was addicted to it. The cat and mouse games, seeing how far she could push things without getting caught brought a sense of exhilaration to her. Sending pictures of her and I together to her lover and writing notes how everything would be perfect if I was somehow out of the picture...

Adam wrote:

I am left to my own demise and trapped in my own mind for the following reasons:
1)  She truly does not know what she wants (me or her) and I have told her that I will give her time to figure this out.
2)  If she does choose her, my wife is worried that her future job could be compromised if people were to figure out that she was in a relationship with someone above her...saying this...I love her so much that I do not want to risk the IMMENSE effort she has put into her career and jeopardize her future...I have told her that I will not expose the truth, which means that I cannot talk to my closest friends everything that is going on.
3) I do realize that this is new and exciting for my wife.  This is a scary part of any relationship because the feelings of infatuation often fade out reasoning. 

I want my wife to choose me.  Am I wrong for giving her time to figure this out? I don't even know how much time this could ever take. 

1. She had to have known at some point that she had attraction to other women. Highly unlikely that this started at this point in her life due to precisely one person who just happens to be her supervisor. She may have hoped that those feelings would subside or that she could somehow replace them with feelings for you that she could maybe develop over time...

2. "When you make your bed, you have to lie in it." There will almost certainly be repercussions for their actions. During these times of exploration everything is about the here and now and there is no thought about consequences for their actions. My wife thought nothing about me and our marriage or our even our children, the only thing that mattered to her was the thrill and excitement of this new relationship.

3. The "honeymoon phase" will fade out over time. A new resident may come along and attract the attention of her lover and she may find herself on the outside looking in. By that point you will certainly have moved on with life, and she will have to pick up the pieces and figure out who she really is and what she really wants in life.

I understand that you really want your wife to choose you. At this point, you have to realize, she has already made a decision that is NOT you. If you were her choice, she would not have had an affair with someone outside your marriage. She already CHOSE to pursue a relationship with someone other than you. If she later comes back and says "Oopsie! I guess I'm not actually a lesbian after all... want to take me back?" run, don't walk away from her! If she is on the fence over coming out or not, you will represent the cover story that can give her a "normal" life but inside her physical desires will not change. She can't fake attraction to you. She can't fake the things that excite her. She can pretend all she wants but in the end you will just both be miserable. Don't waste decades of your life figuring thing all out!

You deserve better! You deserve to be loved by your wife the same way (romantically) you love her. Don't settle for being loved "as a friend" or agreeing to a friends-with-benefits relationship. I spent more than two decades living as roommates with my wife and it was miserable for both of us. She "pretended" to be the married wife but it was killing her inside. Life is too short, my friend, to live in a relationship that cannot work. Let her go, give her the freedom to find herself and figure out who and what she is all about. Take the opportunity for yourself to find what is important to you and never settle for anything less than what you truly deserve!
 

Blue Bear,
   Chump Lady helped save mine!  Chump Nation passes it on.
   A virtual toast!  Salud!