This subject really helps me today. I am one year post divorce and have kids with my gay ex. I am in an amicable relationship now with him and co parenting well. Lately though ive been so lonely and find myself missing him more and more. I feel this anxiety and fear of being alone for the rest of my life once the kids are grown and have lives of their own. It terrifies me. Im not dating because im not ready. I know i have to work on myself and fill my life with something else before i start begging him to come back and experience the agony and pain of tgt all ovet again. Thank you for starting this thread.

Its been eleven months since my divorce and I have had ups and downs and I am still on an emotional roller coaster most days. Background on me I found this site when I was still on the fence about the divorce and the advice and wisdom here helped me gather the strength to walk away. I am 41 years old, 17 years married and have three kids. 17 years of numerous discoveries of craigslist hook ups, gay porn, and finally a secret phone that had explicit images of him having sex with another man. 

I agree with Ellexoh that I have lost that sick feeling in my stomach always wondering who he's talking to, who was he emailing, what he was doing, what he was thinking. It was not easy, I spent nights crying and feeling that my world had ended. I loved him so much and it was really hard to let go. Then I went no contact for several months. I had a real angry phase when I would just lash out at him and I think that phase helped me go forward with the divorce. Now I think I am past the anger and on to acceptance that it has happened and I should not be imprisoned by hate because it was also doing bad things to me, it kept me tied to him. So I let go, we are in contact with regard to the kids and our encounters are now courteous and civil. I don't dwell in my anger anymore because it served its purpose for me it helped me do all the things needed to separate and divorce.

I am not strong always, I still get crying spells and do feel lonely when I see couples and intact families around me. But I have my kids with me and I just count my blessings that the awful sadness and feeling of loss that was prevalent for so long and the pain and heartbreak every time I discover another instance of cheating is gone. I am not the marriage police anymore. I have also discovered that I would not fall apart if I am alone. I have driven out of town with my kids whereas before I was even scared to drive to unfamiliar places even in town.

Thank you to everybody on this site for keeping the discuss

Hi Linda, I too am newly divorced and have the same fear that my ex would suddenly transform into an honest faithful man, get with a woman, marry her, and live a fabulous life. That fear he actually instilled in me as sort of a threat when i filed. Honestly it also filled me with anxiety and fear that I would miss out on all his fabuluousness. Why not give him another chance, right? On the flip side I thought would i really be able to live with him again knowing all the lies he did (giving blowjobs in public restrooms, having sex with other GID married men). Aside from the emotional abuse that gave me, the reality that he exposed me to STDs helped me stay strong in my decision to give up on our marriage. Our exes are gay Linda, they would always long for men. He just found another woman he could abuse. It helped me to go on this site and learn from other survivors. You could also go to www.chumplady.com to read about other people's experiences about cheating and the crazy making emotional cycles that we go through. I too struggle with the what ifs but could never forget what i've been through and swore i would never let anybody do that to me again. 

Jkpeace,

Just like you I spent Christmas eve, Christmas day and New Years eve with my now ex GID husband. After feeling depressed immediately after the divorce was finalized , I went through a gamut of emotions. For one I felt regret and fear, the second thoughts came back, did I do the right thing? Should I have given him a second chance? Was I too hasty? Then I stepped back and looked at how I came to this decision. He betrayed me numerous times, he lied and cheated and exposed me to STDs. He would never change his sexuality and I was just a convenient safe haven. I would only be postponing my pain. Then I felt free and at peace.

I felt a weight lift off me and along with it the righteous anger gave way to acceptance. These things have happened, I have enforced my boundary by divorcing him. The only thing we share now are the kids and it would be better to co-parent without animosity. I was planning to spend Christmas out of town with the kids but then I thought about it, there is no sense dividing the time with the kids. So instead I asked him to come to the house for Christmas eve dinner, he cooked and then Christmas day we went out with the kids. New year's eve he came and cooked dinner too and we just hung out. I'm glad I did that because by showing the kids that we can get along and be good parents to them I felt it took the tension and stress that was palpable before whenever i was with my ex.

I know this approach is not for everybody. But it is working for me. When I let go of the anger I felt less tense and less stressed. Anger propelled me to protect myself and seek divorce. It was a useful emotion after being depressed. But now with acceptance I feel more free. This is not to say everything has been perfect or will be perfect from here onwards. My guard is still up for whatever will happen. My ex did not transform into an angel, far from it.  But I am more hopeful everyday that I can make it, the kids will make it and we will be ok. This is the harde

jkpeace you really encapsulated what I feel about my STBX :

 I'm thinking that my anger may be from seeing my STBX looking like he was doing okay.  Honestly, I have no idea how he's really doing or what he's really doing.  When he doesn't look upset, I just think how unfair this is.  When he's sad or upset, it almost feels better, though I feel a bit selfish in saying that.

Forgiving someone for robbing 24+ years of my life is tough.  Sometimes I'm close to that forgiveness.  Sometimes, I'm not.

Whether he is kind and respectful or not, I still feel violated, when he comes into this house. Stupid rollercoaster ride is not over, yet, although I have days where I think it could be.

Our divorce will be final before the end of this month. I am no contact with him except on matters about the kids. It definitely helps because everytime I think of him I feel so angry because I think of all the cheating that he did. And he is still in denial about his sexuality to everybody else. The kids know that he is gay. 

I think I am a long way from forgiveness. I am near acceptance though that this has happened to me. I still want the karma bus to run him down though, lol.