I'll give you my update.  I am well past TGT, and completely healed, whole and healthy.  It's not even something that registers on my scale anymore - hasn't for years.  That being said, I still do have a life, and plenty is always going on with that, just like everyone else.

I had bariatric surgery almost a month ago (Lap-Band), and have already lost a good 15 lbs. I feel great!  So I'm eating much more healthfully, as is my family.  It's hard some days to figure out what dinner is when I'm so low carb and can't eat pasta, rice, bread, potatoes or grains.  So it's mostly meat and veggies.  But it's working.  This is a huge change for me, and it's empowering to take control of an area of my life that has caused me grief for so long.

The kids are doing well.  Talked yesterday to my younger son, who is a Jr. in H.S.  We're talking about future careers, college choices, doing SAT prep tests, him upping a few of his classes to honors classes, going on college visits, and him starting a rugby club at school.  Allll very new stuff for me considering my older son (20 now) barely graduated H.S. - and by barely, I mean we didn't know if he was going to graduate until the DAY BEFORE his graduation.  He's no better than he ever was.  He's been out of the house for 2.5 years now due to his emotional abuse getting physically dangerous to the younger kids and I.  He lives hand-to-mouth, and always considers himself homeless because he doesn't have his OWN place.  He still blames me for EVERYthing.  He stood on my front lawn several weeks back, yelling at me about everything wrong with his life, and how it's all my fault.  I did get upset - but then I was done with that shit in about a 1/2 hour.  I don't have life to waste on being sad and angry about stuff that isn't true.  I've learned that lesson well.  I worry about him, and none of my family has seen him since last Christmas, because in Jan. my daughter told us that when she was younger, he sexually molested her on several occasions.  So now he's blaming ME for him "losing his family".  He's contacted NO.ONE since then, and somehow expects that we need to stay home on some holidays so that he can go.  He doesn't understand just how DONE with him most of my family is - on their own.

My daughter is doing well.  It's her first year of H.S., and she's so much happier than she was in Jr. High.  She's doing well in school, she has good friends, even has a little boyfriend.  She seems to be enamored of me right now, which I know won't last, but I'm enjoying it.  I fully hated my mom at the age my daughter is at right now.  Lol.

Dh and I are experiencing our first Christmas in our new home.  It's been fun decorating the house inside and out - it's all new places for things, and different outdoor lights, etc.  This Christmas will be lean, but I think everyone is okay with that.  We adopted a new kitten a few months back, and she's adorable.  First cat I've ever had.  We have the black-and-white boarder collie, and now we have a black-and-white tuxedo cat.  They match.  And it's hilarious since I'm white and dh is black.  They are our only babies "together".  Ha ha.  The pets get along and like to play a lot.  I got the only cat on the freaking planet who loves water so much that she's constantly sneaking into the shower with everyone.  Kinda crazy, but cute-quirky.  Lol.

Looking forward to hearing about all of you!

Kel

Its been eleven months since my divorce and I have had ups and downs and I am still on an emotional roller coaster most days. Background on me I found this site when I was still on the fence about the divorce and the advice and wisdom here helped me gather the strength to walk away. I am 41 years old, 17 years married and have three kids. 17 years of numerous discoveries of craigslist hook ups, gay porn, and finally a secret phone that had explicit images of him having sex with another man. 

I agree with Ellexoh that I have lost that sick feeling in my stomach always wondering who he's talking to, who was he emailing, what he was doing, what he was thinking. It was not easy, I spent nights crying and feeling that my world had ended. I loved him so much and it was really hard to let go. Then I went no contact for several months. I had a real angry phase when I would just lash out at him and I think that phase helped me go forward with the divorce. Now I think I am past the anger and on to acceptance that it has happened and I should not be imprisoned by hate because it was also doing bad things to me, it kept me tied to him. So I let go, we are in contact with regard to the kids and our encounters are now courteous and civil. I don't dwell in my anger anymore because it served its purpose for me it helped me do all the things needed to separate and divorce.

I am not strong always, I still get crying spells and do feel lonely when I see couples and intact families around me. But I have my kids with me and I just count my blessings that the awful sadness and feeling of loss that was prevalent for so long and the pain and heartbreak every time I discover another instance of cheating is gone. I am not the marriage police anymore. I have also discovered that I would not fall apart if I am alone. I have driven out of town with my kids whereas before I was even scared to drive to unfamiliar places even in town.

Thank you to everybody on this site for keeping the discussions going. It helps a lot to know that you are not alone and your circumstance is not unique and that it is not you who must sacrifice always. That's what I learned from this forum to also consider myself and love myself. Thank you everybody. I still have a long way to go but I am more hopeful now than a year ago. 

I think sharing where we are now is a great idea.  I am still married and extremely undecided.  My husband now says he’s bisexual but wants monogamy.
He’s  in therapy as am I.  We do couples therapy once a month.  My husband has been sober for 8 months after nearly dying of liver disease in April.
I am feeling a bit better after a very serious battle  with depression over the past 6 months.  I am taking wellbutrin and have found that it helps calm down the anxiety and obsessive thoughts I was having.
I have certainly been struggling with extreme anger and sadness.  I trusted my husband completely and the level of betrayal has been staggering.
We separated for about 8 weeks and then came back together (as was previously agreed).  Yesterday was my 10 year anniversary.  It was hard.  He gave me a card thanking me for “The best ten years of his life”.  Not sure how the best ten years of his life can include drinking and cheating and going into massive debt,  but whatever.  I just let the day pass.  No card.  No gift.  I told him for Christmas I might shit in his stocking but that’s about it.
I hired a lawyer to draw up a post nuptial agreement protecting my money and 401K in the event of a divorce as well as protecting me from his credit card debt.
I am still on the fence.  But I am stronger than I was a month ago.  My family history has made me codependant and insecure and I also have anxiety and bulimia so this has been the fight of my life.
I don’t intend to lose.  I helped save my husband’s life when he was sick and now I will fight to save my own.  I’m not sure exactly what that means but I am figuring it out.

I am no longer experiencing the tyranny of the closet.  Instead of remaining isolated in my husband's closet keeping his secret I have been telling those close to me, family and friends, one by one, what has been going on in my life and in my marriage.  Each time I have done so I have felt as if I am taking my life and my self back.  I feel as if light has flooded into a previously dark and confining space.  I am now on the threshold of leaving my marriage; I am making plans and taking steps.  I saw a lawyer in September.  I have begun looking for a place to live.  I have inventoried my financial resources.  I have done some hard psychological work that has yielded good insight into some mental patterns that were making it too easy not to do the thing I need to do: to end my marriage of 35 years.  I have identified strategies that can help me overcome those patterns.  I am holding my feet to the fire by giving myself two deadlines, both non-negotiable: a "tell him" date, and the date we will no longer be living in the same place.  This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I am determined that it must be done for me to live a healthy life.  

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (October 6, 2019 4:51 am)