Hi Linda, I too am newly divorced and have the same fear that my ex would suddenly transform into an honest faithful man, get with a woman, marry her, and live a fabulous life. That fear he actually instilled in me as sort of a threat when i filed. Honestly it also filled me with anxiety and fear that I would miss out on all his fabuluousness. Why not give him another chance, right? On the flip side I thought would i really be able to live with him again knowing all the lies he did (giving blowjobs in public restrooms, having sex with other GID married men). Aside from the emotional abuse that gave me, the reality that he exposed me to STDs helped me stay strong in my decision to give up on our marriage. Our exes are gay Linda, they would always long for men. He just found another woman he could abuse. It helped me to go on this site and learn from other survivors. You could also go to www.chumplady.com to read about other people's experiences about cheating and the crazy making emotional cycles that we go through. I too struggle with the what ifs but could never forget what i've been through and swore i would never let anybody do that to me again. 

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Last edited by Duped (August 23, 2019 5:31 am)

Hi Linda.  Let me start my post with (a very loving) OH hell no! 

Step back and thank your lucky stars he's not with you anymore.  He's gay.  He's had gay sex.  He has lied.  He has met a stranger from Craig's list in a hotel.  And now he has found a new cover person.  I wonder...does this new person find it odd that he doesn't allow himself to have technology in the home?  Does she find it odd that he's only straight if the temptations of gay things on the computer aren't around?  Does she even know the issues he has with gay porn or that he has been with a man (of course she doesn't).

I'm sure everyone here gets tired of reading my same old story but if my awful outcome with a gay in denial man can help one person then I will repeat it until the day I die.  I ended up with herpes.  I find that very odd for someone whose ex "never cheated".  Wrong, I just never caught him.  But I sure did catch something else.  Unless you're prepared to jump back into a life of lies and STDs, stay where you are.  What you're seeing is a complete farce.  Go no contact immediately.  The only reason you know that "they have so much in common" is that he's TELLING you.  And how do you know they have "normal" sex??  Why is he telling you that?  As an old ex boyfriend once told me about his nimrod brother: believe half of what you see and none of what you hear. 

Please - take this as your official encouragement.  Give thanks that you got away.  I forgave and forgot time after time and all it got me was four extra years of crap and lies. Mine is still dating women and still pretending that he doesn't watch gay porn or have a stash of dildos.  I didn't go no contact because I know there is no way he can suck me back in.  Although there are definitely times when I feel nostalgic or I wish I had my old house back (i.e. the "things" and not him), I know that for me, having a little contact is ok because the thought of him grosses me out and there is zero chance I'll go back.  Until you get to that point, you have to remain no contact.  Later, if it ever all becomes water under the bridge, then and only then can you consider whether or not you ever want him in your life again as an acquaintance. 

Hang in there.  Read read read on this forum until you understand how horrible his lies are!  You have proof, you don't need more wasted time and an STD!  Trust me. 

Thank you all!! It is amazing how we can begin to justify in our minds that maybe it wasn't as bad at it seems and maybe he really isn't gay, just doing gay things.  As I look back, this is what I saw: going to department stores and heading straight to the men's underwear section (I realized later that though he loved his underwear (washed them by hand in the sink) he wanted to look at the hot guys on the packages! wearing a pair of my underwear outside while laying in the sun because it didn't give him "tan" lines; constantly criticizing gays (calling them fudge packers and other derogatory  names) but after confession of his gay habits I did not hear one bad comment come out of his mouth about gays for over two years and it was the last thing he texted me (she doesn't see me as a fag and you do). He works out, wears speedos which looks so so so gay on him!  His swimwear got shorter and shorter throughout the years and now at 56 years old wears tight speedos while he is doing his paddleboard workout on the lake where we live.  He is being laughed at.  He thinks he looks good!  he is tall and very very thin with long skinny legs.  He also began wearing short shorts while he does his daily walk with no shirt on!  We live in a neighborhood where we are all out and about during the summer being in a lake community. His mother made a comment to me after we were married saying: "Wow this is a relief!  We all thought he was gay"!!  So here I am 26 years later, almost 60 years old, and he is dating a 48 year old and said after only a couple of meetings that they both feel strongly for each other and marriage is in their near future.  My stomach feels sick.  I feel like I should change my name back to my maiden name as there will be a new woman in the family taking the same name!  I feel so sad but know there is nothing to do but to move forward. UGH this is truly worse than death.  Truly.