I've not been on here in quite a while, and have been doing pretty well on my own the last 2 or 3 years. Back on my feet emotionally and more or less back to my old self but my old self is now living a new normal. That's the best way I can put it.

I came home from the weekend to two empty messages on my answering machine, didn't think much of it. When I picked up my mail today, there was an invitation to my ex-wife's wedding. There was a short personal note from her simply saying she hoped I would attend but if not, she'd like to catch up sometime. When I checked the answering machine log I saw the two hang up calls were from her area code, so she obviously tried to call over the weekend but didn't want to leave a message. Knowing her, I am guessing she wanted to give me a heads-up about the invitation being on its way, but that's just my guess. It would be like her, even if she did it sort of backwards.

So the wedding is in early March, and it's not to the woman she left me for. That doesn't surprise me at all because at the time I thought there was no way that relationship was going to last. That's neither here nor there, other than I can say to myself, "I knew that wasn't going to work."  But I have no idea about the new one.

I'm curious if any of you have been invited to the wedding of your gex and did you go or not, and why or why not and how was it, and how long had it been since the break-up and anything else?  I'm trying to make up my mind simply because it was hard work for me to get to where I am now, and I don't want to "relapse" or slide backwards. Part of me wants to prove to myself that I can be an adult and do this, and part of me is wary about it. None of us is getting any younger and I don't want to go to my grave without some attempt to reconcile our past, and be as decent and gracious as I want to believe I am. I guess I am wondering how much it's going to hurt, or will it actually be affirming for me to be there.

I am curious to see her and

I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see a thread like this in these forums. I had almost given up on these forums as it seemed like the more I tried to stay positive and forward looking, the more I got slammed for it and I decided it was time to graduate from SSN - although I would still read the blog posts and articles. 

Anyway, here are things I've learned, or that I do, that have been positive steps:

1) Learn something new that engages your mind. I've been taking German lessons again, which I haven't used since I was in college. I did a summer school, abroad / foreign exchange study back then, and I was once fluent - could read, watch a movie, even had dreams in German.  But I'd forgotten so much of it this many years later. Now I'm meeting people, I'm entertained when I'm in the classroom, and it's fun to relearn stuff I've long forgotten.

2) Turn off the TV, unplug the internet, and go outside. It's amazing how much there is to do out there. When was the last time you went to a museum? A concert? Took a bike ride? Joined a social club of people who share your interests and hobbies?  We know that we isolate ourselves too much. Stop it. Go outside and play.

3) Exercise. Joining a gym does not automatically mean you're gay, despite what some writers will try to tell you.  I've lost 25 lbs in the last six months, and my cholesterol levels are down.

4) This will sound counter-intuitive, and I understand why, and I probably would have said the same thing a year or two ago... but when you're ready, make an effort to get to know people who are LGBT. I mean, pro-actively make an effort to meet new people who are LGBT. Do some volunteer work, interact with them, attend a fundraiser or concert, or whatever. Some will say that's fraternizing with the enemy. I don't think so - I call it getting my information from the source. It's been a big part of my own healing.

5) Revisit old hobbies and passions that you've set aside for too long. I've always been a big

Séan wrote:

5. The analogy I think of is a frightened dog hiding under the porch. You won't get him to come out by yelling at him, poking him with sticks, or throwing rocks at him. He'll more likely bare his fangs and strike out at you in self-defense. You might be able to coax him out if you set out a dish of water and food, and then back off and wait.

You make an excellent point. If I may paraphrase, the gay spouse hears the question like this: "I'd like you to admit the most painful and terrifying secret you've held for your entire life. It's a shameful secret that will likely end our relationship, destroy our family, and leave both of us angry and alone. Ok honey...I'm ready to hear it. GO!"

Thanks, Sean, for confirming what I was thinking. I presume you were able to read between the lines of what I was asking, and why I was asking, but if not, well...  it's because I said and did some things at the time that I wish I had not said and done, and were certainly not what I believed, but I spoke out of anger, and I wish I could take it back.  I threw gasoline on a fire without realizing that's what I was doing. I've read a lot since then, asked a lot of questions since then, and had a lot of my assumptions challenged since then, and have been humbled since then, and that's all been good. I know it makes me a better person, more patient, a more informed and tolerant person than I was, even though it doesn't take away the pain. Only time does that.

The big challenge for me afterwards was that I didn't want to go through this all over again in the future, and I knew I needed to figure out for myself (and I can't emphasize that enough) how it was that I permitted myself to stay in a situation where I wasn't satisfied or particularly happy (although I managed to convince myself that I was).

To the person who said I was trying to make it nicer for the gay spouse, you are reading me all wrong. My wife did what she did and that's t

LC:

Is this new behavior for him? And it began suddenly? If so, have there been any other changes in his daily routine? If he were feeling dirty because of his actions, I would think he'd more likely be obsessed with getting and staying clean, washing away any evidence...  "Out, out, damned spot" and all that.

This is something I would discuss with his doctor to rule out any phsyiological causes before assuming it's something psychological. His lack of hygiene for 3-4 weeks sounds like more than a mere annoyance or inconvenience; doesn't he notice the smell about himself, or feel itchy or greasy or unclean? A change in behavior that dramatic and sudden, for 3-4 weeks, and it doesn't seem to bother him, he doesn't notice it or smell it himself? That sounds like some form of brain damage. I would be talking to a neurologist.

When you hear hoofbeats, think "horses" not "unicorns."  Meaning, rule out the most obvious first - biological or organic before emotional or psychological.

Séan wrote:

I've never thought of this forum as homophobic

Séan wrote:

Take it from me, gay men are seriously f*cked up.....

How do you square your first statement above with your second one? I don't get it.

Sean, I hope you are being facetious here; are you? Your second statement is as judgmental and homophobic as anything I've read anywhere else - I'm having a hard time imagining what could be more homophobic than what you yourself wrote. I don't know how else to characterize it, and it contradicts your first statement. Could this possibly be an example of how self-loathing and internalized homophobia manifests?

You don't mean to say ALL gay men are f*cked up, do you? That's hyberbole, unless you are personally acquainted with all of them. The ones that I know and work with, who are out, seem to be self-confident and professional, and don't seem to me to be at all f*cked-up. Two of my gay co-workers were my biggest supporters while I was going through my own divorce. After the sympathy, listening ears, room to let me to talk and vent, and patience that they gave me, I will defend them to the last mile. Are you being honest with yourself about your new-found self-acceptance? Unless you are being intentionally self-deprecating and tongue-in-cheek, the dissonance between your two assertions above sounds like a remaining layer of unresolved self-loathing to me.

Séan wrote:

After disclosure, I was in what's called 'gay adolescence' which meant pursuing pleasure, sex, and validation by any means...  Every gay man goes through this stage whether as a teenager or an adult.

That's not so different from what most straight teenagers do... if me and and my brothers are anything to go by, at least. And I question whether "every" gay man goes through it. There are no celibate gay people? There are no gay people with self-discipline? Come on...

Séan wrote:

My point is once you're gay, there is no going back. Nothing can halt the process.[/q

…