I sometimes still struggle to comprehend the narcissism I've encountered since he was outed. It took a fair amount of counselling and a lot of reading on this forum to realise I'd been living with a narcissist and it's only with hindsight that I understand gas lighting and see him for what he is. I'm still gobsmacked at the way he was able to shove me under the bus to gain sympathy & support for himself, no remorse, empathy or compassion for what he's done. He's making f&@ all effort to have a relationship with his adult children, it appears to me his love for them is conditional on them having unconditional love for him!!

What I'm doing for myself:

I moved house, a huge undertaking to clear out the old family home, downsize & get it all sorted.
I got myself a new car, out with the old........
I attended a Beginning Experience weekend
I'm doing dancing classes once a week
My divorce will be final in a couple of weeks
I'm going on a charity walk, one week on the Camino do Santiago & working on fundraising events for this
I've a couple vacations planned
I'm allowing myself down time without feeling guilty
I've managed to keep myself eating very healthily throughout this entire time, didn't let myself indulge too much!
I've people telling me I look great (he looks like he's aged 20 years)
I'm excited for my life ahead
I'm glad I know the truth, I could never pinpoint what was wrong, always wondering was I not enough, now I know I was too good for that, I deserved and deserve better going forward
I know I wouldn't go back 2 years for anything

Wow, starting out with this post I didn't think I'd have too many positive points to make, I've surprised myself. I'm actually very proud of myself in how I've handled this and continue to deal with this on a daily basis. Of course I do have my challenging days but they're fewer & further apart now.

20 months on & I still can't see myself going on a dating app or an online dating site. At this point in time I can't see how a dating/social life will develop. I do meet friends but it's normally for a walk, coffee, lunch or in each other's house. I need to work on that, how or what to do will evolve, I'm hoping.

Last edited by Foolme (June 2, 2017 12:36 am)

Good for you Bec, Happy Birthday, hope your alone time brings you some joy, at least you're stepping out of your comfort zone for yourself!!

Well let's see....a month ago it was alcohol, ambien, xanax, and feeling like a viper on the hunt for blood.
This months it's less alcohol, melatonin with an occasional ambien, half a xanax when I felt like I was having a heart attack and feeling a cross between a viper and a wounded bear that just wants to hibernate. 
I do have a list of goals and a Dr. appt set up. 
That's about the best I can do for now.

I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see a thread like this in these forums. I had almost given up on these forums as it seemed like the more I tried to stay positive and forward looking, the more I got slammed for it and I decided it was time to graduate from SSN - although I would still read the blog posts and articles. 

Anyway, here are things I've learned, or that I do, that have been positive steps:

1) Learn something new that engages your mind. I've been taking German lessons again, which I haven't used since I was in college. I did a summer school, abroad / foreign exchange study back then, and I was once fluent - could read, watch a movie, even had dreams in German.  But I'd forgotten so much of it this many years later. Now I'm meeting people, I'm entertained when I'm in the classroom, and it's fun to relearn stuff I've long forgotten.

2) Turn off the TV, unplug the internet, and go outside. It's amazing how much there is to do out there. When was the last time you went to a museum? A concert? Took a bike ride? Joined a social club of people who share your interests and hobbies?  We know that we isolate ourselves too much. Stop it. Go outside and play.

3) Exercise. Joining a gym does not automatically mean you're gay, despite what some writers will try to tell you.  I've lost 25 lbs in the last six months, and my cholesterol levels are down.

4) This will sound counter-intuitive, and I understand why, and I probably would have said the same thing a year or two ago... but when you're ready, make an effort to get to know people who are LGBT. I mean, pro-actively make an effort to meet new people who are LGBT. Do some volunteer work, interact with them, attend a fundraiser or concert, or whatever. Some will say that's fraternizing with the enemy. I don't think so - I call it getting my information from the source. It's been a big part of my own healing.

5) Revisit old hobbies and passions that you've set aside for too long. I've always been a big opera fan, my wife sort of tolerated it for my sake, but she wasn't really into it, and so I put it on the back burner. But I've recently joined a meet-up group for opera lovers, and I'm having a blast with them. It feels great.

6) Realize that when we tell ourselves that nobody else understands us, if we go along with that and believe it and internalize it, then we are helping to construct the barrier between ourselves and them. It's not their fault if they don't understand, it means they need to be given a clearer explanation

7) Listen to as many points of view as you can, even if you don't agree with them. I read a comment on one of the blog posts from someone who realized that when people tell us, "how could you not know?" and "you didn't figure it out?" and so on - it is not meant as a put down or an insult. Think about it - what they're really saying is not "how could you be so stupid?"  - what they're really saying is "I believe in the stereotypes, but you're experience is telling me the stereotypes aren't real."  That is why they get fidgety and uncomfortable when we try to explain our experiences: we are challenging their assumptions about what they thought they knew.

These are the experiences and activities that keep me out of the fog.
 

Last edited by BryonM (June 6, 2017 9:31 am)

I debated starting a new thread as an "update" of my situation, but I think this counts as a "positive step." Today I start a six week working vacation away from home in another country.  My plan while there is to disengage from my husband's trans issues as much as I can. It won't be "no contact," because we're still married and I plan to return home again at the end of July, but it will be "limited contact" for all things trans, including this forum.  What I want to do is give myself perspective and a preview of what life can be like for me after I leave all things trans behind permanently.  I'll probably check here occasionally, but not frequently, for the next six weeks.  
   Whatever stage you're in--just past or long past disclosure--I hope you all find that the summer brings you clarity, hope, peace, and some joy.