Posted by Ellexoh_nz  April 17, 2023 2:37 pm | #11 |
My comments in red.
Welcome to our Forum Ashen
ashen_314 wrote:
I've been lurking for a while now, trying to find the words to share and figure out what I need. Lots to read and absorb. Honestly, its been a pretty mixed experience, but more than anything it has been comforting to know that I am not alone.
It has been two months now since my wife came out to me and upended my world. The thing I am most struggling with is the lack of communication from her about where she's at in her head: what she wants, where she sees our marriage going; we've been together for 16 years and married for nine: this relationship had literally been half our lives and I don't want to throw all of that away because of pain and hurt. Your wife is on a personal journey and because it concerns her sexuality & who she is at the core of her being she may not be able to/is afraid to vocalise it all. Plus our non-straight partners & spouses are renown for keeping secret who they are....so as "not to hurt us" and upset the balance of their lives.
This came completely out of nowhere for both of us, and it is going to take a lot of communication to find some kind of new normal, whatever that ends up looking like. I think it will have come out of nowhere for you but she may have been aware far longer than she lets on
I still love her more than anything, and it just... hurts so much. Yes we know how you're feeling. I realise people say "you don't know how I'm feeling, how could you possibly!" But in this case, in my opinion, the straightspouses hurt is like no other and we all know the depth of it. You're going to need people to talk to. Kind people who love you and who will have your back. This is not something you should shoulder alone
Ashen....do you have family and good friends to confide in?
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz April 17, 2023 2:41 pm | #12 |
....
Hey Walk 
Adrift. Yeah that's a good word. My word is still disconnected.
What would make your life, your world....less 'adrift'..?
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz April 17, 2023 2:49 pm | #13 |
....I have bitterness and anger. I feel so very wronged. And I will no longer trust myself as a judge of character, or trust any other human being.
It is oh so difficult. Being discarded like a piece of trash....
Do you think that if the bitterness and anger is stopping you from trusting yourself to be a good judge of character then working on being rid of it is where you should start first?
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by ashen_314 April 17, 2023 3:41 pm | #14 |
My comments in red.
Welcome to our Forum Ashen
I've been lurking for a while now, trying to find the words to share and figure out what I need. Lots to read and absorb. Honestly, its been a pretty mixed experience, but more than anything it has been comforting to know that I am not alone.
It has been two months now since my wife came out to me and upended my world. The thing I am most struggling with is the lack of communication from her about where she's at in her head: what she wants, where she sees our marriage going; we've been together for 16 years and married for nine: this relationship had literally been half our lives and I don't want to throw all of that away because of pain and hurt. Your wife is on a personal journey and because it concerns her sexuality & who she is at the core of her being she may not be able to/is afraid to vocalise it all. Plus our non-straight partners & spouses are renown for keeping secret who they are....so as "not to hurt us" and upset the balance of their lives.
This came completely out of nowhere for both of us, and it is going to take a lot of communication to find some kind of new normal, whatever that ends up looking like. I think it will have come out of nowhere for you but she may have been aware far longer than she lets on
I still love her more than anything, and it just... hurts so much. Yes we know how you're feeling. I realise people say "you don't know how I'm feeling, how could you possibly!" But in this case, in my opinion, the straightspouses hurt is like no other and we all know the depth of it. You're going to need people to talk to. Kind people who love you and who will have your back. This is not something you should shoulder alone
Ashen....do you have family and good friends to confide in?
Elle
Thanks Elle
I have some truly wonderful friends who are supporting me through this and holding me accountable for my mental health. My parents are as well, though the circumstances of them being let in on the journey were less than ideal and has caused some issues. My wife isn't out yet, and given the conservative Christian background we both grew up in I don't think she was going to be ready to come out to family for a while. However, one thing I have learned through reading this board is that this is my story as much as it is hers and it was important for me that they knew. Well, that and calling them to talk to our kid (seven year-old daughter and the absolute light of my life) was the only thing that kept me alive through a mental health crisis. I'm also seeing a counsellor to deal with... all that as well. I've struggled with depression and anxiety for years, but I thought I had it mostly under control. This situation has.. not been helpful in that regard, but I am getting the help I need.
Ash
Last edited by ashen_314 (April 17, 2023 3:41 pm)
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Posted by Rob April 18, 2023 6:41 am | #15 |
Elle,
I've been busy living my life.
This weekend I had to pick up a kid and she did wave hi from her house ..I had a brief moment of frozeness..my body naturally recalling the flight ,fight or freeze of my marriage and relentless rage it ended in. I snapped out of it..waved hi back and drove off with my kid.
A bit upset with myself as it's been years and I am safe and ok now. Forgiving myself now...it was an innate physical response ..I have keep my loved ones close and my enemies closer..
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz April 18, 2023 1:28 pm | #16 |
..I have keep my loved ones close and my enemies closer..
It's so unfair you feel you have to do that Rob. I hope you get to a point where your children's mother won't be a factor in your well-being and simply becomes a bad memory you don't even need to think about
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by Rob April 18, 2023 10:18 pm | #17 |
..I have keep my loved ones close and my enemies closer..
It's so unfair you feel you have to do that Rob. I hope you get to a point where your children's mother won't be a factor in your well-being and simply becomes a bad memory you don't even need to think about
E
Elle thanks,
We have these kids so she will always be around..and she is still capable of so much hurt..emotionally and financially through them. There will be the kids weddings, graduations etc. So while I'm no contact I need to keep this enemy close or at known distance. My loved one yes are really closer...but they have no blast radius of hurt.
Last edited by Rob (April 18, 2023 10:18 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Dutchman April 20, 2023 4:00 am | #18 |
Ashen,
I'm in a mixed orientation marriage. We're married 37 years, monogamous, and in all respects (including sexual) a relation that makes us both happy. Though I do understand your current situation, because after my wife came out as lesbian (17 years ago), it was very difficult and confusing for us as well.
If you're interested how we went through it, you can read a lot about our story in the "strategies for MOMs" section:
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1931
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2114
If you've questions please post in these topics. (esp. because my wife can only reply in her own topic there)
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Posted by ashen_314 April 22, 2023 8:08 pm | #19 |
Ashen,
I'm in a mixed orientation marriage. We're married 37 years, monogamous, and in all respects (including sexual) a relation that makes us both happy. Though I do understand your current situation, because after my wife came out as lesbian (17 years ago), it was very difficult and confusing for us as well.
If you're interested how we went through it, you can read a lot about our story in the "strategies for MOMs" section:
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1931
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2114
If you've questions please post in these topics. (esp. because my wife can only reply in her own topic there)
Thank you Dutchman, I've actually spent a good amount of time on the board reading the posts from you and your wife. I'll be sure to drop into your threads if I have any questions.
Ash
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Posted by Grace1958 April 23, 2023 12:59 pm | #20 |
Hanging in - In the past 24 days, 3 deaths on hubby's side and our 18 yr old cat passed last week.
Just trying to get through it all.
I guess the hardest thing is that his way of coping is intimacy and I just can't manage to give more than I agreed to, and I feel like scum because of it. But if I do more I hate myself.
Still deciding stay or go and feel like I will be forever..
