Deceivedandsad wrote:

.....
I don’t know his wife. But should I tell her??

 
Would you have wanted somebody to have told you?
Would you have wanted to be warned?

Elle

Excuse me, Elle, but plenty of us have stepped out of the shadow of the closet and into the light of day.

I was open about the reason my marriage was a dud.  I lost a lot of friends in the process - socially speaking, Closet Lesbians Rule The World.  

So I learnt to be more private for my own sake.  And I was grateful the nice straight woman my ex had lined up to replace me had more sense than to accommodate him because if she hadn't, if she did go with him then she wasn't going to be able to believe anything I could have said to her.  Best bet I think is if you can talk to a trusted friend of theirs.

What I have, what I got from leaving my marriage behind, is myself.  And bottom line, that is what I needed.  My experience of staying in the marriage once I had gone independent and emotionally defended myself from him to the best of my ability was same house was too close.  Staying married was too close.  I feel like I got out by the skin of my teeth - you know the scene, where at the last moment the hero rolls out from underneath the rapidly descending door of the trap - that's how I feel!

no problem, Elle.  You are right that the straight spouses do not speak out but the hard fact is there are closets all over the place and I find I am spending more time working out how to get along with closet lesbians than telling them how how painful marriage to a gay is for the straight.

It sucks.  It sucks big time.  To witness the pain up close and not be able to address it - it affects all the family.  It's this horrible spreading stain of emotional pain.  Just stepping out from the shadows oneself is a big deal - helps everyone next to you just in itself - there you are!