My heart aches for you. I’m curious about the same thing. We haven’t divorced but I get angry & sick when I see that too. I’m curious what others have done to move past this phase.

Private, you have a great deal to be angry about. Part of the anger is that he is still controlling you with money. I bet it wasnt your choice to have to go buy groceries with your ex to get him to help support his son.

In most western countries child support is decided at divorce and is legally enforceable. There are often govt agencies that can collect it for you. A lawyer might be able to help you.

No contact and firm boundaries are the only way to get beyond it.

If you can work out another way for your ex to see his son that doesnt involve you going shopping together, that would be a start. If he is visiting your home and/or eating with you, best to stop that right now. You are doing all the work that your ex should be doing to maintain a relationship with his son.

Your anger is renewed constantly because he is calling too many shots in your life.  Its hard but you need to take back control. The more you run your own life and the less your ex is in it, the less you will care whose butt your ex is checking out.

The anger does lessen with time and it really helps to get the ex out of your life as much as you possibly can.

I'm sorry, Private. This is awful. Time to draw boundaries, as your ex clearly has none.

For those that still have the anger, would it be possible to share what it feels like and how far out you are? What is the level you see it at today out of 10 versus originally?

I know this is an odd question, but I'm coming to grips with the reality that this will not be going away and fearful it will feel like an apple in my chest for years to come.

longwayhome wrote:

I welcome the discussion. I struggle with anger. the opposite emotion to anger is sadness. I can’t hold onto anger, I want to at times, need to at times, but it just dissipates on me.

Such a poetic description and I fully understand this feeling. I spent a full year chasing my anger, realizing only later that I wasn't angry because I had no sense of self-preservation. I was lost at sea and indifferent to where I drifted and what harm lay ahead.

longwayhome wrote:

My worry is when it is safe to feel that anger, what that anger might look like. I don’t like anger, I don’t believe any good can come from it, not in the long term. So I’m really hoping, I’ll just by pass that emotion.

The best thing I can suggest is to lean into that anger, but don’t let it consume you. It will only hurt you in the long run. Feel it, feel it in the moment it arises and stay with that feeling. and then tell yourself to let it go it only hurts you. You’ve been hurt enough.

Please don’t hurt yourself more with poisonous thoughts. Stop those thoughts.

Be well, take care.

I've personally never considered anger bad before, but this hits home. This is harm I am implanting in myself. If I live my life in anger, she continues to own me from afar.

Thank you and wishing you freedom from this cycle as well.

daryl wrote:

Someone else had a timer on how long they could be sad, after which they had to get up and do something productive. There are many ways to cope in a safe and healthy manner.

Great advice, Daryl. I rarely channel my anger to be productive or time-limited. I will try this. Thank you!