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May 16, 2021 1:20 am  #1


After divorce how to stop being angry

i see my ex when he visits his son every two weeks. we always go to the grocery store so he can buy groceries ( he doesnt pay child support). today i noticed him eyeing another man with his kids. they exchanged glances.  i didnt care and it didnt bother me.

but when we checked out this man was now with his wife and what a coincidence my ex chose the same lane

they were eyeing each other again and i was furious!

all i could think about was that poor woman and i hated both men.

i know youll say just get the money and run...but my son likes to shop there and if i leave it up to my son well have chips, candy and processed food for every meal.

anyways how do you let go of the anger from what they put you through and the anger I feel for what these closeted men do to their spouses? i ache for every straight spouse. my experience left me so scarred.

 

May 16, 2021 8:00 am  #2


Re: After divorce how to stop being angry

My heart aches for you. I’m curious about the same thing. We haven’t divorced but I get angry & sick when I see that too. I’m curious what others have done to move past this phase.

 

May 16, 2021 8:44 am  #3


Re: After divorce how to stop being angry

Distance.  Your son might like to shop with him, but he will get over it.  Life is too short to grocery shop with people who make you angry.

 

May 16, 2021 11:23 am  #4


Re: After divorce how to stop being angry

Private, you have a great deal to be angry about. Part of the anger is that he is still controlling you with money. I bet it wasnt your choice to have to go buy groceries with your ex to get him to help support his son.

In most western countries child support is decided at divorce and is legally enforceable. There are often govt agencies that can collect it for you. A lawyer might be able to help you.

No contact and firm boundaries are the only way to get beyond it.

If you can work out another way for your ex to see his son that doesnt involve you going shopping together, that would be a start. If he is visiting your home and/or eating with you, best to stop that right now. You are doing all the work that your ex should be doing to maintain a relationship with his son.

Your anger is renewed constantly because he is calling too many shots in your life.  Its hard but you need to take back control. The more you run your own life and the less your ex is in it, the less you will care whose butt your ex is checking out.

The anger does lessen with time and it really helps to get the ex out of your life as much as you possibly can.

 

May 16, 2021 1:19 pm  #5


Re: After divorce how to stop being angry

The extreme anger abates with time and distance. My GIDXH passed away due to his self-destructive tendencies (sniffing poppers [amyl nitrite] - a gay party drug before he would leave the house. Probably going from our bathroom directly to a nearby public restroom.)

I still feel angry at the injustice of his deception and abuse.  That will never go away. It doesn’t rule my life though.

Kids eat junk food no matter how closely you watch them.  It may be better for your ex to have his legal visitation time, and step away. A calm mind can deal with issues and problems better than an anxious one. I used to be the queen of anxiety. Divorce decreased that a lot. This is one positive lesson I learned through this mess.

Take care,
Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

May 17, 2021 7:03 am  #6


Re: After divorce how to stop being angry

I understand your frustration and anger. I found out almost a year ago and I still suffer from both. Holding a good thought for you.

 

May 24, 2021 3:59 pm  #7


Re: After divorce how to stop being angry

I'm sorry, Private. This is awful. Time to draw boundaries, as your ex clearly has none.

For those that still have the anger, would it be possible to share what it feels like and how far out you are? What is the level you see it at today out of 10 versus originally?

I know this is an odd question, but I'm coming to grips with the reality that this will not be going away and fearful it will feel like an apple in my chest for years to come.

 

May 24, 2021 5:53 pm  #8


Re: After divorce how to stop being angry

I think anger is, in the long run, not healthy. That being said, it can be used as fuel to propel you forward to a safer and happier place, as long as you maintain control. Don't live in anger, don't let it lead to rage. If you find it consumes you, try to fix the source, look into meditation techniques, etc. Always be in control. I remember one person here would go hammer on an old pool table for 30 minutes. Someone else had a timer on how long they could be sad, after which they had to get up and do something productive. There are many ways to cope in a safe and healthy manner.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

May 25, 2021 3:20 pm  #9


Re: After divorce how to stop being angry

longwayhome wrote:

I welcome the discussion. I struggle with anger. the opposite emotion to anger is sadness. I can’t hold onto anger, I want to at times, need to at times, but it just dissipates on me.

Such a poetic description and I fully understand this feeling. I spent a full year chasing my anger, realizing only later that I wasn't angry because I had no sense of self-preservation. I was lost at sea and indifferent to where I drifted and what harm lay ahead.

longwayhome wrote:

My worry is when it is safe to feel that anger, what that anger might look like. I don’t like anger, I don’t believe any good can come from it, not in the long term. So I’m really hoping, I’ll just by pass that emotion.

The best thing I can suggest is to lean into that anger, but don’t let it consume you. It will only hurt you in the long run. Feel it, feel it in the moment it arises and stay with that feeling. and then tell yourself to let it go it only hurts you. You’ve been hurt enough.

Please don’t hurt yourself more with poisonous thoughts. Stop those thoughts.

Be well, take care.

I've personally never considered anger bad before, but this hits home. This is harm I am implanting in myself. If I live my life in anger, she continues to own me from afar.

Thank you and wishing you freedom from this cycle as well.

daryl wrote:

Someone else had a timer on how long they could be sad, after which they had to get up and do something productive. There are many ways to cope in a safe and healthy manner.

Great advice, Daryl. I rarely channel my anger to be productive or time-limited. I will try this. Thank you!

 

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