OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Feeling alone in this

**Posted by TangledOil** February 16, 2021 3:08 pm

In the past month or two the straight spouses have really been making their presence known there and they certainly aren’t wall flowers. There’s going to be another subreddit opening up in the next few weeks specifically for the straight spouse of bi men and women. I’m looking forward to that one. As far as being banned for shaming, the rules say “cheat shaming” is prohibited, but people just find kinder ways to word the same thing and get the point across.

**Posted by Gloria** February 16, 2021 3:14 pm

I am also sorry that you find yourself here. I found out last June but my partner will not admit it. I joined this group in July. I was also on the wrong forum at times. If you need to talk you may private message me. Once again, I am so very sorry for your pain.

**Posted by Gloria** February 16, 2021 3:15 pm

Kind words ae the best words

**Posted by Upside** February 16, 2021 3:53 pm

The new sub sounds interesting.

Banning 'cheat shaming' says more than I ever could.

Last edited by Upside (February 16, 2021 3:55 pm)

**Posted by Julian_Stone** February 16, 2021 3:57 pm

There is nothing kind about cheating on your wife (with multiple men) and putting her health at risk...so I found that forum wasn't for me. It was doing a lot more harm than good for my own emotional well-being (especially in those early days).

Yes, a lot of the stories in here are really depressing...and while I can't relate to many of them on a personal- experience level (my husband didn't cheat or sexually neglect me or ask for an open relationship) I can relate to the shock of finding out your partner isn't who he/she presented him/herself as...that feeling like the rug's been pulled from beneath you...and the anxiety that comes with wondering what that means for your marriage & family. This forum has been a good sounding board for me.

**Posted by TangledOil** February 16, 2021 4:14 pm

I see a lot of talk in the MarriedandBi subreddit pushing for honest and open communication no matter where that takes the bi spouse. No one encourages cheating AT ALL, although some do post there trying to get validation to cheat. I don’t know how it was prior as I’ve only been there maybe two months, but I don’t see anyone saying cheating is ok.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** February 16, 2021 7:19 pm

Reddit is a mosh pit. I wouldn't exactly credit it with the last word on relationships.

I've heard this criticism of SSN for "negativity" before, and I'm not having it. Lots of us who left our spouses came here wanting to make it work. We didn't decide it couldn't because this site is a hotbed of negativity. We decided it wouldn't work because of the behavior of our spouses, and because we learned to name their behavior (entitled, duplicitous, desperate, etc).

It isn't negativism if people don't roll over for the abuse their closeted or in denial or cheating spouses dole out, or tie themselves in knots trying to rationalize it, or convince themselves that they are somehow enlightened beings for sanctioning it.

**Posted by TangledOil** February 16, 2021 8:12 pm

My guess is most people that come here and label it negative do so because it doesn’t fit their situation, or even in cases where it does, they refuse to surround themselves with what they perceive as more negativity than they’re already dealing with. I’ve kept in touch with some of both in those two categories.

I’ll be the first to admit it’s depressing here. I often only read very specific things and then walk away because there’s too much sadness. There’s nothing about my husband or my marriage that causes me the distress reading about others tough situations does. I hope people don’t roll over and take any form of abuse from anyone, not even a spouse. As an MFT I’ll be the first one to tell someone to make a plan to leave an abusive situation that isn't being proactively worked on and to leave a physically abusive situation immediately.

Last edited by TangledOil (February 16, 2021 8:14 pm)

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** February 16, 2021 10:20 pm

I can imagine that our stories might be depressing or sad or even scary to you, being married to someone who has declared he's bisexual but has never acted on it. The lying, deception, hiding, and secrecy many of us have experienced is not something you have experienced or even understand.

**Posted by ThisTooShallPass** February 17, 2021 12:05 am

As I made a comment about the "negativity" here once, I'm going to jump in for a second on that thought.

I think perhaps negative wasn't the right word for what I was thinking at the time. I think it's overwhelming. The sheer amount of abuse and trauma that other spouses have gone through is horrifying. In a way, it was a relief to find stories to help myself understand what I was going through, but sometimes it just magnified my own trauma and shame over all of this. Misery and unhappiness are also contagions, and hearing all the terrible stories just overwhelmed me even more. I had to step back for awhile until I could deal with my situation in my own way. But honestly, yes, some people here are just more blunt than others. That's not a bad thing, and it seems some straight spouses need/want to hear it that way, but in the beginning, it was just too much for me emotionally. Now, I am in a better place, I can look past the bluntness, because I understand it better, where it's coming from, and that the straight spouses here are genuinely looking out for the other straight spouses.