OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Knew For Awhile BUT stayed & now ready to leave...

**Posted by StayWokE** November 10, 2018 1:52 am

Met my GID bf 10+yrs ago and after discovering gay porn history on browsers, texts & phone numbers of TG/gay partners, hookup sites, sex ads, membership to gay bathhouse, I’m done. I have done so much self reflection I don’t like who I have become. I’m a bitter, angry, sarcastic, cynical individual. My few close friends don’t understand and have questioned why I stayed, or have felt compassion for my STBX’s secret life. My family & his parents who are from the south, don’t believe it because he’s this jock, boys basketball coach, tall & attractive man that women persue. We have 2 young children which makes it even more difficult. I feel like I’ve been used as a window dressing, cover, duped into giving him these children and pretend “normal” family. When in reality he has always been off...distant, never fully present in the relationship, caring, passionate like a man with a woman. I feel so unloved, unattractive, and alone. I yearn for when I can be loved by a real man and have an authentic connection nothing like this farce of a relationship. Sadly don’t know if I could ever trust someone fully. Good people get f’d over so much in life.

**Posted by KitKat** November 10, 2018 10:30 pm

I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. You have put up with a lot by the sound of it. You have dealt with more than any human should have to endure. Protect yourself and your kids the best you can. I don’t have much advice as I’m still new to all of this and I’m dealing with the trans thing, not GID that I know of with my stbx. I do have 4 kids so I understand your concern for your kids and also the utter shock that someone who you loved could do this. Find a lawyer and move money if needed. I didn’t move half our savings right away which bit me in the butt recently. Hopefully others further along in this can give you better advice.

**Posted by Scrupulous** November 12, 2018 12:03 pm

My heart goes out to you Stay. know it will be hard but you've come so far and know you are doing the right thing. Your attitude only improve once your away from him. Trust me, you will find yourself again. But if you stay it will only get worse to the point of no return. Pat yourself on the back for making a confident but hard decision. You will be so much happier!
Keep posting and updating because you have a huge support system here.
I wish you the best.

**Posted by phoenix** November 13, 2018 10:04 am

Welcome to our group SWoke.

I'm so sorry you have been used like this. But I'm glad to see you finding your power and resolving to make a change in your life. We are here for you each step of the way.

**Posted by Rob** November 13, 2018 11:15 am

Staywoke wrote; "...I feel so unloved, unattractive, and alone. I yearn for when I can be loved by a real man and have an authentic connection nothing like this farce of a relationship. .."

So so sorry.   I think a lot of us here know the feeling.. We were trying our best and showing fierce devoted love and it just didnt seem to be enough..    I think a lot of us know now it was because they wanted something we could not give (unless we change body parts).

I wanted to say though..just to bring you back to reality ... its NOT TRUE.   You are loved, attractive and feeling alone is really him hurting you.     Alone is ok ..we all feel lonely sometimes.. but having this feeling forced on us when in their presence...no...that is not morally right on any level.

Gather strength and build a support system.. work on getting back to a real moral and normal reality.