I want to share my experience because there are similarities, but also an important warning I wish I had understood sooner.In my situation, my partner asked to open the relationship to explore her sexuality. I said we could talk about it.

Not long after, though, she reversed course and said she only wanted friends. I pushed to "address the elephant in the room" because clearly something was going on. Later, I found out she had cheated anyway. After that, she continued to ask to be open, but reframed it as something we would “do together.” In practice, that meant she would have sexual and emotional relationships with women, while I was not allowed to explore at all. I share this because reassurance and shifting rules can coexist with very real harm. Being told the relationship is the priority does not protect you if the structure does not actually do that.

One thing I learned is that once someone has repeated contact, physical closeness, and emotional intimacy with another person, attachment can form quickly, even if they insist they do not want to leave. Words about intent did not stop the escalation in my case. What mattered was behavior and boundaries, and those were not consistent.To your question, yes, it is fair to ask if there is a way to explore without opening the door to falling in love with someone else. It is also fair to ask whether the current setup actually protects your marriage or slowly shifts it into something you did not agree to.

Another hard lesson for me was that “doing it together” can become a way to justify one-sided freedom. Support started to mean accepting limits placed on me while being asked to emotionally hold space for experiences I was excluded from. That imbalance took a real toll and did not make the relationship safer.

Loving and supporting your partner does not mean ignoring your own limits or trusting reassurance alone. If your relationship truly matters to both of you, there needs to be clarity, consistency, and boundaries that apply in practice, not just in theory.

Last edited by groundlevel (January 16, 2026 12:34 pm)

I believe my marriage of 13 years has just collapsed. Last night I broke down and asked for separation. I was bending and bending and trying to overwrite the voice in me yelling “I don’t want an open marriage”, that I had made vows to stand by her side, be her family through thick and thin. Over the past year as my wife was trying to figure out the shape of these changes, but before she had words to explain clearly, I felt constantly belittled and unworthy to meet her desires. She was restless with me so I began to turn in on myself, becoming depressed and struggling for self-esteem. We were enmeshed, parenting, dating and working together. It was too much dependence on one another so she got a job elsewhere, to have space and specifically stated that she wanted a social place she could go to be desired where I was not welcome. She went to Lesbian Prom and felt she had found her people, and an infatuation with another began while there. The excitement my wife felt for another woman was becoming increasingly present in our lives. She become secretive, asking for private space because she knew she needed an outlet for these feelings and knew I would find them upsetting so she compartmentalized. Hour long car rides would be spent in silence while she texted and chatted in LGBTQ forums.  To summarize, she was coming to terms with these feelings, carving out a space for those feelings in her life and she was finding places to get support because I was not doing a good job of being steadfast, holding her and reassuring her while she went through this intense metamorphosis. the new crush was intoxicating and being desired made my wife feel really good. I was still in denial, confused because I didn’t know what was happening, I threatened to leave, many times. I tried to adapt, to support, to be a good husband. Anytime the conversation topic was about sex I was scared and on the defensive, even if she was trying to engage the conversation as something good for both of us. She wished I had a crush on someone else so that I would understand, but I didn’t, I just wanted my wife. Around six months ago we finally had a name for what we were experiencing: she is gay. By this point i had come to terms with this not going away so I was seeing a therapist, on anti-depressants, we were seeing a marriage counselor, and I began to share with my closest friends what was going on. I felt shame for not being more adaptable, more supportive, more secure in our relationship. I wanted to be at peace by trusting that I was wanted and that I couldn’t meet all of her needs sexually, just as I would never assume I could meet all of her needs intellectually, creatively or as a replacement for community. The infatuation relationship dissolved before it ever became physical but was replaced with the need for this lesbian identity to become louder and louder. Whenever I would say “no, I don’t want any of this, I don’t want an open marriage, I will not stand by and comfort and support you while you pursue other sexual relationships; I am 100% present for our marriage and our child, but not this”. This was received as abandonment, betrayal, and a denial of who she was as a person. She was looking for me to paint a picture in shades of gray to identify what cheating looks like, where the line is for her to step up to but not cross. I refused to play along and said I see monogamy in black and white. For the months that followed I was trying to understand, trying to adapt and find ways to allow her freedom, to acquiesce to her desires to have both me and another. she felt she had enough love to meet everyone’s needs. I felt constant low grade pressure to consent, which got louder and louder as she asked for trust, that all of the time she was spending online was good for her and for us. She asked me to give consent and I thought on it. I looked under every rock to see if there was an option C, a path somewhere between an open marriage and a broken one. She refused to let me go and keeps trying to find a structure that won’t be the end of us, but it always involves a deep emotional bond and sex. Three weeks ago I was so worn down, tired of being the obstacle she was pushing against to get her needs met so I gave consent (during sex) and asked for patience. I said it was going to be a long time for me to get on board but if she was willing to take the long path to this new destination than I would walk with her. Patience for her and patience for me looked totally different. Within three weeks she confided that she has met someone online who is in a similar situation: married with kids and very committed to her husband, so neither of them are looking to replace their partners. She has a scheduled rendezvous in NY in May so they can meet one another in person to see if they have chemistry. For awhile there, after I gave consent but before it became real we were doing good, but once the desire became a person with a name I just fell apart completely. I felt that the pace of what I was consenting to was going to be years before she took action, not weeks. I wondered if distance for us would solve the pacing issue? If she were to go to grad school elsewhere in the early days of sexual exploration while I can keep pushing to get on board but at a slower pace and without the constant daily reminders that kept me frozen in a reactive state. She declined this suggestion, saying that she is too scared to go to grad school alone, that she doesn’t want to be away from us and that she isn’t trying to replace me. I never felt my request for monogamy was ever respected, she kept looking for an inroad to get her needs met, which for me feels like disrespect, that she will keep trying until I gave her a response she is happy with. So I broke, left the house after dinner and came back home at 3am to ask for separation😞. She is super angry with me, stating that I am the one who has not been faithful, I have not trusted her to do right by me, that I have not supported her through this time as she has supported me in pursuit of my career. All of these things are true, I have continually asked to leave, for her to let me go before starting another relationship and she has emphatically refused. This doesn’t really put me in the best light, but how can I be my best self when so destabilized? And let me tell you, this shit is destabilizing, even when everyone is trying super hard and with compassion. I kept stating that this was a deal breaker for me, but that escalation has made it so difficult for us to work through this. I am devastated because I couldn’t be stronger, I didn’t act from a place of security and love, I have not given the reassurance that she deserves. I am lost at sea

Last edited by misterb eloto (April 23, 2026 8:01 am)

"..I have continually asked to leave, for her to let me go before starting another relationship and she has emphatically refused."

This, this is entirely natural for the straight spouse - it's instinctive behaviour.

 it was the same for me, I couldn't get a hug let alone a straight answer..  It was my mother who finally put words to the situation for me - she said it's like he will neither fully accept you nor let you go.

I'd always felt like he kept me a bit at arm's length, her putting words to that feeling put the ground under my feet.

Wishing you all the best, misterb, hope you have family and friends you can talk with, these are painful times to get through so look after yourself as much as you can at all times.

Last edited by lily (April 18, 2026 2:59 pm)

I'd like to echo the wisdom above, that you do not need to ask to leave.  Just go.  

It's honorable of you to have tried to put the relationship first, over your own needs.  That only works if both partners are willing to do that.  

She is unilaterally changing the established rules of your monogamous marriage to create a situation that benefits only her.  She wants to keep you as her solid home base while she does whatever she wants away from home.  To haver her cake and eat it too.  She's being selfish and unfair.

I'm sorry for all the self-criticism in your post, about you not being your best self because you're destabilized.  You've written that you "didn't act from a place of security and love..." and how could you? She's robbed you of your security and love.  That's her fault, not yours.  

I've read your posts on other threads here, including the MOM board. You sound like a very honorable man, and it also sounds to me like your ethics and sense of duty as a spouse is being used against you.  This happened to me when my GXH first came out - my good nature was exploited for his benefit, and I didn't see it until he moved out and I had some distance, time, and therapy under my belt.  

Please be so, so kind to yourself. There is absolutely no part of this that is your fault. 

I hope you have a good therapist for yourself, and I would caution you against couples therapy.  A newly out spouse who is willing to exploit their spouse has the ability to manipulate the couples therapy process for their own benefit. 

The straight spouse experience is truly horrible - not only the breakup part, but the shifting ground and self-doubt and questioning the past.  We're here for you. 
 

I'm so sorry for how much you're hurting.  

It was a rude awakening for me to realize just how much my GXH had lied to me.   While he was still with me, before I knew he was gay, while I was trying to figure out why he was so hard to live with, he built out an entire gay life with a gay social circle and a boyfriend and favorite gay nightspots.   When he came out to me, all he had to do was step into this other life that he'd built behind my back while we were together. 

It took me nearly a year to start putting pieces together that he had his gay life all set up before he came out to me, and just how deep the lies and deception and gaslighting had gone.   So the situation that I believed was new and fresh was actually well-established and I just didn't know it. 

Sadly the rule of thumb in our world is that whatever your newly out spouse tells you about what they're doing, it's only the tip of the iceberg.  It's time to stop believing anything she says.  

Your well-being is of no concern to her.  It's a very big (and necessary) change for you to shift gears from being empathetic to your wife's needs, and putting your own mental and emotional health at the top of the list.