Rob wrote:

Hawks guy,

TGT ..Its a horrible thing.    Regardless of what she says or does you will always have that anxiety now.  Is she meeting the bartender as 2 friends getting together or is it date?  Are they having sex? Why do you have to wonder?  What kind of loving spouse and best friend gives their partner that worry and anxiety?

I dont think we have any control over what they do.  If you tell her to sever all contaxt with the friend would she do it? Would she then resent you for it?

Im old fashioned I guess in regards to marriage..
.promises were made, vows were taken.  What part of what promised didn't these spouses understand.


Build your support system for yourself.   Know that you may not get support from her now.

Great response Rob.

The only thing I would like to clarify is that a person who is who is in limerence (I wouldn't call it love, because love takes time) has lost their executive functioning. They are getting bombarded with a cascade of hormones that are like being hooked on drugs. This is why the things they do defy the things they say. Promises, relationships, family, all fly out the window. They're chasing a high.

The other thing to note that makes SSA partners more difficult to handle is that you can't rely on societal norms to police the situation. If my wife were attracted to men, a red flag would go off if she decided to go to dinner or the bar with another man. But if she goes out with another woman, they're just friends. No one would bat an eye. For that reason, I had to separate myself from the situation and recognize that I have no control over what happens. I know what I want and am prepared for the worst. If nothing ever happens then I keep my happy marriage. If something does, I lose my marriage but gain a new life.