OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
This forum is hosted for free by Boardhost. Create your own free forum!
- Lostandconfused1234
- Member
Offline
Re: Im Spiraling
Rob wrote:
Hawks guy,
TGT ..Its a horrible thing. Regardless of what she says or does you will always have that anxiety now. Is she meeting the bartender as 2 friends getting together or is it date? Are they having sex? Why do you have to wonder? What kind of loving spouse and best friend gives their partner that worry and anxiety?
I dont think we have any control over what they do. If you tell her to sever all contaxt with the friend would she do it? Would she then resent you for it?
Im old fashioned I guess in regards to marriage..
.promises were made, vows were taken. What part of what promised didn't these spouses understand.
Build your support system for yourself. Know that you may not get support from her now.
Great response Rob.
The only thing I would like to clarify is that a person who is who is in limerence (I wouldn't call it love, because love takes time) has lost their executive functioning. They are getting bombarded with a cascade of hormones that are like being hooked on drugs. This is why the things they do defy the things they say. Promises, relationships, family, all fly out the window. They're chasing a high.
The other thing to note that makes SSA partners more difficult to handle is that you can't rely on societal norms to police the situation. If my wife were attracted to men, a red flag would go off if she decided to go to dinner or the bar with another man. But if she goes out with another woman, they're just friends. No one would bat an eye. For that reason, I had to separate myself from the situation and recognize that I have no control over what happens. I know what I want and am prepared for the worst. If nothing ever happens then I keep my happy marriage. If something does, I lose my marriage but gain a new life.
- groundlevel
- New member
Offline
Re: Im Spiraling
I want to share my experience because there are similarities, but also an important warning I wish I had understood sooner.In my situation, my partner asked to open the relationship to explore her sexuality. I said we could talk about it.
Not long after, though, she reversed course and said she only wanted friends. I pushed to "address the elephant in the room" because clearly something was going on. Later, I found out she had cheated anyway. After that, she continued to ask to be open, but reframed it as something we would “do together.” In practice, that meant she would have sexual and emotional relationships with women, while I was not allowed to explore at all. I share this because reassurance and shifting rules can coexist with very real harm. Being told the relationship is the priority does not protect you if the structure does not actually do that.
One thing I learned is that once someone has repeated contact, physical closeness, and emotional intimacy with another person, attachment can form quickly, even if they insist they do not want to leave. Words about intent did not stop the escalation in my case. What mattered was behavior and boundaries, and those were not consistent.To your question, yes, it is fair to ask if there is a way to explore without opening the door to falling in love with someone else. It is also fair to ask whether the current setup actually protects your marriage or slowly shifts it into something you did not agree to.
Another hard lesson for me was that “doing it together” can become a way to justify one-sided freedom. Support started to mean accepting limits placed on me while being asked to emotionally hold space for experiences I was excluded from. That imbalance took a real toll and did not make the relationship safer.
Loving and supporting your partner does not mean ignoring your own limits or trusting reassurance alone. If your relationship truly matters to both of you, there needs to be clarity, consistency, and boundaries that apply in practice, not just in theory.
Last edited by groundlevel (January 16, 2026 12:34 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
- Member
Offline
Re: Im Spiraling
.......Another hard lesson for me was that “doing it together” can become a way to justify one-sided freedom.....
Groundlevel....I spent years believing the open r'ship my former partner and I had was for 'us'. When I finally realised we were living his secret, selfish sexual life, not our loving, wonderful, trusting one, it was a tough, heart-breaking trek to our separation and final parting.
Elle
KIA KAHA