Thank you for responding Rose. Good luck friend. 

Having been on this site for a few weeks, I can't help but notice just how much PAIN people are going through: obvious pain from most women (and some men - i.e. straight partners) who post here, but also the pain and desperation that their partners and ex-partners had gone through. 

My road so far has not been tainted with lies or infidelity (yes, I went through Sean's checklist). My husband is on a very intense journey of self-discovery through therapy, self-reflection and conversations with me and others close to him. He is uncovering stories of emotional neglect and sexual abuse, as well as clear signs of same-sex attraction in the past and present. Some of those discoveries are INCREDIBLY hard for him to accept. Our psyche's defense mechanisms can be very strong and internalized homophobia is very real. It is made harder for him that some of those discoveries (like the same-sex attraction, in particular) provoke knee-jerk negative emotional reactions in me (hello, my own hidden homophobia!). As much as I try to mask my negative emotions - he is an empath and feels my feelings even before I do. 

Needless to say, I am in A LOT of pain, too. When I sit and reflect on it, my pain is not due to his neglect or lying. It is due to my own social constructs falling apart - and with them my Ego.  It's all great supporting anything non-heteronormative when it is somewhere out there, but reconciling my history, love, affection and feeling of security I have next to him with his same-sex attraction is totally different.  

I might be reading this wrong, but it appears to me that the general narrative/advice to women here is - "LEAVE". Leaving relationships has never been a problem for me as I am fiercely independent. I have been a thriving single mum for many years before I met him, and I have a good and fulfilling career. Yet, I choose to sit in this Pain with him - at least for now. I know that one way or another I will come out of this pain a better person: more open-minded, spiritual, loving, flexible and stronger. My Ego will get a shake-up and the neat little boxed I used to package my reality into will be destroyed. The world will become bigger and I will be freer. I believe that our souls have no gender or sexual orientation. We just have male and female energies in each of us and they dance a beautiful dance called human relationship, if we care to notice the beauty.  

Sending lots of love to you all! I hope this painful human experience we all are going through will be seen in a different light sometime in the future and people will find the "collateral beauty" in it.

Last edited by Alex1984 (March 4, 2024 8:14 pm)

I’m not sure what happened here - someone posted asking Sean about being the boyfriend who the cheating husband wasn’t showing up for all the time; that post was taken down, I assume because this is a space for the women on the other side, but then - a chill, Why? I know I thought that maybe it was one of the guys my husband was cheating with, and maybe some of you all did too. That was maybe the point, to send that chill. And I don’t think we should let that happen. No more manipulation, no more fear, no more feeling shame around issues that simply aren’t ours. Repeat - simply aren't ours. I went pretty deep trying to “help” mine, find the right therapists, read all the books - but as his brother said when I told him: “maybe it’s not a therapist thing.” Anyway: No More Manipulation. I’ve had enough.

Oh wow - that is a lot of spam, thank you.

The format may be obsolete - I wish the problem were! It should be, in this day and age but sadly still all too real.

Thank you for writing Alex. In response to your latest post: 

1. A bit about my background to paint the picture of where I started in my journey. I grew up in Europe with liberal views on LGBTQ+, I would have NEVER considered myself homophobic and have always supported gay rights. Thinking back, however, I was probably more homophobic than I thought. I always felt uncomfortable (and maybe still do in some situations) seeing two people of the same sex kiss and have never watched gay porn. When I first saw my husband's "collection", [of gay porn] I was shocked and thought it was utterly disgusting. Yet also weirdly, I found it arousing. It's actually a normal reaction of our brain, but it can feel very disorientating.

Thank you for your honesty. 

2. In the last four months all I did was trying to UNDERSTAND. Understand him, but also the wider gay/bi community. And ultimately, understand why the Universe has sent me this trial and what I needed to learn from it. I had endless conversations with my husband trying to understand the nature and history of his same-sex attraction, spent several hours on my personal counseling, and read multiple books and online resources. I started following a cute gay married couple on YouTube. I watched gay porn.

He's lucky to have you! Question: what has he done to work on himself and your relationship? 

3. My husband and I went to a few gay bars and explored Grndr together. And, yes, we also had a threesome with a bi guy, on which I insisted as I felt it was an important part of my exploration, as well as his. He didn't mind.

Question: what was his reaction to having sex with another man? Most straight spouses I've exchanged with over the years are SHOCKED at how turned on their husbands are when interacting sexually with another man. Their self-proclaimed "curious" husbands often demonstrate a level of experience and enthusiasm that confirms he's done much more than just watch gay porn online. Was this your experience? 

4. It's important to note, that while all of the above experiences provided a lot of new information, they were also quite overwhelming and unsettling at times (reading this forum was probably top of the list). It was critically important to be able to make sense of them - for me it was counseling and almost daily meditation. While this has been a rollercoaster, I feel like I am in a much better space right now.

Good for you. Again he's very lucky to have such an open-minded wife. 

5. I have accepted my husband's same-sex attraction and it doesn't provoke a negative reaction in me anymore. Weirdly, again, I am curious about it. It even started to feel somewhat arousing thinking about him with another guy. Don't ask me how it works, but it just does.

Your body, your sexuality, your marriage = your choice my friend. 

6. In terms of our relationship, it feels very strong. He says he has no desire or intention to hookup with guys on his own. He also says that if he ever feels a romantic connection he would never act on it, unless I was fully onboard.

Understood. Question: does he want to have future threesomes (male + male + female) and/or perhaps explore polyamory? The tipping point in most gay/straight relationships happens when the closeted/questioning husband refuses to have sex with his long-neglected wife, then suddenly demands permission to cheat while rationalizing this is necessary to save the marriage. 

7. I know that when/if he sees or touches a guy in a sexual context, it doesn't change him, or us, or our relationship. The threesome has really demystified this for me. The fact that he likes guys doesn't take anything away from our relationship. He still wants me - sexually, romantically and as a partner. In fact, he probably now wants me more.

Good! 

8. I know we are still early days and in the post-disclosure "honeymoon period", but so far so good and I will keep posting my updates here. Stay strong!

Caution: in my experience, marriage is more of a marathon than a sprint. I agree that you might be in the post-disclosure/threesome "honeymoon" phase. Often the real relationship challenges present themselves 4-6 months following discovery/disclosure of his attraction to men. If, however, you and your husband can integrate his attraction to men in a way that brings you closer and satisfies you both sexually, then enjoy! Sadly, most straight spouses are married to husbands who have little to no sexual attraction to his wife (her). Unlike you, a threesome with another man sometimes does very little to improve their troubled marriage. The threesome is more like opening a pink Pandora's box after which the formerly closeted husband starts brazenly cheating on her with men. So what's my point? You have gone above and beyond to help your husband. I hope he's putting in as much or more effort to support you and your marriage. I also hope that things work out between the two of you. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (March 27, 2024 5:00 am)