Hi Sean,
About three months ago I found an excessive collection of gay porn on my husband's phone. There was straight (M+F) porn, too. When I confronted him, he said that he thinks he is bi-sexual. He is 57 and says he has never been with a man sexually or romantically. He has a bit of a muscle worship fetish and says he is attracted to some guys at the gym and occasionally on the street, but claims it never goes beyond this physical/platonic attraction. Since we spoke, he also started reporting every time he sees an attractive woman. It feels like he is "keeping count" on how many women vs men he turned his head for. He wants to stay in our marriage and says that just talking about it with me helps him. I offered him to open up our relationship and start seeing other people, but he claims he has no urge in sleeping with guys (or other women). As we started talking over the last three months, it appears he does have a strong re-occurring cuckolding fantasy involving me and another guy, where the guy has to be the way he likes them (young and ripped) and not at all the way I like them (successful, smart and sophisticated). In general, I am open to mixing things up (fun!), but I just have a sinking feeling this may all be simply a drawn-out journey into the "gay-hood" and I am just there to hold his hand (not fun!). We entertained the idea of inviting a woman as a third and I feel like he is playing along but has a lot less interest/energy for this.

Thank you, Sean. Very helpful. I know I'm moving fast as I tend to be impatient. The rationale to open the relationship is not necessaril to save it, but rather put it through the test for both of us, if it makes sense. Plus I have to admit it does help re-kindle the fire, at least in theory. It's hot talking about having sex with other people. Yes, he was definitely noticing attractive women before we had the conversation. And he definitely has been initiating sex more often than I over the course of our relationship. And I have to admit, I did become more distant and busy at work pre-conversation. I think it may have increased the porn watching. Deep kissing has always puzzled me, he certainly isn't always using his tongue, only in moments of really heightened intimacy/passion.

Thank you Alex. In reply: 

1. I know I'm moving fast as I tend to be impatient. The rationale to open the relationship is not necessarily to save it, but rather put it through the test for both of us, if it makes sense. Plus I have to admit it does help re-kindle the fire, at least in theory. It's hot talking about having sex with other people.

I reckon it's always prudent to look before jumping my friend. This might be a good resource:

https://www.reddit.com/r/StraightBiPartners.
Based on what you've shared, you and your husband have only just started the conversation about his sexuality because you confronted him after finding gay porn on his phone. I would suggest working on your communication, and your husband working on his honesty, before opening up your relationship or having threesomes. I applaud you for being open-minded and perhaps even enthusiastic. However, I'd keep in mind that your husband has just begun to tread water as far as his sexuality is concerned. As such, pushing to open the relationship and/or having threesomes so soon would be a bit like asking a novice swimmer to dive off a 10 metre platform into a rushing river. Your marriage isn't going to end if you take 30-60 days to contact couples who have successfully navigated similar waters. 

2. Yes, he was definitely noticing attractive women before we had the conversation. And he definitely has been initiating sex more often than I over the course of our relationship.

Understood. This suggests he's more bisexual than gay if he has demonstrated an attraction to women, initiates sex, and enjoys sex with you. Most closeted gay men avoid sex with their wives/girlfriends. 

3. And I have to admit, I did become more distant and busy at work pre-conversation. I think it may have increased the porn watching.

I disagree. Society wrongly puts the onus on the wife/girlfriend to maintain the relationship and keep "her man's" sexual interest. It's bullshit. No one is so busy with work that they can't have sex for 5-10 mins; the average amount of time most couples copulate. As a couple, you both carry the burden of maintaining a healthy sex life. 

4. Deep kissing has always puzzled me, he certainly isn't always using his tongue, only in moments of really heightened intimacy/passion. He also tells me categorically that he has reflected on it since we spoke and he doesn't want to have sex with a guy, yet he accepts he is attracted. I'm not sure what to make of it.

Understood. There are two possibilities with regards to his statement: "I don't want to have sex with a guy."  

1. He's telling the truth. 
2. He's lying. 

Few straight spouses hear the truth from their closeted/questioning husbands. If I'm reading your posts correctly, you seem to want to force the issue by opening your marriage. Fair assumption? If yes, I advise caution my friend. Over the years I've exchanged countless posts with straight wives involved in threesomes with husbands + another man. They are often shocked and horrified to witness how much their husbands enjoy having sex with another man; more than with her at least. And these formerly timid husbands often demonstrate a level of sexual experience with men that cannot have been learned by just watching gay porn. Few straight spouses come away from male-female-male threesomes feeling happier and more secure in their marriages. I hope that helps friend. 

Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (February 21, 2024 8:09 am)

Hi! Thank you for your reply and I am very sorry for everything you had to go through with your husband. It couldn't have been easy, particularly with small children. If you don't mind me asking.. at any stage, while still trying to save your marriage and negotiating the ground rules with him, have you considered open relationship or simply living together as friends (e.g. separate rooms, etc.)? I'm just thinking that if your husband is clearly gay, isn't it unrealistic to expect him to NEVER seek physical contact (or other forms of intimacy) with men? Please don't be offended by my question, it is not based on research or experience, just on my own personal reasoning. I have heard opinions (on this forum) that MoMs only work if they are monogamous, but I just can't get my head around full and perpetual monogamy in these situations. Essentially, asking a gay man to not sleep with men would be like asking him to exercise celibacy. It is possible, but hard and has to be a deeply personal choice. My husband identifies as bisexual (only three months after "coming-out"), we have great and regular sex, I never caught him cheating, he is not asking for open relationship, but even then... I doubt he/we can perpetually avoid ALL intimate male contact. Whether it is watching porn, having an occasional massage, hook ups or full-blown affair - I don't know where his needs might stop, but I feel like I am just going to have to be ok with it if I am to seriously consider staying with him. I also realise that his discovery of same-sex attraction can progress gradually or happen entirely spontaneously. There's just no way to predict these things. And if I can't be ok with this situation, I need to leave. It seems unfair to me to put all the responsibility for the relationship on him. Please do share your thoughts, I might be entirely delusional, it is all very new for me.

Me too. We all are different, and complicated, and I’m with the kids and their “no labels” campaign. But trust is a different thing, and betrayal. Very hard to rebuild. Sending all my best to you.

Last edited by RoseColoredGlasses (March 11, 2024 6:55 pm)