Man, that really sucks. Being bi/gay is a lot less of an issue that lack of disclosure... I know this can happen to me, too,but I really hope it doesn't

Thank you for sharing Alex and Rose. You've reminded me that most gay/straight marriages are pretty God-awful, even before taking into consideration his sexual confusion. Sadly, questions about his sexuality often distract from the main issues:
 
1. The couple no longer has sex. 
2. The questioning/closeted husband rarely initiated sex and never seemed to enjoy it. 
3. He is often emotionally distant or perhaps abusive. 
4. He's cheating on her, with men. 
5. He now spends all of his time traveling for work and/or with a new male best "friend." 

Rose would you mind providing an update regarding your situation: separated; divorcing; living together/apart? I'm sure the countless women who are reading this thread would like to hear from a wife/mother with your experience. 

Last edited by Sean01 (March 5, 2024 3:20 am)

NEW PODCAST: If you would like to be interviewed for a new podcast about mixed orientation marriages/separations/divorces, please send me a direct message via the site. All genders and sexual orientations welcome. 

Thank you for writing Alex. In reply: 

1. Having been on this site for a few weeks, I can't help but notice just how much PAIN people are going through: obvious pain from most women (and some men - i.e. straight partners) who post here, but also the pain and desperation that their partners and ex-partners had gone through. 

True! 

2. My road so far has not been tainted with lies or infidelity (yes, I went through Sean's checklist). My husband is on a very intense journey of self-discovery through therapy, self-reflection and conversations with me and others close to him. He is uncovering stories of emotional neglect and sexual abuse, as well as clear signs of same-sex attraction in the past and present. Some of those discoveries are INCREDIBLY hard for him to accept.

There appear to be major differences between your situation and the vast majority of straight spouses posting here, namely:

- You and your husband have an active sex life. 
- He has clearly demonstrated an attraction to you and to women in general. 
- He hasn't cheated on you. 
- He's being open and honest with you. 
 
Most of the wives I've interacted with here haven't had sex with their husbands in years, he appears to be gay-in-denial with zero attraction to women, he cheated with men, and continues to lie to himself and his wife about his sexuality. Put bluntly, your husband is a unicorn whereas most straight spouses are married to toads. 

3. Our psyche's defense mechanisms can be very strong and internalized homophobia is very real. It is made harder for him that some of those discoveries (like the same-sex attraction, in particular) provoke knee-jerk negative emotional reactions in me (hello, my own hidden homophobia!). As much as I try to mask my negative emotions - he is an empath and feels my feelings even before I do. 

Again, he appears to be among a small minority of bisexual husbands who care about you and your feelings; unicorn vs. toad. 

4. Needless to say, I am in A LOT of pain, too. When I sit and reflect on it, my pain is not due to his neglect or lying. It is due to my own social constructs falling apart - and with them my Ego.  It's all great supporting anything non-heteronormative when it is somewhere out there, but reconciling my history, love, affection and feeling of security I have next to him with his same-sex attraction is totally different.  

Understood. 

5. I might be reading this wrong, but it appears to me that the general narrative/advice to women here is - "LEAVE". Leaving relationships has never been a problem for me as I am fiercely independent. I have been a thriving single mum for many years before I met him, and I have a good and fulfilling career.

I respectfully disagree. Most of the women I've interacted with here over the years are initially focused on "making it work"; often at great personal sacrifice. She does research on mixed orientation marriages, books couples counselling appointments (which he reluctantly attends), and tries things "he likes" such as pegging in the bedroom. Sadly, if her husband is gay and demonstrates gay-in-denial personality disorders, the relationship rarely improves because he simply has no sexual attraction to his wife...nor women in general. Unlike you, many straight spouses are financially dependent on their husbands which precludes her from exploring separation/divorce. So again the facts suggest you are among a small minority of financially independent wives married to bisexual husbands. So we're back to unicorns vs. toads.    

6. Yet, I choose to sit in this Pain with him - at least for now. I know that one way or another I will come out of this pain a better person: more open-minded, spiritual, loving, flexible and stronger. My Ego will get a shake-up and the neat little boxed I used to package my reality into will be destroyed. The world will become bigger and I will be freer. I believe that our souls have no gender or sexual orientation. We just have male and female energies in each of us and they dance a beautiful dance called human relationship, if we care to notice the beauty.  

I'd caution you friend that you might be in the "pink cloud" of discovery. Following discovery of a husband's gay porn viewing or cheating (with men), there often follows a 3-4 month honeymoon phase. And by "honeymoon" I mean a short and intense period of better communication and sex. With closeted/gay husbands the honeymoon rarely lasts and he's back on porn, Grindr, and cheating after a few months. So what's my point? If a husband is bisexual, honest, and mentally stable the relationship will continually improve. If however a husband is gay-in-denial, deceptive, and emotionally unstable then the relationship continues to devolve. Again we might be comparing unicorns (your relationship) to toads (most gay/straight relationships).     

7. Sending lots of love to you all! I hope this painful human experience we all are going through will be seen in a different light sometime in the future and people will find the "collateral beauty" in it.

Thank you. I'd encourage you to continue posting updates here over the coming months. For every straight spouse posting here, there are hundreds following your journeys. 

=====================================
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Last edited by Sean01 (March 5, 2024 3:15 am)

RoseColoredGlasses wrote:

I’m not sure what happened here - someone posted asking Sean about being the boyfriend who the cheating husband wasn’t showing up for all the time; that post was taken down, I assume because this is a space for the women on the other side, but then - a chill, Why? .

I deleted the post because this is not a forum for the gay lovelorn. I did not delete the account. He is more than welcome to send Sean a private message. Why the "chill"? I have no idea. Seems I've been fighting off 20 to 40 spammers who register each day and not a lot of new posts from legitimate members. I think in part this format is becoming obsolete.