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- LostAtSea
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Elle,
I haven’t been on the forum posting in awhile, but I do read it often when I need some support and encouragement to know I’m not alone.
I wanted to say I am so proud of you taking these steps!
It’s hard to pull the trigger but when you do, nothing stops the flood.
You can do it! Hugs!
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
LostAtSea wrote:
It’s hard to pull the trigger but when you do, nothing stops the flood.
You can do it! Hugs!
Thanks Lost 
it's been a journey, I'm almost through what has been the biggest storm I've been in.
And that's all I'll say because it's not quite over yet and I don't want to get ahead of myself...and won't believe I'm through it until...well, I'm not really sure!
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Saw my lawyer today. She asked me to get more bank statements, which was easy because her office is just round the corner from the bank. This is to check if A. has any account that money from our joint account is going into. She'll work it all out and come up with a proposal but this is a man who's getting good money, and will work til he drops so she may ask for more for me. And I feel sort of....wrong?....about it all. I know I shouldn't but I feel like I'm....oh! I don't know....like a bad person. I know I'm not!!!
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
You know Elle I had to go to the bank the other day.
The same bank where I started my journey. The same bank where I sat in tears opening my own bank account..feeling disloyal, sneaky, unkind..but reminding myself at that time that it was necessary and morally just as my GX was sneaking around doing all kinds of things. I had my lawyer and priest telling me I was not a bad person.
I was ok this day..just thinking where would I be if I only listened to her who really harbored hatred and hurt of me.
You are not wrong. These spouses divorced us long ago on some fundamental moral level. Actions taken to get away from them to stop the hurt are merely pomp and circumstance.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Anon2222
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
I am still in the process of sorting out the divorce settlement. I keep going back and forth on spousal support. He makes twice what I do, my lifestyle is built on the dual income, and I have significant expenses related to my health (and I am going to lose his benefits, so I will now have to pay out of pocket for everything). I am not eligible for my own benefits (believe me, I have tried).
And yet....somehow....I still feel guilty and wrong for requesting spousal support. And feel like I should accept the lowest amount for the shortest period....
It really is the strangest feeling.
- lily
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Maybe it's strange feeling because it's always been you doing the giving - well we've all heard the saying a relationship needs give and take, so now it's the taking bit.
I wanted what was fair, my lawyer told me and then I conceded more to get him to sign off. So learning from that experience my suggestion is to start by asking for more than your fair share.
This is the tough yards, wishing you both the best of luck.
- MJM017
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Anon and all who wrestle with these financial issues, take what you honestly know is your fair share factoring in unpaid but valuable labor like housework, cooking, bill paying. I'd throw in a percentage of future joint income which you will not have access to after the divorce.
Emotions over money don't change overnight. Feel weird but ask for the money anyway. You can always give it back after the divorce if you think the settlement was unfair to your ex-partner.
One of the many positive lessons I learned from this was the bad girl (or boy) police do not exist. No one will arrest you if you're not nice.
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
Rob, Anon, Lily and Mj....
Rob....yes, I too have thought "where would I be in 5 years if I don't make the break now?" (I read your comment in Fcl's thread. Good advice Rob)
Anon....we have a good health system here, I empathise with your situation. Yeah isn't it crazy to feel like we're less as far as asking for more goes!
Lily...I think it's simply the good ole ".....I've never really contributed financially so don't feel I deserve more". My lawyer said there's a discrepancy of about $25.000 with me getting less of course. My heads just not shaped to cope with all the numbers lol
Mj.... I commented to the lawyer that my life insurance (which A has always paid into) could be transferred into our children's names.
"no one will arrest you if you're not nice" I like that
E
KIA KAHA
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Thread Starter- LostAtSea
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Re: 2022 was a fucked-up year
This is what helped me for settlement…
I was willing to be “nice” and not take more than my fair share; however after I uncovered more deceit, lies, sexting, etc…. the gloves came off. Blowing up my world with no remorse and a coward to face me.
Divorce is a business transaction. Treat it like one to set yourself up for YOUR future. I didn’t pull discovery bc I thought even after all the deceit there surely wouldn’t be missing money right? Shame on me for being fooled again. I totally recommend to pull discovery before a divorce settlement.
And when you deceive someone for more than 16 years, you deserve more than half! I said this straight to the mediator to preface the meeting. Three rounds and I didn’t back down! If you can negotiate future bonuses and earnings that would help you for a few years.
I didn’t have a lawyer bc I was in a weird situation on my ask for the settlement. I did consult with many lawyers before given the advice to mediate.
You don’t know someone till you divorce them. I totally believe this.
Good Luck!