This is my first post. I've read a few posts and I've listened to the entire podcast. I'm writing this while going between feeling numb and crying uncontrollably so if I sound detached, that's why.

I need to start with our story. My wife is my best friend. For me it was love at first sight. I moved across the country for college to Minneapolis, MN. I'd never been to MN and I didn't know a single person. I met and talked to several people when I got to campus but then I looked up and saw her through a window and I was stricken. We met each other and talked flirtatiously a few times but never really got to know each other until the spring. Finally I saw her in a hallway late at night while she was talking to a friend. I decided to wait until she was done talking to him. I had to give it a shot. We walked around the city for hours, talking. A few weeks later we went on a date and started spending a lot of time together. Six weeks later I left school for the summer. We held each other and she walked away crying. I knew I was in love with her and 2 weeks later I asked her to marry me over a phone call. She said yes and we got married 6 months later.

We had a rocky relationship for a number of reasons. Lots of childhood trauma for both of us. Religious trauma and indoctrination. A lot of trying to do the things we "should" to be good Christians and have a good life and marriage. We had 6 kids. She was pregnant or nursing for over 16 years without interruption. It was hard. We fought, we were often unhappy, but we stuck with it because we loved each other. Truly, honestly, loved each other. It's been 23 years.

My wife came out to me as not straight about 21 months ago. I had thought she might be bisexual because I knew she had some attraction to women, but we had an active sexual relationship and she expressed enjoyment and desire for me often. As a Christian she was taught her attraction to women was a temptation, some inclination toward a certain sin that she needed to ignore, pray about, and live a holy life and it would go away. She didn't understand who she was. She was disconnected from her body from cultural and religious influences, etc. But 21 months ago she figured it out. 

I asked if she wanted to stay together and she said yes, so I was immediately supportive. I looked at this as her opening up to me, letting me know her in a more in-depth way. I embraced it. I thought maybe she had this additional attraction and I wanted to figure out ways for her to find fulfillment. I never imagined she wasn't attracted to me. I thought we could share in this new adventure for her (not in a creepy or fetishized way, but I thought we were together in it). She made it clear that wasn't going to happen. We had the period of tons of crazy sex right after she disclosed for a couple of weeks. Sex then dwindled from twice a week to once every 3-4 weeks or longer. She told me she was a lesbian, but wasn't completely sure yet.  That changed things for me, but since she wasn't sure I decided to stay positive and optimistic. I've tried to give her space and time to work things out and understand herself. This past summer I resigned myself to us only being friends and that gave her the space she felt she needed. We've had sex maybe 8 times this year. She says she has to turn off part of herself to be with me.

Every few weeks the loneliness and loss gets to be too much for me and I start an argument about it. It's not on purpose. I know I lose perspective and forget about her side of things. I know that's not fair to her and I never want to hurt her feelings. I'm just SO sad. I miss her with all of my being. She's my person, you know? And she's right there, but she's grieving and angry and sad and confused and lonely and her needs aren't being met either. She's right there but I feel like there's this chasm between us and I can't stop thinking about how to bridge it.

Last weekend was our 23rd anniversary. We started having a conversation on Saturday that quickly turned into an awful argument. Partly because of how we both communicate, partly because I'm so angry and lonely and sad. I said it wasn't working for me, trying to change our marriage into a friendship. I couldn't do it anymore. We talked about divorce and kind of settled on that. Then we cried and held each other for an hour. She told me if I found someone before we separated she wanted me to go for it, that i deserved to be happy. I thanked her (it was a kind and authentic gesture) but couldn't reciprocate. I'm not interested in finding someone else and can't think about her being with someone else. I just can't, it's soul-crushing thinking of not being with her.

Then on Sunday we talked more. She wanted to figure out how to make it work. She asked for time for her to figure it out. I agreed. We talked about it again last night and I found that I'd essentially blocked out that we'd talked about divorce the week before. I couldn't remember the conversation besides the early argument, crying and holding each other. 

I've never hurt this badly. I've been depressed much of my adult life, I've lived through trauma and abuse/neglect, I've gone through some awful crap I don't need to share here. This is breaking me. It's not fair that two people can love each other so much and be incompatible. It's like some cruel joke. I love her with all my heart. I love our family, I love our kids and don't want them to be hurt. I don't want her to be judged by family or friends for our marriage failing. I don't want her to have to come out publicly if she doesn't want to. I don't want our kids to be angry at either of us for this. Mostly I want to finally get to be happy with the woman I've shared 23 years with after working through so much together. I want the next 23 years to be full of love and kindness and happiness and peace. 

I've read and heard a lot of stories where people either divorce, stay together in a platonic marriage, open their marriage up to other partners, or stay legally married but live separate lives. I haven't heard of anyone making it work where they stay married in a romantic, intimate, sexually fullfilling marriage for both partners. I haven't heard of people in a MOM staying in love and being happy. Does that happen? Is it possible? Or am I hoping for what everyone else hopes for and doesn't find?