SameDeepWaterAsPhil wrote:

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Welcome to our Forum Deepwater
There are many different people here, from many countries with all kinds of situations to process and work through. It's one of the hardest things to have happen and this Forum is the only place I've found where I'm totally understood and able to understand what the straightspouse is going through

Elle
 

Hi SameDeepWaterAsPhil,

I do understand your situation and how hard this is (for both of you). 
Your current situation is very difficult, how you feel resembles a crisis I found myself in years ago. I felt like Job, and that is an accurate description.
You may find it useful to read my story, also what my wife wrote about it from her view. 

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=1931

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=2114

It's quite a lot to read it's impossible to write all that happened and was of importance in one post, so parts of the info is somewhat scattered through the topics. But feel free to ask questions when things aren't clear.

Going on the info in your post, I get the impression you (both) struggled with real "acceptance" of your wife's sexual orientation. Religious reasons seemingly played an important role in that. That's a shame because acceptance is a very important aspect to find your way forward.
At the same time "not-accepting" is a negative factor, actively deepening the problems. So when your wife came to the conclusion that "SSA is not a sin, but a blessing from God", is rather a good thing if that means she is really accepting herself and coming to peace with her sexual orientation. Calling SSA on itself a "blessing" is somewhat far stretched, but it's certainly a blessing she accepts it.

However, "acceptance" is not the same as "acting on it". Having a sexual orientation is no choice, but acting on it certainly is a choice. So this is very different in nature.
This may sound like "you can be it, but not do it", but this is not what I mean. For in the context of a MOM, acting on SSA feelings by definition means adultery. So, the consideration not acting on SSA is motivated by being faithful to the marriage and the biblical meaning of marriage. This distinction is important: It's not about supposed sin of SSA, but it's about adhering to the beauty and importance of marriage.
This way, dealing with SSA is not about a wall between your wife and God, nor a wall between your wife and you, but you choose for a wall around your marriage. Resulting in very different dynamic how you both navigate your way in your MOM. A relation where both can be themselves and where is openness and communication without fear. This is what you hoped to achieve 10 years ago, but which is impossible without real absolute (self)acceptance.

Some time ago I described some aspects how our christian faith played a role for us:

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=22473#p22473

I hope you find reading about our experience helpful.

Dutchman.

Dutchman,
I want to thank you again for addressing my situation in such open & vulnerable depth with your own story. It is almost too much for me to hope that my situation could possibly turn out as positively as yours. Still, I pray that we can somehow approach it, with God's grace. A question for you, though, that perhaps you'd rather answer in a private message: did your wife ever claim that she was emotionally disconnected from you during the early stage of your marriage "healing" process? If so, how did you repair that breach? My wife has said that a year ago, (when she fully disclosed being lesbian), her connectedness with me was a 2 on a scale of 10. She now feels that after a year of marriage counseling, it is a 4 of 10. She considers that progress. I do, too, but it still seems very low to me after 3 decades together. I realize there's no "one size fits all" solution here, but how did you improve that connectedness enough that your wife was not only emotionally drawn to you, but physically as well? I'm struggling with this so much. Thank you, again!

SameDeepWaterAsPhil wrote:

Thank you, Elle! I'm playing catch up here--it's been a week! I hope you'll feel free to offer whatever advice you may have for us. Thanks, again!

 
This situation plays on every part of a straightspouses life... Emotional, financial, historical, family, children, f'ships. It's a cruel situation for both, both hurt, both lose out.
I've been stuck in it for 5 years so have processed a lot and made decisions. Still together with my partner of 37 years but no longer working on The Relationship. Just surviving.

Elle

Hi Deepwater, this is a little hard to find the words for but my sense of things is that in a marriage we are creating an emotional cup.  The way you describe your wife shows a depth of loving feelings and yet you are also describing a growing reservoir of intensely hurt feelings.

and this is the emotional crisis you are facing as an individual, within your family situation.

rule number one of crisis times is to give yourself a hug.  Put your arm round yourself, be your own best friend for a while.  Gives you a chance to find your feet.  Best thing you can do for everybody.