I disagree with Grace in regard to an open relation as "the only way". Maybe this applies to her situation, but it's certainly not the case in general. In our MOM We went for the monogamous route, and it worked. Also being in a MOM doesn't imply a "sexless relation".  These things are choices people make, and some make other choices than others. It depends solely on the individuals concerned what path they choose in life and marriage.

In the same line of thought, there is no force that rules all. Like: "oh, when you're gay you must behave/do like the others". I do think that this believes acts like a self-fulfilling prophecy that can work like a trap. One has to be aware of the "scripts" that surround and influence us.  It's not easy to think independently, determine your own way forward, being stubborn and choosing a direction that goes against the main stream of thoughts. Mind you, this independent way of looking at things, is not only a hurdle for the gay spouse, but for the straight as well.
I think for most people it takes years to reach that freedom of thinking. For me/us it was no different, and thus it was a struggle of years to unlearn what we thought (subconsciously pressed upon us by culture/society whatever) and find/form our own path together.

Things like: when someone is gay, they can never be content in a relation with someone of the opposite sex. 
The straight spouse will never be good enough and is not really wanted/desired.
Someday it will blow up and the real nature of things will out.
Etc.

Sure, these line of events can take place, but only if the whole situation isn't handled in a honest and open way. For repression and hiding aren't the solution. Neither when external pressure or wrong reasons (financial or circumstances like that) are the real base. If that's in it, things won't go right. And well, maybe love was superficial and truthfulness was never real from one side. When that's the case it's hard to accept, but it's better now than later to come out.
Saying that, the meaning of REAL LOVE, and understanding the concept of it is very important.
We just returned from a trip to the US, and heared the "I love you" is so fast and easily said, that the meaning of it somewhat gets hollow. It's become a phrase, not a conviction and certainty you can build on like a rock.

Life puts you and your spouse in trouble, and you both have to deal with very strong emotions and feelings. No doubt about that, and finding yourself in a MOM highlight that to the max I would say. Probably one of the most challenging things a marriage can encounter. It means you have to really understand love, and what feelings mean, and what sexuality is, and how you relate that all to your marriage.
That is quite task of learning. And you have to communicate about it a lot! And help and support each other through it. It is a quest into the unknown and a demanding adventure like no other. Only if both are willing to undertake that kind of task, you'll have a fighting chance to get there.
But when you do, the reward is there also, for you'll know you've found and share real love. But it's no Hollywood story, it takes work and suffering to get there. Probably you'll have bruises and scares as a witness of the journey.
So BOTH have to want that, willingly and voluntarily. Because you love each other and want to be true for what you really are. 

Take notice of that last sentence. It means being authentic. 
There are two paths one can go by. Two interpretations of it, as you will. What means "being authentic" to you, to your spouse? For it is this conviction that forms the base of your decisions and way forward together.
Is "being authentic" just pursuing sexual preference, or is it pursuing what you deem to have more importance and the beauty of it (expressed in the other). When you find the latter, it tips the scale.
The sexual fulfillment is found for both, whatever (other) preferences also exist next to it. Which is also totally accepted and in the open. Not problematic, but rather the opposite. Even in a monogamous relation.

Last edited by Dutchman (May 23, 2022 10:41 am)

My spouse came out as transgender in 2020. Dealing with their transition is literally one day at a time for me. I care about them and want to stay, but there are days when they make it a lot more difficult than it needs to be. For instance, this evening they insisted I stay and listen to Fresh Air's interview with a transgendered author, and while I tried to hear it I simply wasn't able to get the same insights out of it that they were getting. This made them upset with me and I left the room. Just now, it occurred to me that while they are claiming they are becoming the woman they are meant to be, they are still trying to exert male privilege and attempting to control me, as the wife in the relationship.

They cannot have it both ways. I would not have put up with that kind of treatment if my spouse weren't transgender. I shouldn't have to tolerate it just because they are.

Dutchman, thank you for your kindness in your reply. I have been able to receive small glimmers of hope through all of this uncertainty, and your response to my post is among those glimmers. I especially appreciate your sentiments of thinking independently and being willing to forge the path that is right for only us, together. It will be a real challenge to find a community that will support what *we* want, regardless of how it appears to others. Thank you for voicing this concern -- I intuited its existence, but I'm not experienced enough to say it with confidence.

We have a precious few family members and friends who know and are supporting us on this journey. We have faced this boxing in first hand with a few of our family. Those whose primary support is of my husband can not conceive of a future for him with me. He's gay. He obviously can't stay married to you. (They have not said this overtly, but their expressions of support absolutely convey this message.) Pressures are everywhere. Questions and second-guessers are vocal. I even at times wonder if he will find full acceptance in the LGBTQ2S+ community while he remains with me; he already feels like a freak enough on his own, because of his own self-accusing voice. He doesn't need more boxing in, exclusion,  or judgement -- much the opposite.

I think it's true that so many people who have needed to walk this path have arrived here by means of very serious manipulation, violence, harm, trauma, and heartache. The stories are heart-rending, and I've debated whether I even have a voice here. He has not been unfaithful to me; he has not, up to now, been badly harmed by anyone, (He does have harmful theology to unravel and his spiritual pain is very profound.) But he didn't spend years living a double life, or lying to me. The trauma inflicted on me was his coming out. Nothing more, nothing less.

His own trauma is the result of years of repression which developed into self-hate and layers and layers of shame and a very real sense that he is worthless. Like most of the spouses in his situation, he has hidden this pain very well.

Which also means he has lived most of his journey up to this point by himself, without me as a partner, supportive or otherwise. (We are right now working hard at being invitational toward one another into more and more areas of our lives to help undo this "solo" approach to self-discovery.)

Please understand that, just like everyone reading this, there is more to our story than what is presented here. But to be general, in so many ways, we have a fighting chance. All the same, I am shattered, and both of us are falling apart, completely unravelled by this.

Authenticity is exactly what he seeks. This journey of self-discovery and healing will hopefully help him know who he is and what living authentically really means. I pray that the latter definition is what he finds to be the most rewarding and truthful, as that is where our future together would be.

Dutchman, I deeply want to continue the conversation. May I ask how long you are into your journey with your significant other? Thank you again.