I don't normally do this but I feel it's necessary under the circumstances. This was recently posted by a new member about her Mixed Orientation Marriage (or "MOM"). Please see the MOM section to comment and support. For those who are new here, MOMs are marriages between a straight spouse, often a straight wife, and a gay/bi/questioning husband. Here is the post: 

"2012 my husband told me he was gay. We stayed together as he said he had been faithful. All went ok till 2018 when he had some sort of breakdown. He started visiting gay bars ,unknown to me -at first.He said he wanted to his feel like part of that community for a  bit. Just for the socialising side. I had an emotional breakdown which led to a physical breakdown . I was in a terrible state, had to have numerous hospital appointments to put right what had happened because of it and could not go to work for 4 months. I've never had a day off before. When  I recovered I put in boundaries and said he was not to go anymore .The only way he could go to those places is if we weren't together I said. He agreed to this as he saw how ill it had made me. A couple of months later we had a totally unrelated argument,I went out with a friend and I found out he had gone again . I was livid ,threatened to leave and he was sorry - again. Problem is that I still feel completely betrayed and in trauma still from it. I still have triggers also which make me very upset. We have now agreed on putting the app as to where he is at all times on his phone. What I want to know is - am I ever going to be able to trust again after promising me faithfully he wouldn't visit them again - but then he did. I feel like all trust is gone. I don't  like going out myself as I don't know where he is and I don't like him going out also as I don't know where he has gone. This a terrible way for me to be and can't imagine it ever being ok again." 

If you submitted this post and want me to take it down, please message me and/or post below and I'll delete this post immediately. I've been sharing/posting here for years and I myself was in a very unhappy MOM of my own for 18 long months. We eventually separated/divorced. There appear to be two (2) camps when it comes to MOMs: 

1. Those who are 100% against them (like me)
2. And those who are 100% for them (see the MOM section or visit Reddit for supporters)

Rather than share my opinion, I want to share the facts. And the facts remain largely undisputed. Once a husband comes out as queer/questioning, most MOMs end in divorce. I've also found that the burden of saving the marriage bizarrely shifts to the straight wife! The above post shares a common pattern: 

- Husband nervously comes out (as gay, bi, or perhaps questioning) or his wife finds proof of cheating/gay porn
- Husband swears he's never been unfaithful or that it happened "once" (which is complete horsesh*t)
- The couple doubles down on the relationship (a honeymoon phase) often with renewed intimacy
- Couples counselling and medication often begin
- She often starts tracking him and/or policing his "gay" tendencies
- Honeymoon ends (no intimacy) and he gets caught "doing gay stuff" again
- They both start breaking down emotionally & physically
- She hints at separation/divorce
- He shares that he was sexually abused (link to my previous exchanges with various members discussing questioning husbands and abuse: https://bit.ly/3lwMV2a) 

My heterosexual marriage operated a lot like a barbecue: she did 90% of the work; I did 10% and yet I got 100% of the praise. Whenever we'd have a barbecue, my (then) wife: cleaned the house, did all the shopping, laid out a beautiful table, made the salad/fixings, and made dessert. I barbecued various meats - that she laid out by the way - for 20 minutes and somehow received most of the accolades/applause. Similarly, once a husband openly starts questioning his sexuality, his wife does 90% of the heavy lifting: reading; posting here; attempts at renewed intimacy; booking counselling appointments; and more. 

So what's my point? Whether we agree with mixed orientation or not, we've all been through a MOM stage or we will all find ourselves in a MOM. And most MOMs do fail, at a higher rate than most heterosexual marriages. While there exists a loud minority of MOM pushers who blue-sky these kinds of relationships, my wife found little joy in acting like my counsellor/probation officer. Not surprisingly, hearing your husband say, "I like d*ck and think about it all the time" does little to increase her happiness. I'm simply trying to urge straight spouses to let their questioning husbands take the lead on saving the relationship. After all, he's the one f*cking it up so he should take responsibility for un-f*cking it. End of rant! 

Last edited by Sean (October 16, 2021 6:43 am)

Thanks for posting friend. If you have any questions for a gay ex-husband, feel free to post them here. Be well! 

Thanks Hope. Here is a link to that podcast/interview: podcast link. Let me know your thoughts when you've finished and feel free to post anything, particularly if you disagree with me. I think a good debate and different points of view should be shared here. 

Speaking of the podcast, I read the following post from Confusedseas. 

"I've [been] with my husband (53 yrs old) for nine years and we've been married four out of those nine years.  I'm 43...through out relationship there has been many red flags but he always gave me what I considered plausible answers.  The explanations were just enough to satisfy me.  Those red flags included an obsession/porn addiction that focused on the male body, a large number of gay friends or male friends who didn't come around much unless I was out of town (I travel for work frequently) and just an overall lifestyle that seemed to focus on gay culture.  He was obsessed with gay underwear, etc.  He always told me that he looked at these things because he wanted his body to look like the models...Every time I asked or confronted him about it, there was denial.  To complicate things, my husband was raped as a child by an older man.  Any time I discussed or questioned his sexuality, he said that it was "too much to discuss" due to the trauma, or "he couldn't be gay" and that he's tried to put that trauma behind him.  When I brought up these questions, I was reminding him of what happened."

And another from ExHoGrindrEndedMyMarriage: 

"I found his Grindr [a gay hook-up application] acc and he lost it, got really aggressive and crossed the line physically. He denied being gay/bi or any interest in men romantically/ sexually, even though he has used Grindr and other apps like Jackd/scruff/hornet etc..for years. After I said I was leaving he said he was sexually assaulted by a slightly older male child when he was very young. He said it was all about control for him but he used it days before our wedding and as soon as he could after, put pressure on me to have children, let his family cross boundaries and just became so cold."

This is something podcast host Kristin K. and I discussed extensively during my recent interview. If you'd like to hear about gay men claiming childhood sexual abuse and how this can, in rare cases, be yet another manipulation, we discuss this at around the 1 hour mark (1h03mins to be exact). Click here to listen to the podcast. I'll reach out to the above members so that they can hopefully comment/share about their experiences. 

If any straight spouses have any comments about the above or you just have general questions for a gay ex-husband, please post them here. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (October 26, 2021 7:41 am)

Here is a link to my recent podcast/interview which I've referenced below. Thank you for writing Katie and welcome to the forum. Please see the OurPath/SSN "First Aid Kit" for support. In reply: 

1. Hi Sean. I am new here. I have been married to my husband for 28 years and we have 4 children. My husband stopped having sex with me in 1999. He said he had erectile dysfunction and the medication did not work for him.

I'm sorry you've been sexless for so many years as I consider it a form of abuse. With regards to erectile dysfunction (ED) medication, ED meds only work if the man is naturally aroused. Without any natural arousal, no amount of Viagra is gonna get it up. 

2. I was devastated by this in the beginning but I just carried on with my busy life!

Sorry you went through this. Again, sexual starvation is a form of abuse. 

3. I asked if he was gay and he firmly denied it.

This is common. 

4. For the most part we have had a relationship full of respect and love without sex.

Bullsh*t! These kinds of statements are often followed by a horrifying grocery list of sexual neglect, lies, cheating, and emotional abuse. Many straight wives write, "He's my best friend" and then detail horrifying relationships. As such, I'd challenge you to define what "love" means to you. I reckon it doesn't mean lies, blame shifting, and emotional abuse. 

5. In May of this year, I discovered his secret second phone. I found many conversations with gay men complete with dick pics and graphic descriptions. It is clear that they video cam and talk on the phone. That is all I know for sure.

I'm sorry he's been acting this way. This isn't "love" nor "respect" by my definition. 

6. Over the years, some people have suggested that he may be gay and he has always denied it. He is not athletic and likes gardening and decorating.

Common pink flags. 

7. Now for the tricky part! He claims that he is not gay. He only seeks out online sex with men when he is depressed, vulnerable, miserable, overwhelmed.

Ohhhh poor baby. So rather than eating a bag of Oreo cookies when he's feeling down like the rest of us, he turns to d*ck? That makes ZERO sense. I'm not making light of your situation my friend. I'm trying to highlight the twisted logic of the gay-in-denial husband (GIDH). If I see someone chowing down on a beef burger, they can't claim to be a "vegetarian." Similarly, I have every right to question a man's sexuality if he's been eating at the "all d*ck buffet" for years. Pathological liars, cheaters, and manipulators have ZERO credibility when talking about their own sexuality.     

8. He say it is just an "escape." He says he gets no joy out of it and feels dirty and disgusting afterwards. But he has been doing it for at least 24 years!

This I have compassion/understanding for because I do believe he feels dirty/disgusting, likely because he was raised in an anti-gay environment. As such, he was likely raised to think gay men and gay sex were evil. However, this doesn't excuse how he's been abusing/neglecting you for your entire marriage.  

9. He says he has no interest in dating a man or sharing his life with a man.

This is a very common denial pattern for closeted gay men who were raised in anti-LGBTQ communities/home environments. I often refer to these men as sexually gay and yet emotionally straight. The can no longer deny that they're having gay/virtual sex because the evidence is overwhelming, however, they cling to a heteronormantive identity by denying they want a relationship with another man. It's just more mental gymnastics to deny their homosexuality.   

10. I have listened to your podcast 2 times today! I had to laugh out loud because recently my husband has purchased new tight underwear, shaved his chest hair, started working out a lot, got a new hairstylist...

Here is a link to that podcast S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath. Skip to 01:15:55 for the "how to know your husband is cheating" discussion. Based on my experience and based on years of posting here, for me this means he is looking for a long-term gay partner...despite saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship with another man. He believes the physical transformation is necessary to attract a male/mate. 

11. ...and just last week told me a story about him being sexually abused by his brother's friend in the powder room of his house when he was 10 years old!  Every single thing you said men in his position do!! Textbook!!

Here again is a link to that podcast S4 Ep 3: A “Narcissist in Recovery” Gets Real - OurPath. Skip to 01:03:07 for the "my husband claims sexual abuse made him gay" discussion. Most questioning/gay-in-denial husbands bring up a sexual abuse history when their wives are seriously considering separation/divorce. I personally believe there are two possibilities: 1. his claims of sexual abuse are true/accurate: 2. his claims of sexual abuse are false or exaggerated and just represent his final attempt to re-assert control over his wife/marriage. Regardless, when a questioning or sexually confused husband claims sexual abuse, he needs to go to counselling ALONE. Couples counselling won't help him heal from sexual trauma, whether real or fabricated. 

12. Even still, I love my family and don't want to blow it up.

Well he's certainly blown things up...and continues to do so! There comes a point in most gay/straight marriages where the straight wife has to separate/divorce to survive. 

13. I am so confused about how to think/feel about this. 

I can imagine and I'm so sorry you're suffering my friend. 

14. His therapist is now saying that the sexual abuse may be leading him to seek these encounters with men because he wanted to escape then and that is how his brain deals with any situation where he wants to escape. Do you have any thoughts?

I believe this theory is called "trauma reenactment." It's the idea that straight men do gay things because they're "returning to the scene of the crime" so to speak. I'm not going to comment on this theory because I'm not a mental health professional and I respect survivors of childhood sexual abuse. But I'm happy to share my thoughts on gay-in-denial liars, namely: 

- He's likely feeding you this information, rather than his therapist, so he's giving you his version which boils down to: "I'm gay because I'm a victim so YOU [my wife] need to be more forgiving and supportive...and by the way we can't talk about my c*ck obsession because that's too triggering. I'M THE VICTIM!" which is, of course, pure horsesh*t. 
- It's a pipe dream to think that by working through his "trauma" (whether real or fabricated), this will somehow transform a sh*tty husband into a prince charming and sexual dynamo. It ain't gonna happen. Don't take my word for it, read this post from a straight spouse who lived through this very situation. 
- Many gay/closeted/questioning men who feel overwhelming shame about their attraction to men transform stories of consensual sexual play or, later, teen/college-aged gay sexual exploration (again consensual) into stories of sexual abuse because this fits their narrative that "I can't be gay."   

15. Thank you for the work you are doing!

No my friend, thank YOU for staying strong in such a challenging environment. Straight wives like you are incredibly strong and deserve so much more than these sh*tty and emotionally unstable husbands. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean (October 29, 2021 12:23 am)

Hi Sean…

Funny my GIDH’s name is Sean.. lol…

My story and experience with him is almost verbatim of your experience, except he is still in the closet…. I have suffered through every stage of his gayness…. We met in 1990 at 18 years old and I became pregnant a year later, and so our family life began…. Mid thirty’s he went exactly what you went through…. We had “normal” sex up until then… he became depressed, suicidal and picked up a nasty cocaine and drinking habit….  Long story short after finding all of the gay porn , Craig’s list evidence… I confronted him and his response was “I will never admit to being gay and finally I do not want to be gay… I stayed for 8 years after that!! Basically just filling my time with friends and my young daughter and ignoring his effed up existence… I was definitely suffocating and finally got the courage to get the hell out…. I’ve been gone for 5 years and let me tell you it has been absolute bliss.. he has still provided for me 100% financially….. he basically let me leave his closet…. But this is never spoken of… he still acts and lives a heterosexual life and is now dating a woman who he has introduced my children to… I don’t think he will ever come out… but now I’m angry that I have to deal with this new woman (beard) in my life… she’s buying presents for me children and probably thinks she hit the lottery….  My husband is very charming and a classic narcissist…. How long do you think he will be able to keep up this relationship ?? I know he is still in the split phase and leading a double life …   I wish he would just come the hell out of the closet… I have only told a few close friends…. No family know… I’m basically still in his closet, just on the outside of the door…