Hi confused, writing things down can be helpful, especially if you have a spouse who wants to argue that the sky is not blue and was never that colour. You need to reflect on what you want and need. Trauma therapy might be helpful. If that's not available for you, find someone you can confide in. They may not have answers for you, but a good listener can be helpful just by giving you an opportunity to talk it out. Honestly, the answers come from you, in time.

Trust is a critical component of any relationship. What is he "working" on, besides asking you to forget everything you discovered, that he was hiding from you?

Soaplife wrote:

Confused Seas I am so sorry this us happening to you.

Sadly, you have nothing to work with here. Whenever I see DARVO at work, as here, i know there is no hope. You question, they deny. You question again, they attack, and make themselves the victim and you somehow the offender. Its manipulative, dishonest, emotional abuse, pure and simple.

Get a lawyer and begin protecting your financial future and planning your safe exit from the marriage.

I've never heard of DARVO before (I had to look it up), but there's this almost...angry denial.  First it was "that isn't my account" or "I was hacked", then I logged into the account using a common password.  He's never apologized, he's told me that I just need to stop digging for this stuff.  sighs I'm looking at lawyers now
 

Rob wrote:

Confusedseas,

It definitely sounds like you are in shock...its like getting hit by a bus. It is a trauma to find out their secret...I recall when I found out..like you reading the exchanges between my GX and her girlfriend.. all the blood drained from my face. At work people asked me what was wrong because I looked pale like I had just been in accident.

First thing to do is to breath, get your bearings. You can read the first aid thread here. Definitely make sure you take care of yourself ..it may mean going about your routines as normal. Reach out to friends, family, priest, psychiatrist...start building a support system. Be kind to yourself...its not your fault,we did nothing wrong but love them. It's a fundamental shift of starting to be kind and love ourselves authentically with the fierce love we process.. because they did not.

Wishing courage and fortitude

Yes, that's exactly it.  When I found the posts and the account...I felt like I had been kicked in the gut, I couldn' breathe.  I thought it might get better now that the secret was out, but he's just gone back into full denial, let's not talk about it mode.   I really do feel like a total schmuck for believing his bullshit.
 

ConfusedSeas, you are not a schmuck.  You are a normal person who trusted the person you married.

It sounds like you have your head screwed on the right way and are not fooled by his lying - just brokenhearted by it.

Its telling, isn't it, that in the face of your evident devastation, he is angry - and not sad, contrite, concerned for you, honest, willing to talk, wanting to make it right with you. It sounds like he's more concerned about losing the comfortable life you have been providing for him.

Look after yourself - self-care, a good therapist, a few trusted friends in your corner.  The sense of dislocation and unreality does lessen in time as you get your head around and honestly face the lies.  You deserve better.

I got out in front after my DDay, went grey rock,  and planned and executed a surgical exit within 6 months.  And without consulting gxh - I consulted lawyers instead.

Found a lot of support, wisdom, hard experience and snarky humour on Chump Lady.  Not everyone's cup of tea but really helped shore up my resolve.

Its a long road out, but I am 5 years down the track, divorced and No Contact with gxh.  Life is much better.