My comments in red...

ExHoGrindrEndedMyMarriage wrote:

I found his Grindr acc and he lost it, got really aggressive and crossed the line physically. He denied being gay/bi or any interest in men romantically/ sexually, even though he has used Grindr and other apps like Jackd/scruff/hornet etc.. for years. "crossed the line physically" do you mean he hit you?
After I said I was leaving he said he was sexually assaulted by a slightly older male child when he was very young. I read that many gay/bi spouses admit to sexual assault by others when they were young and it often appears to be a last resort admission to gain sympathy He said it was all about control for him but he used it days before our wedding and as soon as he could after, put pressure on me to have children, let his family cross boundaries and just became so
Cold. My partner of 37 yrs used a sexually-dominating approach in the early days and I accepted it because I wasn't threatened by it. Time went on, things changed and everything became must clearer. He always performed in the bedroom which has me even more confused. I said I want a divorce and he’s been so nasty since and spreading lies. I’m seeing a therapist and working through understanding narcissism and how/ why I ended up in a marriage where I was being used as a “beard”..we end up in these r'ships because it never starts out narcisistically, and by the time we're in deep......
I’m struggling and don’t want to out him, that’s his business but he’s lied and turned very viscous - like a stranger after he ruined our marriage.
Help me please!..the fact that you know who and what he is can be enough for you at the moment. This will give you time to plan because big decisions made in little time often are the wrong ones. 
Are you scared for your life, and of him?......

Elle
 

ExHoGrindrEndedMyMarriage wrote:

I found his Grindr acc and he lost it, got really aggressive and crossed the line physically. He denied being gay/bi or any interest in men romantically/ sexually, even though he has used Grindr and other apps like Jackd/scruff/hornet etc.. for years.
After I said I was leaving he said he was sexually assaulted by a slightly older male child when he was very young. He said it was all about control for him but he used it days before our wedding and as soon as he could after, put pressure on me to have children, let his family cross boundaries and just became so
Cold. He always performed in the bedroom which has me even more confused. I said I want a divorce and he’s been so nasty since and spreading lies. I’m seeing a therapist and working through understanding narcissism and how/ why I ended up in a marriage where I was being used as a “beard”..
I’m struggling and don’t want to out him, that’s his business but he’s lied and turned very viscous - like a stranger after he ruined our marriage.
Help me please!

Hey, it sounds to me like he needs help. Being sexually assaulted as a child/teen can do severe damage to your sexuality. I know many LGBTQ+ would disagree, but I would say people who have been sexually assaulted have that "privilege" to know themselves who this affected them. I know people who have been sexually abused that are very promiscous, they themselves say they feel a disconnect to their sexuality. The fact that he is confused and needs to find the control could be true. I am NOT saying you should put up with this behaviour or allow it to happen. But my advice is 1) Find a good conselor that knows how sexual abuse and say to him that he needs to go. 2) Set limits to your husband and a deadline. If you feel that he is uncertain about his sexuality and needs to explore more than You need to end this by a certain date. 3) Find a good couples counselor and 4) Start taking care of yourself. Focus on yourself. 



 

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

StraightBiRelationship wrote:

Hey, it sounds to me like he needs help. Being sexually assaulted as a child/teen can do severe damage to your sexuality. I know many LGBTQ+ would disagree, but I would say people who have been sexually assaulted have that "privilege" to know themselves who this affected them. I know people who have been sexually abused that are very promiscous, they themselves say they feel a disconnect to their sexuality. The fact that he is confused and needs to find the control could be true. I am NOT saying you should put up with this behaviour or allow it to happen. But my advice is 1) Find a good conselor that knows how sexual abuse and say to him that he needs to go. 2) Set limits to your husband and a deadline. If you feel that he is uncertain about his sexuality and needs to explore more than You need to end this by a certain date. 3) Find a good couples counselor and 4) Start taking care of yourself. Focus on yourself. 

 

This is a support board for straightspouses, not MOMs. The advice in this post belongs on the MOM board

Elle

Hey Elle,

I don’t agree with you. You can still support the straight partner, but also point out a very serious point such as sexual abuse. They have kids and the kids need two well functioning parents. For whatever reason we have all chosen to enter a relationship with our person. Yes, most of us didn’t know or could not image what would happen, but when someone says they were sexually abused I will choose to believe them. Now, for the partner I say you still have to have your boundaries. But Raging on won’t help her now. She needs to find peace and set boundaries, but also get closure. I truly do believe sexual abuse can do severe damage, and that is something a therapist can help them with.

Last edited by StraightBiRelationship (October 27, 2021 3:28 am)

walkbymyself wrote:

The original post says the guy "crossed the line physically".  I don't think he's the victim here.

It's not a question of believing him or not believing him.  If he's playing that card in order to evade responsibility for what he's doing to his wife, that's pure manipulation -- and that doesn't change depending on whether it's true or false.  It remains manipulative.  There are plenty of people here who can attest to that based on direct personal experience.

I never excused him crossing that line or cheating, I don’t know what the TS meant by him crossing the line and she needs to clarify it herself, nor did I say he was the victim. All I said is that is true that people who have been sexually abused as children have confusing issues with their sexuality and that he needs help. If they have children, it is important to resort those issues, wouldn’t you say? And I also said she needs to create clear boundaries for herself and focus on her. Now if someone says they were sexually molested and that is not true, I would still argue that they need counseling. The only way she can get control of the situation is to create a healthy transition for herself. He needs obliviously help. Gay or not. For her future, regardless of what is. If you have children you need to cooperate with that human being. That’s the truth.

When my kids deny eating chocolate chip cookies but have chocolate all over their faces and hands, I know what to believe.  I think you are in the same place.