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September 13, 2021 4:15 pm  #1


I need to get this off my chest.

I have been typing and erasing so much because I don't know where to start.

My SO and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 2 on the 27th of this month. High school sweet hearts. She mentioned that she finds women more attractive maybe about a year ago but we were still doing fine. Our sex life was never great but I accepted it and compromised by letting her always initiate, that way she will never feel like I forced her. I love sex but for years only had it maybe once a month. I was okay with that. For the last 4 months though, nothing. I really just wanted to feel wanted so I purposely distanced myself from her so that she will be forced to reach out to me to make me feel needed. . That made our relationship worse and about 2 weeks ago the bomb dropped. I think I'm a leabian. What makes this worse is that we recently moved out, into a new apartment. We used to live at my father's house so we had this new freedom that was fun in the beginning.

I spent so much money making our place more homely, sometimes doing it and expecting something in return but never getting it. Now, I'm moving out, back to my dad's house. I'm so ashamed, like a dog with its tail between its legs, because I feel like a failure. I was willing to see a cou celor, I was willing to change even more to what she wanted and needed, even though I have already changed so much for her. She doesn't want to because if I do, our relationship will be great but the sexual aspect will be horrible because, in her words, I do not satisfy her. She told me that tonight and it hurt so bad. I feel like I have waisted my 20's as I'm 27 now. I don't know what I'm going to do. It just hurts so bad.

 

September 13, 2021 5:00 pm  #2


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

Hi Dirkie,

I’m very sorry that you are going through this. Sadly statements like “you don’t satisfy me” are the kind of statements that burn themselves into our memories.

I was 40 when my ex-wife came out. We had been married for 16 years and had two children. Her “I don’t love you anymore” seered itself into my mind.

First of all I want to say that what is happening is not your fault. When our spouses come out as gay there is an inclination for us to blame ourselves. Our first thoughts are often…
If only i’d been a better lover
If only I’d been a better husband
If only I’d been a better man
If only I’d been a better person

The truth is that if someone is gay or lesbian there’s actually nothing you can do about that. My ex wife admitted that she had ALWAYS had feelings for women but, due to her upbringing and involvement in church, had denied, repressed and suppressed her feelings. That denial is like a time bomb waiting to go off.

As difficult as it may be you need to not take the “you don’t satisfy me” to heart. If she is a lesbian it was actually IMPOSSIBLE for you to satisfy her.

So… Where to from here. It sounds like you are giving each other some space. That is good. If you are anything like me you will have hated moving out but it might actually be good for you to to have some thinking space. I lived with my ex-wife for three months after she came out and it nearly drove me insane. Surround yourself with family and friends.

Get a counselor or therapist ASAP. If you feel yourself sliding emotionally or mentally (most of us do) get help immediately.  If you are in the USA you may be able to reach out to a local group of the Straight Spouse Network (now OurPath). See the links on their website. In an emergency go to your doctor.

Otherwise what happens now is ‘one day at a time’. Slow down. Give yourself time to process what is happening. Think but don’t over-think.

Cut yourself some slack.

Keep posting.


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

September 13, 2021 5:02 pm  #3


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

Hello dirkie88,

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. Am truly sorry you find yourself here.

Here's a helpful post if you haven't read it yet --
First Aid Kit: How to survive finding out your partner is LGBT. The first post in the thread is the one to read.

https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?id=1217

You should not go through this alone. You need support to help you process this discovery and begin to heal from the pain and grief.  It helps to reach out to close family members (maybe your dad) and friends you can trust, a clergy member and/or sympathetic counselor.

I was married over 20 years to my ex-husband. I know what you mean by a wasted decade.  Right now this is probably cold comfort, but you are young & can find a wonderful straight woman who would love and cherish you.  You have your life ahead of you.

I wish you all the best.

Maria


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

September 13, 2021 10:04 pm  #4


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

Welcome to Our Forum

This will be like a thousand bombs in your heart all going off at once. Trying to destroy what you believe in. All your thoughts, desires, attempts to better your r'ship, your compromises.....these are all attributes to the person you are, 
so never ever feel bad about your positives. This is going to hurt for a while, Take it from me you're going to have to pull out all the strength and resources you know you possess right?

It's a great thing (it won't feel like it at the moment) that you have a home with people who love you to retreat to as you get your head straight and the world stops spinning.

Have you talked to your family/friends about this? It's important you do

Elle


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 14, 2021 12:45 am  #5


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

I have spoken to friends about this. Family is just my dad and brother. Mom passed away about 2 years ago in a car accident. I really wish she was here. It all just feels like empty platitudes because it doesn't matter what anyone says, I'm losing the person I love the most.

     Thread Starter
 

September 14, 2021 12:51 am  #6


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

What also hurts is I feel I have invested so much. Not to say she hasn't but our financial situation is stellar. We get by relatively comfortably but she pays for rent and most of the debt (new fridge, clothing account, my phone as I got her old 1 and I pay for her brand new one, etc) while I pay for the food and I get things for the house. I recently spent like R3000+ on a new vacuum and microwave. When we moved out, I brought the bed, I brought the furniture and now I'm leaving all these things behind because she cannot afford to buy new things and I'll probably still have to support her financially because she can't buy food or electricity. She simply can't afford it.

Didn't mention I'm from South Africa, so R3000 roughly translates to $200.

     Thread Starter
 

September 14, 2021 1:37 am  #7


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

Dirkie88 wrote:

...

Your ex has no family/support where she lives?

Have you had legal advice? That's important too. My son is the same age as you and I just want to sit down,  wrap my arms around you and talk talk talk


 


KIA KAHA                       
 

September 14, 2021 2:22 am  #8


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

Her mother passed away very early in our relationship and her dad struggles to keep a job, and is to prideful to admit to the mistakes he made during his life, so she cut him out. She lived with my family an dmyself for a good few years before we eventually moved out.

We were married out of community of property so legally, everything I bought is mine but if I take it everything I bought, she will struggle. If I don't help her out financially after moving out, she won't be make it on her own because her salary is not enough. So now I feel like it's a win win for her and a lose lose for me. She does care about me and somewhere she still loves me in come capacity but she's getting her independence and voids her responsibility towards me and out of love and care I still provide for her because I can't just leave her high and dry.

     Thread Starter
 

September 14, 2021 2:50 am  #9


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

It’s all well and good to ‘be the bigger person’ and provide for her in the short term but you also don’t want to enable her.

Our spouses sometimes play us for suckers asking for ‘trial separations’ or ‘space and time to think’. Meanwhile what they are actually doing is giving us false hope and benefiting from our generosity.

Ultimately you will want your financial arrangement to be fair. While you may not want to throw her under the bus financially you also don’t want to be played for a fool.

If you have joint bank accounts or joint credit cards watch them like a hawk. Cancel joint bank accounts or credit cards the second you are convinced the marriage is over.


You have a future. A good one. It begins as a flicker of hope. Nurture it until it becomes a dream and when you are strong enough you will make it a reality. NEVER give up. 
 

September 14, 2021 9:02 am  #10


Re: I need to get this off my chest.

Dirkie88 wrote:

Her mother passed away very early in our relationship and her dad struggles to keep a job, and is to prideful to admit to the mistakes he made during his life, so she cut him out. She lived with my family an dmyself for a good few years before we eventually moved out.

There is a possibility it's the other way around with her dad. He discovered or she told him she wasn't straight. Some parents disown kids over this.

Dirkie88 wrote:

We were married out of community of property so legally, everything I bought is mine but if I take it everything I bought, she will struggle. If I don't help her out financially after moving out, she won't be make it on her own because her salary is not enough. So now I feel like it's a win win for her and a lose lose for me.

Draw up a loan contract acknowledging you purchased the items and set terms for her paying you back. Have it signed by a notary and by her. In most countries a notary is on par with an attorney. Check to see if this is true in South Africa.  She may not pay you back, but this will serve as evidence of your contribution to the marriage if you decide to divorce.

She can increase her income. She can get a paying roommate for that place. She can get a second job. She can take classes to boost her salary.  She's young and has no impediment to perform these common sense actions.  She may not want to but she needs to stand on her own two feet.  It shows care and love on your part to detach from her economic issues. It lets her grow up.

Again, am very sorry this happened to you. The pain does decrease with time, but it takes time to feel angry and grieve to let it out of your system. Vent here all you want to. That helped me and many of the posters here.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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