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- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
AuroraMoon wrote:
....... No friends, no connection with family. Just me. Its exhausting.
I used to think he just wanted to be with me. Maybe a lot of it was just his naturally reserved personality, maybe it was a progression of his coming to terms with his own sexuality.
Pity I learned too late why, why the quietness of our social life was almost always because he didn't like people, why he could chat with, swap photos, meet other people if it was in a sexual setting but shied away from having a 'group of our own friends'. This (our life) was almost a script written by him that only turned to custard when one of the actors (me) rebelled against the words she was meant to say.
I'm angry he was prepared to threaten our future, to ruin what we'd built and more than that... Say he'd stuff all those feelings down and not say another word about one
day "fucking a man"....like I was supposed to forget every he'd said..!!
Bit of a rant 
but these days I'm almost as contained as him though the reason is that I'm thinking about the endgame of this chess match
Elle
KIA KAHA
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
.....
Does that mean it's time to move on without him? You deserve a better life!
... 😊
Ahh Mj.... If only it were that easy. I have, apart from the Mindfuck...a good life, an easy life. No pressures at all, and my mind comes back to this when I think about the reasons for not leaving/leaving. I don't see myself as his beard because I don't care if he's out there seeing men, fucking women, I'm too far removed from it now for it to bother me.
I'm here because I don't have the replacement situation that I'd need that would make it worth it to leave. I do know how shallow and selfserving that sounds but it doesn't bother me anymore
Elle
KIA KAHA
- TakenbySurprise
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
The no couple friends thing has weighed heavily on my as we are going through divorce. There aren't any friends "to split" because we didn't share any. With this issue and others, I'm having difficulty relating to more typical people who divorce. I still have the issues of infidelity, porn, and deception, but I also have to ask myself who was I even married to? Was there anything that was real?
- Upside
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
The answers here have been eye-opening. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
My personal theory on this:
To me, it certainly sounds like codependency is a requirement at some level. Many GID don't seem to see themselves as full people, requiring someone else to validate their existence. They bottle up hidden thoughts because they are fearful of how our view of them may change, as we are their worlds. They fear movement toward these hidden desires as they can only exist in our image of them.
It seems conflict often arises when an independent person sees them in a way that aligns with their inner desires. Who are they if not who we see them as? What are they allowed to be? What harm will further exploration cause? And so compartmentalization occurs, splitting their worlds, pushing many to act in secret. They are quite literally different people, as they have no stable sense of self.
The 'no friends' trend is surprising. My closet bisexual wife had no close friends for 10 years and was very angry by this. When men and women began showing interest in her she was willing to do anything to keep them, including starting relationships. She would later say that she said she loved them out of fear of losing their friendship. She denied having sex with them, yet I have proof this is false, showing she was willing to do anything they requested. But this wasn't because she was thinking of others, she was afraid of losing who she became in their eyes.
TakenbySurprise, I've come to accept that what we saw was real. But much like reading every other chapter in a book, we were purposefully deceived and manipulated. We cannot be judged for someone else's deception, so we have to accept we did our best with what our spouses chose to share with us. Wishing you strength.
- •
Thread Starter- Lyla
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
It seems conflict often arises when an independent person sees them in a way that aligns with their inner desires. Who are they if not who we see them as? What are they allowed to be? What harm will further exploration cause? And so compartmentalization occurs, splitting their worlds, pushing many to act in secret. They are quite literally different people, as they have no stable sense of self.
The 'no friends' trend is surprising. My closet bisexual wife had no close friends for 10 years and was very angry by this.
This is spot on. Their ability to compartmentalize is quite amazing...and scary (as the straight partner). They always act in secret—whether it's watching gay porn, chatting/camming with strangers, building up a secret toy collection, or initiating DL meetups on apps like Grindr, Scruff, Reddit, Adam4Adam, or HER (hate that I know all of these).
I discovered my closeted bisexual husband was Googling local gay bars. While I don't yet have any proof of infidelity, I know that faithful husbands don't go to gay bars. I can honestly say I never saw any of this coming.
Like your wife, he also never had any friends the entire time we've been together...but at least 2/3 of his childhood friends are now adult gay men. I wonder how common that is.
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
^^ This is very common behaviour in those who have “damaging” truths about themselves that they need to hide. It is the original driving concern for finding a “beard” to hide behind. They then unconsciously develop a disassociated personality to hide the truth from their “beard”. It allows them to live in two separate realities simultaneously without remorse or regret. Unfortunately when discovered, they seem to all to often use this personality as the de-facto self that then regards the straight spouse as necessary collateral damage on a journey to self actualisation.
Last edited by Ordinary guy (July 19, 2021 12:57 pm)
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- lily
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
The answers here have been eye-opening. Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
My personal theory on this:
To me, it certainly sounds like codependency is a requirement at some level. Many GID don't seem to see themselves as full people, requiring someone else to validate their existence. They bottle up hidden thoughts because they are fearful of how our view of them may change, as we are their worlds. They fear movement toward these hidden desires as they can only exist in our image of them.
It seems conflict often arises when an independent person sees them in a way that aligns with their inner desires. Who are they if not who we see them as? What are they allowed to be? What harm will further exploration cause? And so compartmentalization occurs, splitting their worlds, pushing many to act in secret. They are quite literally different people, as they have no stable sense of self.
The 'no friends' trend is surprising. My closet bisexual wife had no close friends for 10 years and was very angry by this. When men and women began showing interest in her she was willing to do anything to keep them, including starting relationships. She would later say that she said she loved them out of fear of losing their friendship. She denied having sex with them, yet I have proof this is false, showing she was willing to do anything they requested. But this wasn't because she was thinking of others, she was afraid of losing who she became in their eyes.
The likelihood is that one or both of their parents is GID - that must play a role in shaping their behaviour, who they are even I would have thought. Already the person they turned out to be before they met us.
Last edited by lily (July 22, 2021 2:48 pm)
- Upside
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
Interesting thought Lily.
I can only say for my case, my GID ex-wife had daddy issues. This set-up the model that men were useful financial resources, but bad emotional resources. This inability to connect to men emotionally was the foundation for her sexual attraction to women.
I'd also say that one trend I've seen in my life and here is that GID spouses knew in early adolescence they were attracted to the opposite sex. This is not something that appears at 30 years old. Again, in my case, it came out 25 years after the fact, but her mother had caught her with pornography of women as a teen and screamed at her for being disgusting. This shaming caused her to find a boyfriend to prove she wasn't gay. And I was the lucky guy selected.
And we're back where we started: vulnerability and disclosure.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Disclosure and Vulnerability
It's her genetic material that's the foundation of her sexual attraction isn't it?
The normal thing is to be aware in childhood without knowing what's involved - feelings spring up, I can still remember the name of the first boy where we had a bit of a thing going - and we would have been 6. all entirely innocent but it's a particular feeling. isn't it, that interest in a person.
At 10, still at the same school it was a noticeable moment I still remember, he is looking across at me, it is intense and his dark eyes look very attractive and my gaze is caught by the booger coming out his nose. still all very innocent but more sizzle.
and then adolescence hits.
so yeah this is of course an entirely presumptive guess due to the blaming of her father and the screaming from the mother but maybe her mother is GID?
My ex's father was very similar to him.