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May 26, 2021 1:15 pm  #1

Still Confused

Dear All
First time in this network. I wanted to share and see if you all can tell me I am not crazy for thinking my husband of 11 years and father of my two children is gay.
We met through some mutual friends 14 years ago and after a year of dating he proposed to me. On our honeymoon in Thailand we barely had sex. I can say in a week maybe just twice. On my 30th birthday we fought when all I wanted to do was have sex. Something in my gut told me something was not right. The last few days Of our HM were spent packed with outdoor activities. Our first year he traveled a lot. Gone for over a week many times not calling to say goodnight. I still trusted him. One year later we had my son. The sex was always unsatisfying and very infrequent but I never thought anything of it and now with a new baby my thoughts were only focused on him. Everyone thought he was the nicest guy. My family friends etc. His trips continued and I didn’t think anything of it. We then had my daughter and I told him to stop traveling because I needed help at home. The sex decreased to 1x every few months. Months lead to a year. But he remained romantic, affectionate and what everyone thought was the nicest guy. So I didn’t think much about us not having sex. One night I made him have sex and it was almost as if it was painful. He wasn’t excited and it was done in about a minute. I still thought maybe it was stress with work. A few months later One trip raised red flags. He stayed at a different hotel then the rest of his team and he was not traceable on find my friend until the morning early hours. While he was gone I turned in to a detective and found viagra from a local doctor and specialty pharmacy online. But we weren’t having sex!!! I confronted him immediately when he returned. He denied the hotel and said it was cheaper and said the viagra was for me and he had thrown out a few after getting a headache. I was in denial and just didn’t know what to think. A few days later I found some underwear that were not boxers and very tiny and tight. When I asked him about it he said 1st I bought them for him or he got it from an online subscription box. I was about to go crazy. Did I buy these for him? All of these things he denied and I continued to think I was crazy because he looked me in the eye and told me he was not cheating. I kicked him out only to have him move back due to covid and not knowing how to take care of the kids alone. We went to therapy and after two sessions he told me he didn’t like the counselor (who I suspected to also be gay). Then in the year of covid we continued to live life taking care of kids and sort of swept it under the rug. I never felt comfortable about any of it but never got any where questioning him. And after all I didn’t want to face it. Where would I go? What about the kids? We have not had sex now in about 2.5 years. I brought it up the other night after some wine and he told me he thinks about it all the time. I told him he was lying and I wanted to know if he was gay. Again. Nothing.
Can someone please tell me 1. Are my suspicions correct 2. Where do you go from here. I wish I was strong enough to leave. Our parents, society and everyone we currently know would find out and I fear this would lead him to maybe even be suicidal. I don’t want that to happen because he is the father of my children.  I am trapped.


May 26, 2021 1:39 pm  #2

Re: Still Confused

I am so very sorry. 1. I believe that your suspicions are correct. I found out last June but my partner will not admit it. In my experience, men like sex. Did he want to have sex before the marriage?  Hiding his viagra is a sign that he is gay in my opinion.2. I wish I could give you insight on what to do but I don't know what to do from day to day. If you have insurance or can afford a therapist, please see one. Again, I am so very sorry.


May 26, 2021 1:43 pm  #3

Re: Still Confused

Thank you Gloria. Even before marriage he was never like my other boyfriends. He wasn’t even trying to have sex with me. I sort of forced that too. Another thing, When I open his i phone he has over 1000 apps and folders and I never know what is what. I thought this was sort of suspicious too.
The viagra I still don’t understand but he said it was for me.
I hope you have found peace in your situation.

     Thread Starter

May 26, 2021 4:24 pm  #4

Re: Still Confused

You do have a lot of red flags along with what sounds like gaslighting behaviour. That in itself is something to be concerned about. No relationship should have secrets or doubts. In a marriage you should be feeling loved and cherished, not wondering if you're crazy. What you do about that is a very personal decision. Do you work it out or end it? As Gloria said, counseling is a great idea. If that's not on the table, even just unloading with a close friend, who can keep your confidence, can help. Build your support and strength up bit by bit. As for him being possibly suicidal, that is something he should be seeking help with. If it's being weaponized, that's not healthy. You are not obligated to sacrifice yourself to avoid social stigma but I understand how the pandemic can place a lot of strain on ones options.

About the phone apps, the hook-up apps I've seen mentioned around here have names like Scruff, Hornet, Grinder, Shakerr, Bro. There could be others as well. If you goggle any app names, do so in a private browser window and just read the search result summaries. Links can be very intrusive when you click on them.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

May 26, 2021 6:22 pm  #5

Re: Still Confused

Hello RAR1927,

Am sorry you find yourself here.  My late ex husband was a gay man in denial.

The sex was ok during our courtship which was offset by his kindness and thoughtfulness. Such a nice guy!  We went to Paris for our honeymoon. He was too tired to have sex, but not too tired to sightsee.

It was downhill after that - sex dried up after a year. He turned passive aggressive. He turned really mean a few years after that.  I asked him once a month at least if he was gay. He said he wasn’t.

I would suggest asking him to accompany you for joint sessions with a sex therapist.   It was suggested to me to help build intimacy in our sexless marriage.  My ex never showed up for the appointments. I realized I had my answer.

You might want to suggest the same to your husband. His reaction may tell you what you’d like to know.

Post here as often as you need and want.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

May 26, 2021 9:47 pm  #6

Re: Still Confused

RAR1027, as daryl says, the big thing i got from your post is that he is lying and trying to gaslight you.  Gay or not gay might never be clear but the fact he is abusing you is clear.  So take it from there - what do you want in and from your marriage and your husband? What is acceptable to you?  Wishing you clarity and strength to do what is best for you going forward.


May 27, 2021 8:55 am  #7

Re: Still Confused

Thank you also Daryl , MJM and Soaplife. Although we don’t know each other your support is much appreciated. I have not shared with anyone else and don’t feel like I can. 

Has anyone noticed lack of motivation and a sense of being lost from their gay partners? Almost like he is in his own world. When I ask him he doesn’t open up.

Also, what were your  red flags?

     Thread Starter

June 1, 2021 3:21 pm  #8

Re: Still Confused

I told my parents, best friend and sister today. I needed some support and they all supported me and agree I should leave. I don’t know what I am waiting for. I see my kids and it breaks my heart. He wants to go to therapy but still has not come out with the truth. On top of it all he threw out the viagra I discovered which he moved to his cabinet. I don’t know if he used it or hid it or what. Last week it was there for me to see and now it’s gone. I think more games. Just need to leave and not keep looking for evidence of what I already know is true.

     Thread Starter

June 1, 2021 6:53 pm  #9

Re: Still Confused

Hi Rar, glad to hear you have got support around you.  I think part of what keeps us pinned in these horrible marriages to Mr Nice Guy is that we are expecting him to be nice!

the thing my mother said about my ex was that he would neither accept me nor let me go.  And that is what we are looking for, full acceptance as a spouse - yes or no.   not all the confusion of yes but, no but. altogether too many butts - you will never get a straight answer from him.  


June 3, 2021 12:54 pm  #10

Re: Still Confused

Let's ignore "the gay thing" right now.

You are not happy. You fear communicating with him about your feelings because he is doesn't share and may threaten self-harm. He travels often. He bailed on counseling. He isn't interested in you sexually or attending to your needs. He is hiding Viagra from specialty pharmacies. He is hiding hotels. He has been found with unknown, tight male underwear. He lies about what you know (viagra, hotels) to your face. He is tech-savvy and is protective of his phone.

That's so much to carry – I'm sorry, RAR.

But your gut is saying he's gay. Based on my experience here, he is absolutely cheating and very likely with men. People don't accidentally order Viagra or hotels. Trust your gut. It is there for a reason.

Regarding your question on why you won't leave: you want to believe the best about the man you married. You want all of this reality to go away and have the life you and your children deserve. The one he promised and continues to promise. This is called "future faking". People, especially the kind-hearted, will spend decades waiting for promises to be fulfilled.

If possible, speak with a lawyer. It is often free and can help you process what this path may look like. It is just a conversation but can ground this decision in tangible action.

If you need further evidence, this article may help. But I would recommend avoiding any further evidence gathering if you can. Some things are best left unknown.

Wishing you strength on your path ahead.


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