I am so very sorry. 1. I believe that your suspicions are correct. I found out last June but my partner will not admit it. In my experience, men like sex. Did he want to have sex before the marriage?  Hiding his viagra is a sign that he is gay in my opinion.2. I wish I could give you insight on what to do but I don't know what to do from day to day. If you have insurance or can afford a therapist, please see one. Again, I am so very sorry.

You do have a lot of red flags along with what sounds like gaslighting behaviour. That in itself is something to be concerned about. No relationship should have secrets or doubts. In a marriage you should be feeling loved and cherished, not wondering if you're crazy. What you do about that is a very personal decision. Do you work it out or end it? As Gloria said, counseling is a great idea. If that's not on the table, even just unloading with a close friend, who can keep your confidence, can help. Build your support and strength up bit by bit. As for him being possibly suicidal, that is something he should be seeking help with. If it's being weaponized, that's not healthy. You are not obligated to sacrifice yourself to avoid social stigma but I understand how the pandemic can place a lot of strain on ones options.

About the phone apps, the hook-up apps I've seen mentioned around here have names like Scruff, Hornet, Grinder, Shakerr, Bro. There could be others as well. If you goggle any app names, do so in a private browser window and just read the search result summaries. Links can be very intrusive when you click on them.
 

RAR1027, as daryl says, the big thing i got from your post is that he is lying and trying to gaslight you.  Gay or not gay might never be clear but the fact he is abusing you is clear.  So take it from there - what do you want in and from your marriage and your husband? What is acceptable to you?  Wishing you clarity and strength to do what is best for you going forward.

I told my parents, best friend and sister today. I needed some support and they all supported me and agree I should leave. I don’t know what I am waiting for. I see my kids and it breaks my heart. He wants to go to therapy but still has not come out with the truth. On top of it all he threw out the viagra I discovered which he moved to his cabinet. I don’t know if he used it or hid it or what. Last week it was there for me to see and now it’s gone. I think more games. Just need to leave and not keep looking for evidence of what I already know is true.

Let's ignore "the gay thing" right now.

You are not happy. You fear communicating with him about your feelings because he is doesn't share and may threaten self-harm. He travels often. He bailed on counseling. He isn't interested in you sexually or attending to your needs. He is hiding Viagra from specialty pharmacies. He is hiding hotels. He has been found with unknown, tight male underwear. He lies about what you know (viagra, hotels) to your face. He is tech-savvy and is protective of his phone.

That's so much to carry – I'm sorry, RAR.

But your gut is saying he's gay. Based on my experience here, he is absolutely cheating and very likely with men. People don't accidentally order Viagra or hotels. Trust your gut. It is there for a reason.

Regarding your question on why you won't leave: you want to believe the best about the man you married. You want all of this reality to go away and have the life you and your children deserve. The one he promised and continues to promise. This is called "future faking". People, especially the kind-hearted, will spend decades waiting for promises to be fulfilled.

If possible, speak with a lawyer. It is often free and can help you process what this path may look like. It is just a conversation but can ground this decision in tangible action.

If you need further evidence, this article may help. But I would recommend avoiding any further evidence gathering if you can. Some things are best left unknown.

Wishing you strength on your path ahead.