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May 16, 2021 10:06 am  #11

Re: Need some Advice

​Thanks for everyone’s feedback.
You all addressed my key fears without me really even saying them.

She cheated on me. It was not a drunken mistake but planned and executed over months.

The other person ended it. Not my wife coming to her senses. What if the other person did not end it…

What happens if the other person comes back, begging her to return…

She has not totally broken it off with the other person. They still do boot-camp together.

It was with the same sex. I can only speak for myself, but I have no attraction to the same sex.

She moved out to work on “her”. But what about me the family and our marriage.

I am going to a therapist and that has helped immensely. (My wife does go to one also), we’ve just never gone to a couples therapist together.

I know if I took emotion/love out of the equation that there would only be one course of action.
I do think people can get back together after infidelity. It will be hard work, but possible, but given all the above combined, I do not think it’s realistic.

She took my self-worth and confidence doing this to me. At best I’d always be the consolation prize.
Now it’s just a matter of finding the courage/will to move on.
Thanks again.


Last edited by TheSAguy (May 16, 2021 10:11 am)


May 16, 2021 1:01 pm  #12

Re: Need some Advice

Hi SAguy,

That all makes sense. Your wife’s orientation is not straight. That’s been through the discovery of her cheating. Infidelity and repair of trust can be slowly repaired. However, there’s nothing to repair if your wife is not straight. It’s not a broken thing to be so. It’s perfectly fine. It’s when you act straight and when you’re not is the problem. It becomes a drama. It did for most of us. It was a relief to divorce & be drama-free.

Good luck with your next steps.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

May 16, 2021 8:15 pm  #13

Re: Need some Advice

SAguy, nailed it. Remember whose actions broke your marriage and who tried to hold it together and hold your head high my friend. You and your kids will get through this to a better life on the other side.

I didn't believe this when people said it but five years later I can attest its true. The pain of divorce is worth it for an honest life, and loving, healthy relationships with my kids. We all see the truth of who my ex is now.

One step at a time and you will get through.


May 17, 2021 11:51 am  #14

Re: Need some Advice

It sounds like you are processing your thoughts well.  You should be proud of yourself.

As for couple’s therapy?  It’s a total waste of time.  My LEX used our two disastrous sessions as opportunities to crap all over me and point out all of my “faults” and “contribution” to the demise of our marriage.  At the time, I listened to her because she was still the person who I trusted and loved the most in the world.  She is a narcissist, a species which refuses to take blame for anything.  My suggestion is to not waste your time.

The key thing I learned from individual therapy was that I was guilty of only one thing:  I wasn’t the lesbian she never told me she needed.  


May 17, 2021 3:51 pm  #15

Re: Need some Advice

Soaplife wrote:

Blue Bear, is your Chump Lady correspondence pinned? It should be!

She spurred me on through my divorce from an abuser who subsequently came out to our children as gay (telling them to keep it secret of course).

I agree. Blue Bear, your question was a great one. Kudos to you & to Chumplady. She cuts through the bs. Actually, so do you! :-)

Soaplife wrote:

Unrecognised abuse and manipulation is so much a part of so many of our stories here. Lundy Bancrofts book Why Does He Do That? And his other books on abuse were excellent resources for me too.

OOHC was kind enough to recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? when I started posting here. My late GIDXH used to tell me he couldn’t help physically abuse me among other reasons abusers give to justify their behavior. These abusers must have the same playbook & Bancroft found it. Bancroft goes through each excuse my ex gave & refutes it  through logic & common sense.  Glad you mentioned Bancroft, Soaplife.  His book was a lifesaver.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

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