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May 11, 2021 8:28 pm  #1

Need some Advice

My wife and I have been married for 12 years.
She had a brief, intense affair with another woman. It lasted about two and a half months before the other woman broke it off. She has never showed any lesbian tendencies in the 14 years I’ve known her. (though it’s not something one looks for).
She now does not know what she is… Was she just vulnerable and lonely and the other woman a predator at the right time, poisoning out marriage until she got what she wanted and then moved on. She apparently has a history of this. We just moved schools about a year and a half ago and the other woman had a kid in our kids class. My wife and this woman got along very will and became best buddies during quarantine. They have very similar personalities. She was going through a divorce at the time. (She was married to a man).
I’m still very in-love with my wife, but at the same time I’m worried that I might be blinded.
She has moved out and is now on this journey to find herself again, figure out what happened and why it happened. She said she’d be open to couples therapy, but not just yet.
Unfortunately, unlike COVID, there is no test one can run to see if someone is a lesbian…
I was wondering if anyone had some advice as what to do in this situation. I don’t want to get back together if we are going to be in the same boat in the future.
Any good books I could read on this?

I just read "Infidelity: the Best Worst Thing that Could Happen to your Marriage - Talal H. Alsaleem."
I really found it good because it spoke to both parties. But was looking for something that might address Sexual Identity more. 

Also, does anyone know of any marriage counselors / therapists that specialize is Sexual Identity on Orange county, CA?

Last edited by TheSAguy (May 11, 2021 8:56 pm)


May 11, 2021 11:01 pm  #2

Re: Need some Advice

SAguy, sorry you need to be here.

Bottom line - The odds are that if its happened once, it will happen again. Cheating is a character problem, not a sexuality problem.

She has cheated, moved out and doesn't want couples therapy ... she doesnt sound at all sorry. She didnt tell you she thought she might be gay - she embarked on a secret affair. She wants to explore to see if she is a lesbian - that means more cheating, possibly with women and men. She certainly doesn't sound like someone deeply committed to you, your child or your marriage. Sadly I think your marriage is effectively over.

I suggest you have a look at The Chump Lady blog - leave a cheater, gain a life. It is kick-ass practical advice for people reeling from the shock of being cheated on. It is a huge reality check, from people who have been where you are now. Check out the archives, lots of how-to for extracting you and your kids. Lots of success stories too from erstwhile chumps who have made new, cheater-free happy lives with their kids.

It sucks but better now after dday 1 rather than dday 1+x

Thats my take anyway. Best of luck, its a tough gig.


May 11, 2021 11:30 pm  #3

Re: Need some Advice

and I think she has already passed the test hasn't she?

How do you feel about having sex with another man?  is it a sort of er, no thanks response?  same for straight women, we do not want to have sex with another woman - er, no thanks.  I will just have to take my chances with a man.


May 12, 2021 7:31 am  #4

Re: Need some Advice

In my opinion, if she had sex with a woman she is a lesbian. The thought of being in bed with another woman and even kissing another woman is sickening to me. I wish you luck on the rest of these difficult journey. 


May 12, 2021 8:37 am  #5

Re: Need some Advice

Soaplife wrote:

Cheating is a character problem, not a sexuality problem.

This is spot on advice. All marriages require honesty and commitment, and especially trust. Is there some sacrifice? Certainly, but not at the cost of your soul or mental health.

You are justified in being a bit worried about what the future might bring. Until she figures herself out, you're not in a position to make serious commitments. The possibility of a mixed-orientation relationship throws extra layers of complexity into the situation, if you continue together, but you still need that basic bedrock of trust.

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

May 12, 2021 10:40 am  #6

Re: Need some Advice

Am so sorry, TheSAguy.  The cheating would be a deal breaker for me.

Prepare yourself for the possibility that the promise of marriage counseling for later may never come about. Then, how long will you wait until she figures things out - a month, a year or two? My late GIDXH was a master manipulator at stringing me along. We were supposed to attend sex therapy so he could overcome his reluctance for intimacy with me. Later or next year got stretched into 10 years. He never went.

Your wife should know there’s a possibility you could fall out of love with her during her journey. My ex never counted on this happening. But it did. I ended the marriage.

I hope things get sorted out for you.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

May 12, 2021 11:20 am  #7

Re: Need some Advice

Sorry your wife did this to you and your family, SA.

Your wife cheated. She only stopped because the other woman broke it off. How many times have you cheated and why do you hold yourself to a higher standard than your wife?

Your wife filled you with excuses as you were hoping to understand. Pandemic. Venomous woman. History. Similar personalities. Finding herself. Never before. How much ownership did she take? How much would you take? How can you fix something you don't believe you broken?

Your wife hasn't stood up for her marriage. She didn't get a counselor. She didn't beg forgiveness. She left. She had to find "herself" first. To sow her wild oats. To hide from her shame. She let you decide how to fix what's left. How often do you have to be the responsible one?


I've read hundreds of these stories. There are patterns. Here are my opinions:

1) Your wife is a cheater. This is a character deficit, not a phase.

2) Your wife didn't tell you about this affair willingly. I'd wager that her hand was forced. Her leaving says she's more concerned about herself than you...again.

3) If your wife doesn't know is she's bi or a lesbian, you can't. We do know she's confused. And confused without the ability to own one's actions means they will repeat those actions, while learning to be better liars.

4) Counseling is thrown around often as if it solves problems. It can, but often doesn't. When someone lacks the morality to do the right thing, counseling is implying the solution to bad character is talking. It isn't. It is a short-term bandaid for emotional thieves.

5) You can love someone and leave them.

When my wife cheated with multiple woman I still loved her with my whole heart. I thought our case was unique. It took years to understand and then believe the above. But it was the only viable path. Anything else was giving my life over the control of an unstable liar and cheater who avoids all responsibility.

You deserve to be with someone that doesn't cheat. That fights for your marriage. That supports you when the chips are down. That doesn't find an opportunity in the same breath they find an excuse.

Wishing you well on the path ahead.


May 13, 2021 10:54 am  #8

Re: Need some Advice

Lots of good advice posted here already.

You can't save a marriage when the other person wants out.  And as for your wife's sexuality?  Don't bother trying to unscramble it.  You already know what you need to know, which is that she's not straight.  Same-sex attraction doesn't arise because of vulnerability or quarantine -- same-sex attraction is part of someone's fundamental wiring.  And since she cheated on you, she's got a lousy character.  Counseling can't make someone straight (nor should it), and it can't "unlousy" someone's character, either.  Ask yourself whether you want to spend the rest of your life married to an in-denial non-straight woman who has lousy, self-absorbed character and moved out on you.

About two years ago, I wrote a letter to The Chump Lady at the suggestion of the wonderful people on this board.  Great advice:  https://www.chumplady.com/2019/06/dear-chump-lady-my-wife-cheated-with-a-woman/

Two years later, I'm deliriously happy being out of a false marriage to a lesbian and being in a wonderful relationship with a straight woman.  Keep writing.

Last edited by Blue Bear (May 13, 2021 10:57 am)


May 13, 2021 8:41 pm  #9

Re: Need some Advice

Blue Bear, is your Chump Lady correspondence pinned? It should be!

She spurred me on through my divorce from an abuser who subsequently came out to our children as gay (telling them to keep it secret of course).

Unrecognised abuse and manipulation is so much a part of so many of our stories here. Lundy Bancrofts book Why Does He Do That? And his other books on abuse were excellent resources for me too.


May 16, 2021 9:18 am  #10

Re: Need some Advice

It's not pinned.  There was a good follow up, too.


I'm not a big fan of anyone staying with someone who cheated on them.  Cheating is a reflection of the abysmal moral character of the cheater, not the alleged flaws or faults of their innocent partner.  Cheating is also abuse.  Life's too short to endure abuse from a loser-cheater who sleeps in your same bed.  If it's same-sex attraction, get the heck out.


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