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March 28, 2021 1:42 am  #1

Fresh hurt here, wondering if a MOM is possible....


My wife of 20 years has always been bi, but now realises she is full gay. This weekend we agreed she will sleep in another room. We have awesome kids, still love each other, though she doesn't love me physically like she used to.
We haven't said anything to the kids yet.

I guess I'm in shock, even though this has been slowly coming for 5 years now. I don't know if a MOM is possible or what it means. She might want to experiment which is hard for me. Do most of you in MOMS sleep in the same room and basically never have sex? How does it work for you?


Last edited by Lconfused (March 28, 2021 2:03 am)


March 28, 2021 6:57 am  #2

Re: Fresh hurt here, wondering if a MOM is possible....

Stopping sexual intimacy, moving to separate bedrooms, starting to experiment... I hope it's obvious where that road will lead to. If you step back and think about it, I suppose you realise that.
Maybe there is some reason for this developments, like she is starting to have feelings for some woman? And/or a growing emotional distance in your relation.
I think you'll have to talk more, and more honestly together, and find out why things became what they are.

If your wife already made up her mind and made a considered choice to seek love outside the marriage (even when she's not admitting it openly), it's probably the end of the line. She could reconsider, but otherwise I think it's best if she postpone 'experimenting' until after the separation. It'll save you a lot of senseless hurt.

There are other options than heading for certain divorce. But only if both have the will to do so is still there. 
That means change in the way you communicate, face feelings, being really honest. A lot of open talking (it takes a lot of time to get there, and is emotional demanding for both).
In my experience unconditional acceptance is key. Not only you accept her and her sexual orientation, but also she accept herself and accept you as you are.
When both are being authentic and open, the possibility of accepting the situation in your marriage arises.
Where hopefully much is/becomes very good and in place, emotional connected through communication, sharing feelings and honesty. Allowed to be authentic because there is real heartfelt acceptance.
Except... the sexual relation aspect of it. Well no surprise there, she is lesbian married to a man. 

Some people don't care about sex, "it's just sex", and when they happy with that, well that's okay. But for most people sexuality in marriage is very important on several levels of their being.
The relation will only flourish (ultimately) when the sexual relation also becomes fulfilling to both. (and with fulfilling I not just mean in the physical sense but also emotionally)
Sexuality is not limited by rules and strict borders. Yes, a fulfilling sexual relation between a lesbian and a man is certainly possible. Actually I think when the two become very strong connected emotionally, with openness, acceptance and love for eachother rules, it's becomes nearly unavoidable this will happen. When the time is right it just needs a spark to ignite it.

But this can only happen if you go about it with a vision of what you want, and determination to go for it because you love each other and want it by your choice. A voluntary choice made from your free will.
It's certainly not a easy road, and it will take several years to reach solid ground. 

Sixteen years ago my wife came out lesbian after 20 years of marriage (we were around age 40 at the time and have 4 kids). It was hard, but we worked it out.
We are monogamous, are happy together and enjoy an active sex life.

My personal story may be of interest to you to read:

My wife (SamanthaNL) also posted about several aspects of our relation from her viewpoint.

Last edited by Dutchman (March 28, 2021 7:05 am)


March 28, 2021 7:39 am  #3

Re: Fresh hurt here, wondering if a MOM is possible....

After a bit more hard reality it does seem like a mom is futile for me. She has decided her identity is wrapped almost entirely in sexuality.

Im probably too hurting to chat more now. Thankyou for your amazing story. I hope to come back when my head is together some more. 

Last edited by Lconfused (March 29, 2021 7:45 pm)

     Thread Starter

March 30, 2021 3:02 pm  #4

Re: Fresh hurt here, wondering if a MOM is possible....

I hope you are going ok, Lconfused - this does hurt a lot and there's no way out of that, particularly with children involved.

Reading between the lines or rather based on the odds the likelihood is your wife has stopped 'loving you physically' because she is doing it with a woman.  That seems to be the trend.  Once there is a full on love affair then they just don't want to do it any more with their spouse, it is too hard.  NB - she never did really love you physically - take that on board, that she was always gay, that she was hiding the truth of her feelings from you and you will feel less confused and the process of reclamation of self can begin.

Suggestion.  Reconnect with family and old friends who knew you before you met her.


March 30, 2021 4:46 pm  #5

Re: Fresh hurt here, wondering if a MOM is possible....


I’m so glad to see you’ve joined the other support group. Please reach out there. There are other men there in your same (or similar) situation. 



March 31, 2021 8:44 am  #6

Re: Fresh hurt here, wondering if a MOM is possible....

I will move to the other group. Thanks for being kind strangers.

     Thread Starter

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