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February 10, 2021 10:44 am  #1


My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

My husband came out in January and we are still living together because of the pandemic and money. He has now asked that we stay living together as a family longer and just see how it goes.  He does not want us to be in a relationship together but friends living together co parenting for now and when we are more stable and have moved on to new ppl take it from there.

I really dont know what to think. Any help and advice welcome please

Help!

 

February 10, 2021 11:32 am  #2


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

I would really think about this carefully. Is this something that you’d be okay with? It sounds like the eventual goal, at least in your husband’s eyes, is that you’ll each find someone else and continue to live together until one of you finds a new person that is the better option. If your husband finds someone else first you’ll be a witness to all of that “new relationship energy.” I'm not in this situation, but it would probably be a hard no for me. I think your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. I’m so sorry it’s all so difficult. Do you have a therapist you can talk this through with? 

Tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (February 10, 2021 11:34 am)

 

February 10, 2021 11:34 am  #3


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

Hi, my immediate thought on reading your post is oh no - not only does he want his boyfriends, he wants your permission to do it.

It's not okay.  Where does that leave you?  You probably believe him, that he will be above board with you, that he is going to be responsible - share the parenting and support you as much as you are supporting him but more likely he will be too busy with what he's doing and still not wanting to address your needs.  

so my advice is insist he finalise his relationship with you before moving on (not that he hasn't already), protect yourself from STIs and protect your bank account.  Gather your support team.  Talk to others.  Tell your family.  

He is wanting to have his cake and eat it.  He will want to feather his own nest.  

Mainly look after yourself, take big breaths go for walks and an extra rest curled up on the bed when you can.  This is a massive emotional shock and it takes time before you feel normal again.  all the best, Lily
 

 

February 10, 2021 11:39 am  #4


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

Whatwillbe,

I think the question you really want to ask is: what do YOU want? I realize the pandemic and money make a difference. It’s not the reason I’m staying, however it very well could be (there have been times that weren’t very good & we considered splitting but these reasons were partly why we didn’t), so I completely understand. 
But, how long can you live in misery, if that’s the way you’re feeling? I guess it all boils down as to what you can live with comfortably enough for however long enough ....but, how long do you need to put your happiness on hold.....that is a hard question, especially in these times. 
I realize I haven’t answered your question, but hopefully given you something to think about. It’s a very hard decision. We’ve been back & forth, but my husband is bisexual, so we are still sexually active (even though not as much due to constant arguing......). But, we, at least have a chance.

Edited: (it looks like all 3 answers got posted almost the same time ;). ) I just wanted to add that TangledOil and Lily had some good suggestions that I didn't think of. ...good reason there are more than just a few of us 😉.

I wish you all the best in whatever choices you make. It’ll all work out......in whatever time frame it takes.

((((HUGS))))

Last edited by SusanneH (February 10, 2021 11:46 am)

 

February 10, 2021 12:52 pm  #5


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

As always, Lily, TangledOil, and SuzanneH have really helpful guidance.

From my perspective, how would you feel if the tables were turned? Say your husband posted the below:
My wife wants to be with other men and we are still living together because of the pandemic and money. She has now asked that we stay living together as a family longer and just see how it goes.  She does not want us to be in a relationship together but friends living together co parenting for now and when we are more stable and have moved on to new ppl take it from there.

In my biased opinion, this sounds insane. He wants you to provide all of the benefits of a wife and mother to him, with none of the benefits to you, adding in an unclear timeframe, with an out when he finds someone.

Why put up with this? Now is as good a time as ever to start the decoupling process. Why wait? He's already moving on, make it official. Stability comes when the dust is settled, and he's prolonging the hard work for his own benefit under the guise of "for the kids". Yuck.

Hoping for happy days ahead, whatever direction you choose.

Last edited by Upside (February 10, 2021 12:52 pm)

 

February 10, 2021 12:53 pm  #6


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

OH HELL NO.

He doesn't want the consequences for coming out and wants the ease and convenience of a helpful roommate (i.e., you) to tend to the kids and illusion of a perfect family, all while he gets to mess around with other dudes.

He wants to be "friends"?  Have you ever had a friend place such demands on you?  As mentioned above, what do YOU want?  Is this what you signed up for when you married this guy?  Would you have signed up to be married to a gay dude?  Is this the way you think you should be treated by the person who should spoil you and respect you?  Is this consistent with your ideas of and values for a family and marriage?

You get to make some choices here.  Consider whether he's using the pandemic as an excuse to delay the consequences of his coming out.  If it's any consolation, my divorce was finalized on 2/27/2020, right as the pandemic was hitting.  I bought my house on 5/1/2020, furnished it, got the kids set up in it, split the assets with my adulterous lesbian ex-wife, etc.  It can be done.

Good luck.  Look out for you.  God knows he's looking out for himself.

 

February 10, 2021 1:00 pm  #7


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

I posted this reply in the other place you left your comment, but am moving it so it's here with the comments from others.

It's quite common for our newly out spouses to temporize in this way.  They want to retain the comfort and security of the known, and often still want our support and care (and our financial contribution), as well as the freedom to explore their newly declared sexual orientation.  

In my opinion, it's extremely selfish, and supremely dismissive of our feelings that the blow their announcement has raised in us.  We can't simply turn the dial from "spouse" to "roommate," and it's unreasonable to expect it.  That they can do this, and so easily, is itself another blow.  It's also disingenuous to suggest "co-parenting" while living together is somehow "best" for the children; to see parents become roommates is disorienting, not a more healthy choice than actual separation, which has the benefit of clarity and preparation for the future. 

I would ask you to shift your attention from him and what he wants, and why he wants it, and think about how you feel, what you want and need.  I would also suggest that you find yourself a confidante in your life--a friend or relative--you can talk to, and a counselor/therapist just for you, to help you sort out your feelings.  Also, visit a lawyer, so that you can have a clear picture of the options open to you--legal separation, a temporary order for child support, etc.  Knowing your options can help you make a decision about what is best for you.  

 

 

February 10, 2021 1:54 pm  #8


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

Thank you everyone.  Your words and experience has given me food for thought.

     Thread Starter
 

February 11, 2021 8:06 pm  #9


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

Whatwillbe21,

Hope you are coping ok.

I just wanted to point out the absurdity of his statement. Most people do not date someone still living with their spouse or ex spouse.   It's not how someone would "meet people"..well except how he might. 

What a selfish and terrible statement to make to you. Please know you are woth so much more than this.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 11, 2021 8:27 pm  #10


Re: My gay husband wants to stay living as a family for now! What do I do?

Blue Bear wrote:

OH HELL NO.

No other words necessary 

 

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