Hi, my immediate thought on reading your post is oh no - not only does he want his boyfriends, he wants your permission to do it.

It's not okay.  Where does that leave you?  You probably believe him, that he will be above board with you, that he is going to be responsible - share the parenting and support you as much as you are supporting him but more likely he will be too busy with what he's doing and still not wanting to address your needs.  

so my advice is insist he finalise his relationship with you before moving on (not that he hasn't already), protect yourself from STIs and protect your bank account.  Gather your support team.  Talk to others.  Tell your family.  

He is wanting to have his cake and eat it.  He will want to feather his own nest.  

Mainly look after yourself, take big breaths go for walks and an extra rest curled up on the bed when you can.  This is a massive emotional shock and it takes time before you feel normal again.  all the best, Lily
 

As always, Lily, TangledOil, and SuzanneH have really helpful guidance.

From my perspective, how would you feel if the tables were turned? Say your husband posted the below:
My wife wants to be with other men and we are still living together because of the pandemic and money. She has now asked that we stay living together as a family longer and just see how it goes.  She does not want us to be in a relationship together but friends living together co parenting for now and when we are more stable and have moved on to new ppl take it from there.

In my biased opinion, this sounds insane. He wants you to provide all of the benefits of a wife and mother to him, with none of the benefits to you, adding in an unclear timeframe, with an out when he finds someone.

Why put up with this? Now is as good a time as ever to start the decoupling process. Why wait? He's already moving on, make it official. Stability comes when the dust is settled, and he's prolonging the hard work for his own benefit under the guise of "for the kids". Yuck.

Hoping for happy days ahead, whatever direction you choose.

Last edited by Upside (February 10, 2021 12:52 pm)

I posted this reply in the other place you left your comment, but am moving it so it's here with the comments from others.

It's quite common for our newly out spouses to temporize in this way.  They want to retain the comfort and security of the known, and often still want our support and care (and our financial contribution), as well as the freedom to explore their newly declared sexual orientation.  

In my opinion, it's extremely selfish, and supremely dismissive of our feelings that the blow their announcement has raised in us.  We can't simply turn the dial from "spouse" to "roommate," and it's unreasonable to expect it.  That they can do this, and so easily, is itself another blow.  It's also disingenuous to suggest "co-parenting" while living together is somehow "best" for the children; to see parents become roommates is disorienting, not a more healthy choice than actual separation, which has the benefit of clarity and preparation for the future. 

I would ask you to shift your attention from him and what he wants, and why he wants it, and think about how you feel, what you want and need.  I would also suggest that you find yourself a confidante in your life--a friend or relative--you can talk to, and a counselor/therapist just for you, to help you sort out your feelings.  Also, visit a lawyer, so that you can have a clear picture of the options open to you--legal separation, a temporary order for child support, etc.  Knowing your options can help you make a decision about what is best for you.  

 

Whatwillbe21,

Hope you are coping ok.

I just wanted to point out the absurdity of his statement. Most people do not date someone still living with their spouse or ex spouse.   It's not how someone would "meet people"..well except how he might. 

What a selfish and terrible statement to make to you. Please know you are woth so much more than this.