Rose,

This is not us leaving them.. This is them rejecting us.   I found my divorce pomp and circumstance..a formality.  My GX left and rejected me long before the divorce.. emotionally and then physically in a hotel room.     

Wishing you strength and stoicism in what is a new year.

Thank you for writing Rose. In reply: 

1. You are right, it has been slow, but it is moving! When the cheating first came to light, yes - I tried to believe him that it was just a side experiment, that he really did “love” me and it would pass. But a lot of drinking and another burner cell proved that to be a fantasy. My husband is a hypocrite - does that make him a monster? Idk Manipulating people like this - me and that boyfriend and whoever else he is deceiving - yes, pretty bad.

Bravo for using terms like "cheating" and "boyfriend" rather than "exploration" and "activity." Your husband f*cks men on the down low while claiming to be straight. No need to minimize with me nor sugar-coat your situation for this community my friend. We get you!   

2. Using my son’s problems to drag it out? Husband happy to do that, but no, I haven’t other than I don’t think an acrimonious divorce will help, at all. So that means my husband has been able to use that against me to slow things down but - we are getting somewhere, finally. The biggest problem now isn’t my denial, but my unwillingness to start a fight and unmask him.

I'd have your proof/photos in order and locked away my friend. And why? Because it's going to get very ugly when he finally accepts that you're truly leaving. Your posts suggest your husband's greatest fear is being outed/exposed: so I reckon you have the upper hand in your future divorce proceedings...provided of course that you have irrefutable evidence proving he's having sex with men. Remember to document everything. 

3. Makes me a patsy. But - my objective has been achieved: no fight.

Get ready friend because it sounds like your husband is going to fight very dirty when he realizes you're leaving...doubly so if he's scared about being outed. If he follows the cheating/closeted husband handbook, he's likely telling your friends and family that you're mentally unstable to discredit you and thereby discount any future claims about his sexuality.  

4. Pyrrhic victory? Maybe, just hard to know. What’s best for the kids?  I don’t like my choices, but I do have to pick from the available options. I hate this. A lot.

I'm going to assume that you haven't had the "dad's gay, cheats with men, and I'm divorcing him" conversation with your kids. But feel free to correct me.  

5. And religious? Yes, I am. And no, he isn’t. So I keep turning the other cheek….and getting hit again! (Contrast to Harper, maybe it’s time!)  I am trying to be more assertive. Hopefully next time I write the papers will actually be filed. My goal is 1/31/2024!

Good luck. I'd suggest disclosing all of this to your kids and family before filing because you're going to need their love/support. 

Last edited by Sean01 (January 5, 2024 8:55 am)

Thank you for writing Rose. In reply: 

1. On the evidence, luckily [future closeted ex-husband] he dug his own grave: the boyfriend got pissed and pulled a Fatal Attraction routine so my husband had to take out an Order of Protection; signed and sealed, stating 6 month romantic relationship. Plus the dirty pics the guy sent me etc.

Understood. Please make sure you meticulously document any additional cheating/affairs. Your husband has now had 5-6 years to manufacture a story about this male stalker. Don't underestimate the closeted husband's ability to paint himself as an innocent victim.  

2. And yes, he covered the kids too - more than once, he had drunk/sad meltdowns they overheard. Clearly part of their challenges, clearly damaging. But still - their father who does love them - there is no question there - and I chose not to start a war/ demonize him. Which has been hard. A difficult path, where there was a lot of wrong.

Ok so I've danced around this issue enough. Question: have you had a "dad is gay, he cheated on me, he has a drinking problem, and we're now divorcing" conversation with your two adult children? Yes or no? You're not doing your kids any favours by lying to them and by lying I mean pretending he's the greatest straight/sober dad on Earth. Clearly he isn't. He's been lying to all of you, hiding his true sexuality, drinking heavily, and cheating on mom for years. If, despite the lies and cheating, you still feel an overwhelming need to minimize his behaviours and thereby protect him, this strongly suggests a form of co-dependency; something you should explore with a mental health professional because co-dependency often develops in childhood (meaning before your relationship with this toxic man). Let me warn you that since you hinted at separation/divorce, this "world's greatest dad" has very likely been painting you as an emotional, mentally unstable wreck to your kids, friends, and family in an effort to undermine you. Again I would urge you to have a frank and honest conversation with your kids. They deserve the truth and you'll need the support through what promises to be a challenging divorce.

You can condemn their father's behaviour, because he's so clearly in the wrong, but not attack the man. "Your father has been cheating on me with men for years and has developed a drinking problem," isn't saying, "Your father is a closeted, boozy, lying bastard, and he's been f*cking men on the down low for years." The former is fact. The latter is vitriol. You have the right to share the former facts with your kids. It's time to stand up for yourself, honestly condemn his behaviour, and stop covering for him. You no longer have to live in his dark closet so free yourself. 

I hope that helps. Be well! 

Last edited by Sean01 (January 6, 2024 5:04 am)

Sean01 wrote:

Can men be attracted to male anatomy and interact sexually with other males while still claiming to be heterosexual? Debate!

No- by definition, they are LGBTQ

My husband passed away suddenly in September 2023 in his sleep. He was away at a hobby festival and a friend found him. A few days after I was unpacking our car and trailer that was returned to me by my brother and I came across a backpack that I didn’t expect. Luckily I didn’t open it in front of my brother but when I was alone I did and got the surprise of my life. Inside was women’s bras, underwear and stockings and none of it was mine. There were also dildos of various sizes, nipple clamps along with various other toys and a GoPro I bought him. As I was in shock over my husband’s passing I put the GoPro away and threw out the rest in the garbage.

One day after his funeral and everyone had gone back to their lives I had a look at what was on the GoPro. Bloody hell did I get a shock. He was dressed in the underwear and stocking, massive dildo and you can imagine the rest. At the time I thought he must have been really kinky with a fetish. I kept this all to myself to process until a couple of days after Christmas I discovered he had a secret email account. He wasn’t very inventive on passwords so yet again I was in for another surprise, bisexual/gay meeting websites. On these I read his profiles and he identified as bisexual though now after all my research I think he was gay.

 My husband was a widower when I met him 38 years with her and 9 with me. We met four months after she passed away. One question is why the hell did he marry me?! 

He also has two adult children who he had a fallout with about 7 years ago. I’m very sure they know nothing of his sexuality as I’m pretty sure his first wife didn’t. The only people I have told are my sister, a cousin and a straight spouses councillor. I am unsure if I should tell his children, do they have a right to know? I am so confused, angry and embarrassed. People think I’m mourning his death and I am but I’m also keeping his secret and I don’t know what to do with it. 

The podcasts featuring you have helped me the most in this journey, thanks 🙏🏻 
 

Last edited by Norsewoman (January 30, 2024 8:15 pm)