SAguy, sorry you need to be here.

Bottom line - The odds are that if its happened once, it will happen again. Cheating is a character problem, not a sexuality problem.

She has cheated, moved out and doesn't want couples therapy ... she doesnt sound at all sorry. She didnt tell you she thought she might be gay - she embarked on a secret affair. She wants to explore to see if she is a lesbian - that means more cheating, possibly with women and men. She certainly doesn't sound like someone deeply committed to you, your child or your marriage. Sadly I think your marriage is effectively over.

I suggest you have a look at The Chump Lady blog - leave a cheater, gain a life. It is kick-ass practical advice for people reeling from the shock of being cheated on. It is a huge reality check, from people who have been where you are now. Check out the archives, lots of how-to for extracting you and your kids. Lots of success stories too from erstwhile chumps who have made new, cheater-free happy lives with their kids.

It sucks but better now after dday 1 rather than dday 1+x

Thats my take anyway. Best of luck, its a tough gig.

In my opinion, if she had sex with a woman she is a lesbian. The thought of being in bed with another woman and even kissing another woman is sickening to me. I wish you luck on the rest of these difficult journey. 

Sorry your wife did this to you and your family, SA.

Your wife cheated. She only stopped because the other woman broke it off. How many times have you cheated and why do you hold yourself to a higher standard than your wife?

Your wife filled you with excuses as you were hoping to understand. Pandemic. Venomous woman. History. Similar personalities. Finding herself. Never before. How much ownership did she take? How much would you take? How can you fix something you don't believe you broken?

Your wife hasn't stood up for her marriage. She didn't get a counselor. She didn't beg forgiveness. She left. She had to find "herself" first. To sow her wild oats. To hide from her shame. She let you decide how to fix what's left. How often do you have to be the responsible one?

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I've read hundreds of these stories. There are patterns. Here are my opinions:

1) Your wife is a cheater. This is a character deficit, not a phase.

2) Your wife didn't tell you about this affair willingly. I'd wager that her hand was forced. Her leaving says she's more concerned about herself than you...again.

3) If your wife doesn't know is she's bi or a lesbian, you can't. We do know she's confused. And confused without the ability to own one's actions means they will repeat those actions, while learning to be better liars.

4) Counseling is thrown around often as if it solves problems. It can, but often doesn't. When someone lacks the morality to do the right thing, counseling is implying the solution to bad character is talking. It isn't. It is a short-term bandaid for emotional thieves.

5) You can love someone and leave them.

When my wife cheated with multiple woman I still loved her with my whole heart. I thought our case was unique. It took years to understand and then believe the above. But it was the only viable path. Anything else was giving my life over the control of an unstable liar and cheater who avoids all responsibility.

You deserve to be with someone that doesn't cheat. That fights for your marriage. That supports you when the chips are down. That doesn't find an opportunity in the same breath they find an excuse.

Wishing you well on the path ahead.

Blue Bear, is your Chump Lady correspondence pinned? It should be!

She spurred me on through my divorce from an abuser who subsequently came out to our children as gay (telling them to keep it secret of course).

Unrecognised abuse and manipulation is so much a part of so many of our stories here. Lundy Bancrofts book Why Does He Do That? And his other books on abuse were excellent resources for me too.

​Thanks for everyone’s feedback.
You all addressed my key fears without me really even saying them.

 
She cheated on me. It was not a drunken mistake but planned and executed over months.

The other person ended it. Not my wife coming to her senses. What if the other person did not end it…

What happens if the other person comes back, begging her to return…

She has not totally broken it off with the other person. They still do boot-camp together.

It was with the same sex. I can only speak for myself, but I have no attraction to the same sex.

She moved out to work on “her”. But what about me the family and our marriage.

I am going to a therapist and that has helped immensely. (My wife does go to one also), we’ve just never gone to a couples therapist together.



 
I know if I took emotion/love out of the equation that there would only be one course of action.
I do think people can get back together after infidelity. It will be hard work, but possible, but given all the above combined, I do not think it’s realistic.

She took my self-worth and confidence doing this to me. At best I’d always be the consolation prize.
Now it’s just a matter of finding the courage/will to move on.
 
Thanks again.
TheSAguy

 

Last edited by TheSAguy (May 16, 2021 10:11 am)