Hi. I’m brand new and just coming to the realization that my husband and I need counseling because of years of secretive actions on his end, exploring his desires for men. I married him knowing he was bisexual but his desires seem to go back and forth. Sometimes he wants women/me more but currently we are in a sexless marriage for 4 years now and I’ve recently found very direct messages on his phone to other men.

We have work to do. I don’t know what we will learn but I’m coming to the realization that divorce, something I never imagined, might become a reality for us down the road. What I cannot get over at this point, is the betrayal. No matter what his desires, he’s cheated on me...physically kissed both another woman and another man (that’s all he told me) , and fishing for relationships online. I suspect there’s a lot more to the story. I’m not sure how much I’m ready to know. We are going to go to counseling after our weekend trip away for his 40th Birthday (with friends). I also cannot get over the fact that all passion is gone between us rn. We’ve been in a sexless marriage for 4 years now.

My question to you all. Is how do you make a marriage work when there’s betrayal and lack of intimacy? Do you stay abstinent for eachother? Have an open marriage? What drove you to the decision to stay rather than leave and possibly find another mate? Is it love? Convenience? Family?

I’m asking because we do love eachother so very much. We are soulmates for sure...though I do believe it’s possible to have more than one soulmate. I don’t know what I want and what I’m willing to work with at this point. I’m just starting to explore my options. At this point I’m completely dependent on him financially with no degree, and a stay at home Mom. Our youngest is a 12 year old boy. Our kids would never expect anything to be wrong as our family life is so good, our relationship strong with the exception of intimacy.

I want to move forward with

Ellexoh, I’m not as confident as you that he’s completely gay. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not ready to accept it or if it’s because I married him, well aware of the fact that he was Bi and then experienced a long period of life with him without him seeming to explore that male attraction anymore. I’m wondering, with Bisexual people, if it’s possible their desires change over time...perhaps now he’s desiring men more, maybe it’s because he’s bored in our relationship, does he still get turned on by women? These are the answers I need to find. Like Julian had mentioned...does it even matter? I’m in a fog of too many what if’s and emotions right now. I want to talk to my husband to find answers but we have a trip planned for his birthday at the end of the week and I’m worried what I might learn, I don’t want us to ruin that trip and I’m wondering if I should wait for counseling. I will go over to the support forum too. I’ve been reading posts from all the forums. I can say this, it is very empowering and eye opening to hear everybody else’s stories. I do feel like there might still be a light at the end of the tunnel...no matter which tunnel we choose to take.

Thank you. Give it time, talk and talk. Very good advice. It made me stop sulking for a bit today with the knowledge I can deal with it later. It’s interesting how everyone here is going through similar situations yet do different. I’ve seen posts of people staying together after the fact, people who were shocked/forced to end things and everything in between. Over the years I’ve learned to look at people as souls. I see my husband and I know he has a good soul and he loves me. I’m not sure the depth of his deception yet but it is my plan to tell him that if he decides he is gay (he will be going to counseling to help him figure this out), it’s not an immediate death to our marriage. I have considered the possibility of staying just to let our hearts have time to adjust. I know I couldn’t stay forever because I’m already craving the intimacy we’ve lost over the years. I’m just trying to prepare myself for any scenario. I told him  that  every time I begin to trust him again another “tidbit” of information to what I believe there is more to comes out. At this point I’m beginning to think I just want our communication and friendship back...he’s been a bit surface only, nothing too deep in regards to our love/relationship. Certain things give me hope though...he gets jealous of other guys talking to me (not that I like it, and maybe he’s just threatened), and I do believe he is bisexual with an attraction to women still. I’m just not positive of that, or if he has any attraction towards me. I think that’s what I’m most scared to learn.

Hi everyone. I’m brand new to this group, just found it yesterday. I’m a 41 year old Mother to 3, married almost 19 years to my highschool best friend turned boyfriend then husband. We love eachother DEEPLY. When we were friends in highschool I knew he had a boyfriend for a short time. He used to tell me all about it while I was in my relationship with my 1st boyfriend...who get this, is now openly gay. I’m fact, my now husband even shared with me eventually that him and my ex had oral sex at one point during my relationship with my ex. My husband used to tell me though, that he would someday marry me and he had plenty of girlfriends as well...so I obviously knew he was Bisexual.

When we decided to take the plunge and move our friendship of 3 years to dating...it was magical, fast, passionate. He told me he had no more desires for men...his ex even attempted to come onto him and he not only denied him, but shared it with me. We had our first daughter at a very young age, I was 21 and he was 20. When she was 1, he left me for a short period, stating that he had fallen out of love with me. During this time I was battling post partum depression so blamed myself, got medicated, and “won” him back after only 2 weeks of separation. Looking back, I do remember him becoming extremely close to a male co-worker and my best friend (also his best friend, a female)...telling me that she remembers him talking for long periods of time on the phone with someone else (noticed at parties etc). Fast forward to 2002, we are pregnant with our second daughter and married in Jamaica. He’s still very much into me...I remember because his intense sexual appetite did not match mine with all the pregnancy hormones. We had years of great intimacy. In 2008 we had a son. In 2009 I discovered he was having some sort of affair with a Female coworker who was coming onto him with great intensity. Till this day he tells me they only kissed and touched a little. During this time I became